Author Archives: Mallory

by | January 30, 2010 · 1:23 pm

on the wonder of the beard.

I know I’ve mentioned this before (ah yes, here, here, here, and here, among other places) : I love beards. Love them. If a dude has one, odds are I’m attracted to him, even if he is attractive in no other way, even if he’s 60 years old, etc. etc. Lately, beards have been all over the place!

First, Susnan sent me this song, with the recommendation that I listen to the last five seconds. You should too:

Then KTray sent me an email that included a link to various beard-y crafts on Etsy. My favorite was this one:

If you want to buy it for me, that would be okay.

A few days later, guest blogger Madeline sent me the following video. If you can’t tell me you love beards after watching it, then we probably shouldn’t be friends:

And then I had a dream that I was making out with Jamiroquai, and he had a great beard. This is particularly bizarre because (1) in my waking life I have no clue what Jamiroquai looks like and (2) I thought Jamiroquai was black, which was weird because in my dream he was white. Turns out, he actually is white, which means my subconscious knows things that my conscious doesn’t. (I also thought Winston Churchill was black until I was in high school. But Winston Churchill didn’t have a beard, so let’s not worry about him here.)

Enjoy the snow, DCites!

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 25, 2010 · 10:39 pm

guys, i’m addicted to the bachelor.

Confession: the only show I have been watching regularly this semester (as in, sitting down and watching it when it airs in real time) is The Bachelor. I know. I KNOW. Guys, this show is SO bad. Like, truly awful. It’s cheesy, it’s contrived, it’s uncomfortable to watch, and my roommate and I spend the entire TWO hours yelling at the television in exasperation.

And yet…I can’t stop watching.

It feels good to get that out.

(For the record: we are Team Gia slash Team Tenley slash Team WHO THE HELL IS JESSIE?!)

UPDATE: Apparently I am far from alone in this. About a million people have told me that they have similar inexplicable addictions to this trash. Jamie, Angie, Shan, Maddy, Kaitlin Van…I’m looking at you.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 20, 2010 · 9:26 am

oompa loompas don’t sing in heaven.

About a week ago, through E.Lee, Mr. Luz introduced me to the Sleep Talkin’ Man. The Sleep Talkin’ Man is an ordinarily “mild-mannered” English man, Adam, who says some crazy shiz in his sleep. His wife, entertained by all of the sleep talkin’ craziness, decided to start a blog to share Adam’s ramblings with the world.

Now, I’m a really deep sleeper, and I’ve been known to do some sleep talking in my day. (Just ask my roommates, who have at least pretended to be amused when really they probably hate(d) me for it.) But the stuff I say can never compare to Adam’s comments. Here’s a sampling:

“My bagder’s gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!”

“Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling.”

“Oompa loompas don’t sing in heaven. They tidy up the clouds.”

“Don’t… Don’t put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They’ll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings.”

“I’d rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that’s just my opinion. Don’t take it personally.”

“I’ve got a badger, a dog, a cat, and a sack. Now that I’ve got ’em you can fuck off. All mine.”

I first heard about Sleep Talkin’ Man last week (how’s THAT for ahead of the curve?!), and now he’s getting some “serious” press in the form of British news shows and, this Friday, The Today Show. Go add him to your Google Reader and enjoy, and when the rest of the world starts talking about him on Friday afternoon, say “HA, old news.”

Also, some guy who was once naked in Cosmo beat some lawyer lady who is above campaigning in some important political race in Massachusetts. Sigh. This is something Kathleen would have covered in the good ol’ days, but now she has a “job” or some such thing. Instead, you can read funny things at Wonkette or serious things at the New York Times, or you can just put on your flannel nightgown and cry a little bit, like me. Your call!

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 19, 2010 · 9:45 am

today is a google holiday, hooray!

Today’s Google Holiday: Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. I’m a little confused by this. MLK’s birthday is actually on January 15, and today isn’t Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Maybe Google is just leaving this one up for a few days. Can anyone confirm whether this Google Holiday was up yesterday (or Friday, for that matter)? Either way, heck yeah Martin Luther King. My friend EA had some nice things to say over at her blog, …and then it’s perfect. I especially liked this post, which includes a graphic I’d been meaning to post myself.

What I was Googling: lima (to get the link for the fundraiser announced below)

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 19, 2010 · 9:31 am

dc: doctors without borders fundraising event.

Friends of mine are involved with planning the following fundraiser for Haiti, so if you’re in DC and available, please consider attending:

That image may be a little difficult to read, so here are the details:

What: A Doctors Without Borders Fundraising Event
When: Wednesday, January 20 from 5:30 to 8:00 p.m.
Where: Lima (1401 K Street NW in Washington, DC)
Why: There will be a suggested donation of $5, and Lima will donate 20% of the night’s proceeds to Doctors Without Borders to help the aid efforts in Haiti. Plus, there will be drink specials and complimentary hors d’oeuvres.

Hopefully some of you DC locals can make it. Whether or not you can attend, please continue to send whatever you can (prayers, money, supplies, or otherwise) to the people affected by the earthquake in Haiti.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 14, 2010 · 9:36 pm

just six words and a link.

One blogger’s effort to help Haitians.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 14, 2010 · 8:31 pm

no place for the weary kind.

This song better win an Oscar:

As should Jeff Bridges, also (obviously) for Crazy Heart. I mean, I actually don’t at all know what I’m talking about, but he was really, really good.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 12, 2010 · 2:40 pm

this is such a great idea.

There is now a punctuation mark that you can use to indicate that you’re being sarcastic. It costs $1.99.

This is a joke, right? If you need a symbol to indicate when you’re being sarcastic, then you suck at being sarcastic (or your friends suck for not comprehending sarcasm). Telling someone you’re being sarcastic kills all the fun; it’s like when someone makes you explain a joke to them:

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” [E.B. White]

 And more importantly, as E.Lee so wisely pointed out, “That thing doesn’t even LOOK like sarcasm!”

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 12, 2010 · 9:51 am

i’m crying foul on mcgwire’s confession.

As you’ve probably heard, Mark McGwire recently admitted that he used steroids in the 1990s, which more or less nullifies his impressive 70-home-run season in 1998. While I’m all for honesty, his confession strikes me as inauthentic and somehow cowardly. I think it’s inauthentic because he made bullshit statements like these in his interview with Bob Costas:

Still, McGwire told Costas he “absolutely” could have broken the record without using steroids, pointing to his home run prowess going back to Little League. “That’s why it’s the most regrettable thing I’ve ever done in my life,” McGwire said.

[McGwire] added: “I don’t want to use it as a crutch, but there was no drug testing. I didn’t use it for strength. I used it to help me recover from injuries.”

I find it cowardly because there’s something frustrating about someone who does something they blatantly know is wrong with the hope/knowledge that one day they can apologize for it and all will be forgiven. I’ll make a few things clear: first, I’m sure McGwire was under a lot of pressure and that this steroid thing probably has caused him a lot of agony over the years; second, I know that he didn’t have to come clean, and that he is putting his reputation at risk with an admission like this; and third, I’m sure he’s not the only one who holds this secret. All that said, he was a grown man back in the ’90s and he knew that what he was doing was wrong. It reminds me of when someone apologizes to me for doing something wrong and I’m all WHELP, glad you’re sorry, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m pissed. “Sorry” isn’t always some magic get-out-of-jail free card that instantly erases all wrongdoing. NO, NO I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU.

And the funny thing is…I don’t care about baseball. I’m not sure why this is getting me all riled up.

What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? Giving him too much credit? Is this old news, since according to my officemate, Cardinals fans have known about this for years? Am I ignoring the real infuriating story of the hour, which is the announcement that Sarah Palin will be joining Fox News as a contributor?

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | January 10, 2010 · 12:26 pm

ellen, get out of my head.

“I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh…is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh…and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh…try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.” –Ellen DeGeneres

[Posted by Mallory]

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