tuesday afternoon’s snarky gossip girl analysis.

In just a few days, my dear partner Kathleen will be jetting off to South America to trek around the continent in ugly shoes. While she’s gone, we will have a surprise guest blogger take her place. (This probably isn’t a surprise to anyone who cares, but whatever; let us pretend we are important and have guest bloggers like Dooce does.)

This mystery guest blogger and I typically, um, BBM during Gossip Girl each Monday night. For those of you unfortunate souls who still have Razors, and those of you elitists who have iPhones, BBM stands for BlackBerry Messenger, which is Spanish for “The biggest time suck invented since G-Chat.” Unfortunately, last night this mystery guest blogger and I did not get to communicate during the episode, so she sent me an email with her thoughts. Yes, we are aware that we are both pathetic. And no, we don’t care. And yes, candy corn is only 13 cents a bag today at CVS.

Here are our mystery guest blogger’s insightful thoughts about last night’s episode of your favorite guilty pleasure:

I finally watched GG (fuck you, Verizon DVR) and thought I would share some of the thoughts I had with you since we couldn’t bbm: 
 
Aaron?  What’s your name?  Doesn’t matter: creepster.org  (that’s not real link–don’t click it)
 
Times Square?  Right, because downtown hipsters LOVE Times Square.
 
“Plenty of women have been both lover and muse, like Picasso.”  Serena, gramatically you just called Picasso a woman.  And you would use his name since it’s the only artist you’ve ever heard of.  En revanche, Blair’s writers hit it out of the park with their whole cubism line.
 
Dan–you suck at playing it cool.  Way to throw your dad under the bus, asshole.
 
Spotted: lame-o product placement.  Although I’m craving Vitamin Water already.  I hear it goes great with vomit . . .
 
“I’m 18 and it’s a grown-up party.”  PERFECT.  That is exactly what a 17-year-old would say.
 
Yeah, S.  You’re uncomfortable having your picture taken.  I totally believe it.
 
Dan–crack the story?  Kill the story?  Where did you pick up that lingo?
 
“You have a glow, like Chinese lanterns.”  Oh, Dorota. 
 
I heart Blair’s lip color.  And her skin is GLOWING!  How does she make it do that?
 
Um, that huge Construction Work Thug’s e-mail address is LoveLace?  I don’t think so.
 
I want to be on this show just so I can have all of this lingerie.  Because . . . it would look so good on me.
 
Aw, Blair.  Watching her introduce Dorota to Cindy Lauper brought a tear to my eye.  
 
5.19.91.  Dan would use such a lame title
 
HOLY SHIT.  Chuck Bass was born in 1991?!?!
 
“I don’t know how it works in High School . . .”  Excuse me, Aaron but you have three facial hairs.  Shut up.
 
Oh NO!  Rufus is singing!  . . . 3 words.
 
Jenny is wearing Rosary beads as a necklace.  NOT COOL.
 
Don’t die, Bart Bass.  Don’t die!
 
Serena always wanted to live in the 60s?  Right. 

And for more, check out this article by nymag.com.

Somehow, endlessly mocking Gossip Girl seems to make it more acceptable that I watch it. No?

[Posted by Mallory/MYSTERY BLOGGER PERSON]

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