Tag Archives: jack handy

want to read some funny quotes?

Good, because I felt like looking up a bunch of Jack Handy and Mitch Hedberg quotes that I love:

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting.” [Jack Handy]

“Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!'” [Mitch Hedberg] 

      “The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, ‘Oh, you mean this?’ and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?” [Jack Handy, way better than David Blaine]

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say ‘Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.’ And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. ‘Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.'” [Mitch Hedberg]

Genius.

Also, my officemate and I were just discussing food metaphors that don’t make sense. Like “another bite of the apple,” which, according to her, is very common among lawyer types. Who only takes one bite of an apple? It’s your apple. I don’t care what you do with it; go ahead, take another bite! Then there’s “have your cake and eat it too.” What kind of crazy person wouldn’t eat their own cake? If I have some cake, I’m going to eat that cake, and I am not going to be made to feel guilty about such a thing.

Deep thoughts by Mallory and E. Lee.

[Posted by Mallory]

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coleslaw and some pumpkin pie, anyone?

Killer Tofu

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a big fan of the New York Times, and in between important receptionisty phone calls, I like to peruse the website in an effort to make myself feel smarter. Because I’m a huge health nut (HAH!), I was drawn to this article on “The 11 Best Foods You Aren’t Eating Yet.” Let’s play a little free association game with the list:

  1. Beets: Whatever happened to Doug Funny? That was a great show. In the spring, a band came to my school and played a cover of one of The Beets’ songs, and that really made me happy. Also, did you know that there are people who go on Wikipedia and list all of the characters from a given TV show? Take a look at the list for Doug here.
  2. Cabbage: Mmm coleslaw and fish tacos. Cabbage and mayonnaise (hah, speaking of Doug) are the new peanut butter and jelly. No?
  3. Swiss chard: I haven’t the faintest idea what this is, but it makes me think of swiss cheese, which makes me think of my roommates, which makes me miss college.
  4. Cinnamon: The other day I found a bowl of atomic fireballs at work, and since my day had been so un-challenging in general, I decide to challenge myself to eat a fireball. Good god that think was hot! I barely finished it, but because I’m a dedicated eater who hates to lose any kind of contest, I prevailed.
  5. Pomegranate juice: I like this stuff. But did you know you can get a pomegranate martini these days? If you ever catch me drinking any kind of flavored -tini, smack me and pour the drink in my face, then order me a beer.
  6. Dried plums: Ha ha, see what they did there? They’re trying to trick you into eating PRUNES! Don’t be fooled!
  7. Pumpkin seeds: For some reason, I ate a lot of these when I was in Italy. I would get them at one of those adorable street stands, or at the massive totally American grocery store in my apartment building. I would eat them until my lips burned from all the salt (YUM) and the seeds had to be forcibly removed from my grip.
  8. Sardines: This is making me think of Popeye, but I think he just ate spinach. Hmm.
  9. Turmeric: Come again?
  10. Frozen blueberries: I know people say that frozen fruit is a delicious, healthy snack, but I like to keep my frozen desserts filled with chocolate and high in saturated fat.
  11. Canned pumpkin: “When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if not…mmmmm, boy!” I love Jack Handy.

That was fun, but now I’m hungry.

[Posted by Mallory]

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