Tag Archives: breakfast sandwiches

department of things that are unsurprising…

So, remember back around Christmastime when I posted about the best invention ever in the world? Which was a breakfast sandwich-making machine? And remember how none of you assholes bought it for me?

Well, turns out one of you assholes HAD bought it for me, almost a full year prior, in anticipation of my graduation. Two major observations here:

1. How great is the thought and planning that went into this gift? The idea was hatched more than a year before the gift was given, and was kept secret all that time! It still makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to think about it.

2. My favorite gift that I received for my graduation from graduate school was a machine that makes breakfast sandwiches.

The rooms and I got to christen the breakfast sandwich machine a couple of weeks ago, and holy soy sausage, that thing is amazing. Try to imagine it: an average toaster with a sidecar that includes an egg cooker and a meat warmer. You can’t even picture it, can you? It’s beyond the realm of your imagination, isn’t it? Thank goodness Amazon can provide a photo:

Hello, lover.

Here’s how it goes: you pop your bread in the toaster, crack an egg into the world’s tiniest frying pan, place your meat in the meat warmer, press a button, and spend the next ten minutes staring eagerly at your breakfast sandwich machine and reading the instruction manual, which says hilarious things like “Remove toast, egg, and meat. Assemble into sandwich, or enjoy separately.” And then…it’s ready. And the egg looks just like those freaky perfect round ones from McDonald’s. And suddenly, all is right with the world.

It’s the little things, really.

[Posted by Mallory]

1 Comment

Filed under adventures, food, health

ladies and gents, a christmas post!

It’s that time of the year, folks! The time of the year when you have 14,000 things to do because you’re in grad school and you’re bitter because all you want to do is gorge on cookies and listen to Christmas music. So as a subsitute, you eat whatever free food is given to you, and stand in front of Five Guys for long periods of time because you can hear their Christmas music from outside the restaurant. (No, that didn’t happen. Except one time, maybe it did.)

It’s also the time of year that, apparently, my office goes CAH-razy for the holidays. We have at least three full-size Christmas trees on my floor alone (not to mention the intense lobby decorations), and this morning I walked by the office of a co-worker who appears to have scotch-taped a Christmas dish towel to his door. Also, our office party begins at 11:30. In the morning. And lasts all day. Happy Holidays indeed.

So have you guys heard Lady Gaga’s new “Christmas” song? I’ve heard it once. It goes like this:

Now, I hadn’t heard that song at the time that a stranger sent me the following lyrics via Gchat:

Light me up put me on top lets
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ho ho ho
Under the miseltoe
Yes everybody knows
We will take off our clothes
Yes if you want us to we will (huh) you
Ho ho christmas
My christmas tree is delicious

He was one of those automatic people that got added to my Gchat even though I don’t know him at all (you Gmailers know how that works), and he sent me that awkwardness. And that made me smile, because normally I do the awkward things around here.

UPDATE: My officemate tells me that this isn’t Lady Gaga, and she’s obsessed with Lady Gaga, so I kind of believe her. I feel like a sucker. Can anyone clarify?? Either way, that story is still awkward OKAY?

UPDATE THE SECOND: Wait, maybe it is real?

In conclusion. I know that I make a lot of jokes on this blog, but I’m about to get serious. I really and truly need someone to buy me this for Christmas. In return, I will give you my eternal love and adoration, along with a piping hot cup of coffee (or tea!) and a damn good breakfast sandwich. (Seriously. Not a joke. I’ll send you my mailing address.)

[Posted by Mallory]

1 Comment

Filed under adventures, food, music, thoughts, YouTube

youtube clip of today: wii breakfast.

Those folks on the other side of the pond are just so witty, are they not?  As someone who does not own a Wii and does not find it as amazing or entertaining as everyone else, I found this to be particularly funny.  My typical response when asked to play Wii?  ‘We would NOT like to play!’ Followed by me laughing at my own joke.  Get it?  Like the commercial?  I am hilarious!  While goofy, the video (brought to us by Idiots of Ants) does touch on something bizarre about our culture– our need for all those pointless games and silly controllers.  I mean, if anything, don’t you just love the accents?

So don’t get too disappointed that the game is fake.  I would like to see it exist for one scenario alone: if Mallory were to play, she’d make one hell of a breakfast sandwich.  

[Posted by Kathleen]


Filed under blogging, definitely not politics, humor, pop culture, random, weird, YouTube

peace is not a side dish.

Here’s the thing. I feel like I am drunk, but really, I have just been writing papers for too many hours and days and days and hours. I got so wacky that I almost wrote “peace is not a side dish” in my paper before realizing that it was not even a remotely academic thing to say. Now I’m done writing for tonight, but I have to wait for my friend Jill because I don’t want to walk home alone in the cold. 

So how about I tell you some random shit?

First, this is a weird video that Kathleen nerded over from South America:

I find it both cute and really, really sad. I hate when the hamster is left on his back like that! 

Junior year of college, my friends Katie and Annie got two gerbils, and named them Stella and Jager. We played fun games like Blackout Gerbil Out and Gerbilvision, but that got old after like two weeks. Now Katie’s little sister takes care of the herby gerbs.

Speaking of animals, did you hear about the woman who “hid a sedated monkey under her blouse on a flight from Thailand“? This crazy lady, whose name is obviously Gypsy, tried to hide the monkey under a loose-fitting blouse, and now she’s in big trouble for smuggling. Apparently it just looked like she was pregnant. I mean, I wear a lot of loose-fitting blouses, but usually it’s to hide a belly full of Smartfood and breakfast sandwiches, not a monkey.

Speaking of monkeys, I LOVE Pandora. Like a lot. It is so great. Another thing that I love is video chat. I love that video chat turns quasi-adults into four-year-olds making funny faces in the mirror. It’s hysterical. My friend Jill and I video-chatted our friend Tamar today, and we essentially spent the whole time seeing who could make the ugliest face. Mature? No. Entertaining? YES. 

Aaand continuing with the stream-of-consciousness, have you guys tried the fancy new things on Gmail? There are SO many cool new things, which I obviously spent way too long playing with today. You can make task lists on your Gmail (hellooo, Type A); take “breaks” where your Gmail basically forces you to not be glued to your computer for 15 minutes (hellooo, lack of self control); and you can customize your label colors (hellooo, NERD). The best one, though, is the attachment reminder. If you write in your email that you are attaching something and then you forget to attach it, Gmail will REMIND YOU TO ATTACH IT. 

This is all awesome, but it also freaks me out a little. I mean, Gmail has been around for a few years and it is already basically thinking for us. I can’t even fathom what they’ll come up with next. If it’s a feature that blow dries my hair and makes me breakfast while I check my morning email, though, I’ll be okay with it.

Final Bonus Confession: I get both Economist updates and Self Fit Move of the Week updates emailed to me, and I always delete them before I even open them. But I won’t unsubscribe, because that would prove that I’m un-intellectual and lazy. Logical, right?

[Posted by Mallory]


Filed under adventures, animals, babies, food, humor, music, news, post-college depression, thoughts, YouTube

five foods to change the world.

I’ve been on campus for an hour, and haven’t done any work yet. Why, you ask? Because of the Top Five Favorite Foods Game. I’m not sure if I have talked about this game on the blog yet, but today I played with my “bosses.” The rules vary from game to game, but for the purposes of this game, categories (i.e. Mexican food) and drinks were forbidden. So here’s a peek into my life (or just my Gmail):

Subject: i want to play!

From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:36 AM
To: Mallory, Go

Are these foods discretionary?  i.e. Are all of my nutritional needs already met?  If so, then my list is as follows:

5. Broccoli is tied with Soy Sauce
4. Macaroni and Cheese
3. Garlic
2. Bacon
1. Krispy Kreme donuts

From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:38 AM
To: Mallory, Go

Crap.  I forgot coffee, beer, and mayonnaise. 

From: Mallory 
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:38 AM
To: Jen, Go

Yes, totally discretionary. There is a different game about which foods you would eat if you could only eat five for the rest of your life. Go and I think you cheated because you can’t have a tie. Other than that, good choices. 

From: Go
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:40 AM
To: Mallory, Jen

HAHAHAHAHAHA, broccoli and soy sauce?!?  Ok, just to update you, these are Mallory and my top five favorite foods as of this morning:

#5 Stuffing
#4 Goat cheese
#3 Pizza
#2 Salsa
#1 Breakfast sandwiches (e.g., sausage, egg and cheese on toast, bagel or English muffin)

#5 Chicken wings
#4 Thanksgiving turkey
#3 Choco chip coffee ice cream
#2 Steak
#1 Sushi

From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:49 AM
To: Go, Mallory


You are so predictable.  I expected more.  Sushi, steak, and ice cream???

From: Go
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:58 AM
To: Jen, Mallory

Predictable?!?   PREDICTABLE?!?  At least I listed REAL foods!  Broccoli?  Soy sauce?  Garlic?  These aren’t even side dishes!  BLAH!

From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 11:02 AM
To: Go, Mallory

Fine, I’ll remove soy sauce and garlic.  But broccoli stays.  And I get unlimited beer and coffee.    

5. Broccoli
4. Pot stickers
3. Mac and Cheese
2. Bacon
1. Krispy Kreme Donuts

Perhaps this is why I’m still not done with my paper.

[Posted by Mallory]

1 Comment

Filed under food, humor, post-college depression, random

game over. lochte is my soulmate.

New York correspondent Lana sent me this video, which proved once and for all that Ryan Lochte and I are destined for each other. Unforunately, it’s not on YouTube, so I can only give you the link. The point is, he loves breakfast sandwiches. Fated, no? And apparently he also loves salt. I can see it now: we’ll be married and I’ll be fat and pregnant, while he’ll still be hot and siwmmer-y. We’ll start every day with a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, and then go home and do lines of salt off of his gold medals.

Want more? Me too:

That’s the grill he wore while accepting his silver medal at the 2007 World Championships in Melbourne. 

Here’s another video of Lochte after the Olympic Trials:

Perhaps not the most eloquent of speakers, but perfect nonetheless. And those other bitches who think they love him better back the fuck off. He’s mine.

[Posted by Mallory]


Filed under crushes, food, sports