Due to my post-college depression, I don’t like change. Except when it comes with a healthy dose of hope and a large helping of Barack Obama. Haha. But you know what I mean. I feel myself especially threatened emotionally when staples from my younger years are changed. When I learned that Hasbro is totally changing the game of Clue, I immediately found myself drowning my sorrows in a box of Cheez-Its while whining “I’m so olddddddd” to my poor dog. I not crazy, I swear.
Clue is very near and dear to my heart! It was one of the few board games that I could actually win as a child. Monopoly taught me at a young age that I was miserable at math and business, but Clue, ah Clue– Clue made me feel as if I could one day work for the C.I.A. I was just THAT GOOD at finding out who killed Mr. Boddy in what room with what weapon.
According to the AP, the new Clue is updated to fit in with “tabloid culture”. I love me some tabloids, but geeez louise, keep it out of my board games.
The six characters’ last names remain the same, but their first names and bios have been updated. For example, Miss Scarlet is now Kasandra Scarlet, a famous actress often featured in tabloids. And Mr. Green is now Jacob Green, an African-American “with all the ins.”
HAHA oh man. “With all the ins”. What does that possibly mean? Hmmm. I wonder if he makes his final accusations in ebonics? One of my favorites, Colonel Mustard is now Jack Mustard, an ex-football player. Professor Plum is now a video game designer. I’m not making that up. How are we supposed to feel smart playing this game if our characters have gotten dumber?! And here is the greatest part of all, each character now has a special power to help them solve clues. LIke superhero powers? WHAT ABOUT MY SHARP AND NIMBLE MIND?! Ahh this is too much to handle. But wait, there’s more. No more revolver, lead pipe or wrench–instead we have a dumbbell, trophy or poison. Poison? Ehh, alright. Giving us Chuck Norris’ right leg would have been more practical than a dumbbell. Now there’s a weapon.
Clue has even gotten nouveau riche on us. There’s now a spa, theater and a guest house. Mr. Boddy’s classy, beautiful mansion wasn’t good enough. They made it a McMansion!
They are taking the original Clue off the shelves this fall. Go get it now, or forever be burdened with this travesty.
RIP Colonel Mustard. You will be missed. Here he is, in all his glory.
I can think of only one positive thing to say about this whole ordeal. Perhaps with this new version Miss Scarlett will finally be the slootbag we all knew she was/wanted her to be. Perhaps.
[Posted by Kathleen]