Tag Archives: comedy

want to read some funny quotes?

Good, because I felt like looking up a bunch of Jack Handy and Mitch Hedberg quotes that I love:

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting.” [Jack Handy]

“Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!'” [Mitch Hedberg] 

      “The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, ‘Oh, you mean this?’ and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?” [Jack Handy, way better than David Blaine]

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say ‘Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.’ And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. ‘Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.'” [Mitch Hedberg]

Genius.

Also, my officemate and I were just discussing food metaphors that don’t make sense. Like “another bite of the apple,” which, according to her, is very common among lawyer types. Who only takes one bite of an apple? It’s your apple. I don’t care what you do with it; go ahead, take another bite! Then there’s “have your cake and eat it too.” What kind of crazy person wouldn’t eat their own cake? If I have some cake, I’m going to eat that cake, and I am not going to be made to feel guilty about such a thing.

Deep thoughts by Mallory and E. Lee.

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under food, humor, RIP, thoughts

youtube clip of today: wii breakfast.

Those folks on the other side of the pond are just so witty, are they not?  As someone who does not own a Wii and does not find it as amazing or entertaining as everyone else, I found this to be particularly funny.  My typical response when asked to play Wii?  ‘We would NOT like to play!’ Followed by me laughing at my own joke.  Get it?  Like the commercial?  I am hilarious!  While goofy, the video (brought to us by Idiots of Ants) does touch on something bizarre about our culture– our need for all those pointless games and silly controllers.  I mean, if anything, don’t you just love the accents?

So don’t get too disappointed that the game is fake.  I would like to see it exist for one scenario alone: if Mallory were to play, she’d make one hell of a breakfast sandwich.  

[Posted by Kathleen]

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Filed under blogging, definitely not politics, humor, pop culture, random, weird, YouTube