Has anyone else heard about the exciting new beverage called Tru Blood that is supposed to LOOK LIKE BLOOD? Yeah, don’t trip over each other running to 7-Eleven. I first saw a billboard for the stuff this past weekend when I was in the dirty Jerz (if you can manage a good guido/blood joke, you win my eternal respect), then I kinda forgot about it until now. Because I am an excellent, respectable blogger and a legitimate news source (and the only news source for people like my sister), I did some research. First, I stumbled upon this brilliant commercial:
Ah, see, now you totally want to drink it. No?
Then I took a look at the beverage’s website. For starters, to enter it I had to write in the day I “turned.” At first I was confused, and thought maybe this was alcoholic blood and I had to enter my birth date because that is the most legitimate way to determine if a person is of age. Then I looked again. The date I “turned.” What the fuck? I haven’t even read those Twilight books, so I’m not into the vampire shit. (Although my friend Alaina does do a HI-larious Dracula impression.) But, like I said, I’m a respectable blogger, so I played along. I think I turned on July 5 of Century IV. Cool.
On the site, I am told that Tru Blood is “All Flavor. No Bite.” It is “a synthetic blood nourishment beverage.” Hmm. Somehow, I’m still not convinced. BUT there is a quiz to see what “type” I am! I’m a sucker (pun intended?) for quizzes, so I tried it out:
Q: How many times per night do you get the urge?
A: Um. Er. Twice a night?
Q: Who is your taste?
A: Ha ha, you can choose a regular size guy or a huge dude. My roommate loves huge dudes. For me, it’s the normal-sized dude.
Q: How do you spend your free time?
A: Home alone? No, I practically lived in a commune all of last year. Theater? Uhhh, no. Playing sports? Is breaking hearts and taking names a sport? Oh Jesus, I’m sorry. Partying? If partying means drinking heavily and then only talking to your closest friends, then yes.
Woo, I’m type AB, “the cerebral architect.” Apparently that means I’m claustrophobic but also mingle well with most other types. Heh, I do love strangers. Just FYI, the other “types” are O, which is hearty and satisfying; A, which is light and delicate; B, which is aggressive and energizing.
There’s also store, where you used to be able to buy things like a Tru Blood onesie or “ladies boy briefs.” Unfortunately, they are sold out.
Best part: the disclaimer at the bottom: “Synthetic blood products contain varied cellular content than actual blood. Please consult a Tru Blood Cellular Specialist for specific nutritional information.”
That sentence doesn’t even make sense. And I’d really like to contact a Tru Blood Cellular Specialist, but they don’t give me a number.
And yes, just maybe, this is all a huge marketing ploy for the new HBO series True Blood, but if they ever do come out with a drink, you know I’ll be the first dutiful researcher to buy it.
[Posted by Mallory]
six words to change the world. 