Tag Archives: dooce

sometimes i’m just happy i’m older.

I have some random song stuck in my head 99% of the time, and I’ll usually sing parts of that song out loud to my friends and express a desire for other people to be able to hear my running soundtrack. My friends will roll their eyes and point out that maybe some people don’t want to hear things like the CSI theme song or the song “Slow Motion” while they are going about their daily lives.

Lately, I’ve had the song “We’ve Been Had,” by The Walkmen stuck in my head a lot. Because I’m obsessed with her, I seem to be getting most of my musical inspiration from Dooce. But whatever, the lady’s got her some good taste. 

Aren’t they fabulous?

[Posted by Mallory]

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a friday roundup of random crimes.

Come Monday, you may not have any money and our entire country might be in shambles, but for today, let’s focus on the random “criminal” shit that goes on in our world.

From Mouse, our NYC Correspondent, comes an article titled “Woman ‘tricked into sex’ by penis cream treatment.” Intrigued? Basically, this rando pilot dude convinced a schoolteacher to help him administer ointment to the end of his penis, by having sex with him:

Fadi Sbano, 38, even pretended to know a gynaecologist who advised him on how often to have intercourse with her and whether to thrust “slowly or quickly”. And, on the “doctor’s advice”, he kept a clock on the bedside table to time the sessions.

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.

And also:

[The woman’s lawyer] said the woman found the sessions “Clinical, not at all erotic”. She consented only because she believed it was a proper treatment.

Oh Jesus. Is this lady for real? I mean, the guy is clearly a creep and I guess this qualifies as rape, but maybe the woman can get a life sentence for mind-boggling stupidity.

Then, a little story from West Virginia was brought to my attention by Dooce, my favorite lady blogger:

West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge. The Kanawha County prosecutor’s office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken to thepolice station for a breathalyzer test. Cruz denies fanning the gas and says his request to use a restroom when first arriving at the station was denied.

I don’t even have to comment on that. It’s hilarious and absurd all on its own. And don’t worry: Cruz is probably still going to the slammer for driving drunk, so we should all be safe from his gas-fanning criminal ways.

Finally, from our own Kentucky/West Virginia Correspondent (she claims both states) comes a story out of Lexington about a man who has just been arrested for the 1,000th time. You read that right. Henry Earl, pictured above, has become something of a celebrity for his track record. Most of his arrests have been for nonviolent offenses like public intoxication, and Earl only spends an average of two days out of jail before getting himself back in the big house. For this milestone crime, the judge sentenced ol’ Henry to — you guessed it — 1,000 days in jail.

If we were to get serious about this, we could discuss all of the bad things this says about our criminal justice system, and talk about how sad it is the Earl seems to be totally fine spending most of his life behind bars. But instead, because it’s Friday, let’s just be glad that the Second Great Depression hasn’t officially started yet, and that we can all still pretend to afford overpriced gin and tonics. Sigh. Happy weekend?

[Posted by Mallory]

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on healing, with pizza and music.

I had what you might call a “bad night” last night, if you were looking to make an understatement. Along with lots of pizza and the nice people who have decided to be my friends, part of what helped me survive the day is this song:

The song is called “Elevator Love Letter,” and it’s by a Canadian band named Stars. I swiped it from Dooce’s website earlier today, and I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since. Strangely, I discovered that I have another one of Stars’ album in my iTunes, but I’ve never listened to it. Now I will, woo. 

Also, the cover of “Elevator Love Letter’s” album, Heart, is maybe the most wonderful photo I have ever seen:

Doesn’t that just make you absurdly happy? I want to be that girl.

[Posted by Mallory]

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thoughts on bourbon, blogging, and SAHMs.

Confession: I have a new girl crush/idol in the world of bloggy women. Her name is Heather B. Armstrong, and she is snarky and wonderful. On her blog, Dooce, she describes herself as a “Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker.” (And really, she’s not exactly a stay at home mom, because that implies that she doesn’t work. Really, her blog is so successful that both Heather and her husband work full time on keeping the blog witty and awesome and, you know, functioning.) Plus Heather says that she “love[s] bourbon, chips and salsa, Britpop, and television that excels at being really awful.” Hellooo, kindred spirit. She even looks cool and witty and like the kind of girl you’d want to go have drinks with then maybe dance on a table and meet some strangers and have a late-night breakfast burrito from 7-Eleven:

I’ve decided that I want to be just like Heather when I grow up. I would like to be snarky and fun and irreverent and have a cute husband, perfect daughter, and a job that lets me hang out in my PJs all day, presumably drinking bourbon and eating chips and salsa as the wit escapes my brain through my fingertips. Not such a bad thing to aspire to, eh?

Here’s an excellent excerpt from Heather’s FAQ:

“I’m surprised you haven’t been reported to child welfare with how public you are about some of the things you think and do regarding your daughter. Paper towels are very dangerous for your daughter to chew on. She could suffocate. don’t let her be alone with them. I’m amazed at how foolish you can be sometimes.”

When you call DCFS, please get the story straight. Not only do I leave her alone with paper towels, I set her in the middle of a flea-infested floor and surround her with sharp objects and porn. Then I turn on a wood-burning stove in the corner of the room and seal all the windows. Before I leave the room and lock the door, I stick a bottle full of vodka in her mouth, to muffle the screaming.

Heather, I dig you. I also hope that one day Kathleen and I will actually be important enough to have an FAQ section. I don’t think we’ve received any questions, unless you count the marriage pleas from the millions of attractive bachelors. Okay now go read Dooce and be happy.

[Posted by Mallory]

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