Since Kathleen is off doing actually important things, you’re stuck with me for liveblogging. You can expect me to have an extremely unsophisticated analysis. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
10:00 — Football is still on. NBC doesn’t care about the Republicans.
10:01 — Ah, there we go. Shot of Palin and Cindy. They’re both wearing shiny suits. Today I had several anxiety attacks thinking about what would happen if John McCain was elected president and then died.
10:05 — Here we go with the video. Ha ha he’s a momma’s boy.
10:06 — Everyone is John McCain’s family was in a war. Had you heard that McCain fought in Vietnam? And he almost died? But he was DESTINED TO BE PRESIDENT. Oh also, he was tortured.
10:07 — Okay, sure, John McCain was once sort of attractive. He spent years in HELL…nice dramatic rhetoric, there.
10:09 — Cindy really does look like an alien. Ha, he’s not in this to support any political party…then why didn’t he act like a real maverick and pick Lieberman?
10:10 — Pictures of babies and old women. He has seven children? I did not know that. Oh wait, I do remember that blonde girl who writes the terrible blog.
10:11 — “The stars are aligned…”? Really? He’s stealing Barry’s “change” word.
10:11 — Wait, did they MENTION that McCain was tortured? In Vietnam? He lived in a BOX, PEOPLE. Ha ha, box. He will keep other people from enduring that box. Sexist!
10:13 — Here he comes. They set aside seven minutes for applause. Hmm. He is wearing a gold tie, which means he hates America.
10:14 — It’s sort of sad that Barry filled Invesco and what ever small St. Paul place this speech is in isn’t even full.
10:14 — Weird, someone in the crowd has a disposable camera.
10:15 — Ha, three minutes and he’s already talking. GREEN SCREEN ALERT. Or wait, is that a lawn?
10:16 — “USA! USA! USA!”
10:16 — Surprise surprise, he accepts the nomination.
10:16 — Reference to Bush, but he quickly ties it to 9/11. Good save, Johnny.
10:17 — His signs so aren’t as cool as Barry’s.
10:18 — “I’m indebted to my robot wife Cindy, whom I selected once my other wife got crippled.”
10:18 — Cindy ALMOST looks like she might cry. She has really thin lips.
10:19 — McCain’s mom is sort of adorable. I like her big blue earrings.
10:21 — Says some nice things about Barry. Can they PLEASE stop chanting USA?
10:22 — McCain holds his shoulders awkwardly as he promises to win the election.
10:23 — AH A CRAZY WOMAN JUST RUSHED THE STAGE! No one knows what to do! This is amazing! Wait is that a Code Pinker? McCain calms them down with his creepy laugh. I think there are two crazy women. One in a suit, one in a weird pink satin shirt with writing on it. Hmm.
10:24 — He seems to be annoyed that they keep chanting “USA.” He could use some Crest White Strips. They’re only like $17 now.
10:25 — Everyone loves Sarah Palin. Did he just pronounce her name wrong?
10:25 — “I want to thank everyone in American for ignoring Sarah’s lack of experience and instead focusing on the fact that she’s sort of hot.”
10:26 — Shot of the Palin kids. Ah, there’s Bristol. Where’s hot hot baby daddy Levi?
10:27 — He can’t wait to introduce Palin to Washington because SHE’S BASICALLY NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE.
10:27 — “Change is coming.” Seriously dude, that’s basically plagarism.
10:29 — “Heh heh. Did I mention I’ve been called a maverick?” Ha, someone’s McCain-Palin sign is upside-down.
10:31 — I still get email updates about concerts coming to Denver, and I get really angry when there are good people coming when I’m not there. Anyone want to fly me out to Denver on October 16 to see Conor Oberst?
10:32 — THE Georgetown bar is “hoppin,” according to my roommate. I wish I was liveblogging this from a bar.
10:33 — Okay, so he talked about Iraq for a while, but so far this speech seems kind of fluffy.
10:33 — Ooh here come the personal sob stories. Aw, a dad is crying.
10:34 — McCain wears a bracelet of a young man who died in Iraq. The kid’s parents look so sad.
10:36 — He promises to get back to basics. Shot of a kid with a phallic elephant hat on his head.
10:36 — American Dream rhetoric. “We’re all God’s children, and we’re all Americans.”
10:37 — Rattles off the romantic reasons that people like my dad are Republicans. Too bad that’s quite far from reality.
10:38 — He’ll give us a government that doesn’t make our choices for us, but rather lets us make more choices for ourselves. They’re booing Obama. WATCH IT PEOPLE WE LOVE BARRY.
10:39 — I wonder who all those people in the straw hats are.
10:41 — Do I want to go watch this speech at my roommate’s boyfriend’s house and eat ice cream? Hmmm.
10:42 — “Something related to education is the civil rights movement of this century.” Interesting analogy. I might have said that the GLBT movement is the most important civil rights issue right now. Not that education’s not important, but you know…
10:44 — People are yawning. I am too.
10:45 — Did Palin get new glasses?
10:45 — “We will drill off-shore and we will drill NOW!” Someone is holding up an “Environmentalists for McCain” sign. Really? Did they notice that Palin doesn’t believe humans are responsible for global warming?
10:46 — Stop making fun of Barry; we all know off-shore drilling isn’t a long-term option.
10:47 — “We must see the threats to peace and liberty in our time clearly.” True, let’s do that.
10:48 — “Iran is evil. So is Russia.” But I don’t understand…I have a REALLY adorable teacher from Iran. He wears bow ties.
10:49 — “I’m not afraid; I’m prepared. I know how the military works…yada yada.”
10:50 — My roommate just left. She took the ice cream. Now I’m bored and lonely again with no one but McCain to keep me company.
10:51 — Okay, he spoke sort of eloquently there about war and peace and keeping us safe.
10:52 — I don’t think I’m very good at liveblogging. I’m exceptionally bored and don’t have anything insightful to say. I wish I had something delicious to snack on. Let’s see what Wonkette just liveblogged: “He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.” Dear Wonkette, I love you.
10:53 — “I WAS IN A WAR, REMEMBER? THAT BLACK GUY WASN’T.”
10:54 — Girl with yellow eyeshadow cries.
10:55 — Ooh valuable life lesson time. Oh, shocker, it’s about how he was in the war. “Vietnam Vietnam…torture torture torture…I was a maverick…I was shot down…and remember, I was tortured!!!” Two other soldiers he was with took care of him and saved his life. That does make me feel sort of warm and fuzzy inside.
11:02 — “We’ve gotta fight for our right to party.” Okay he didn’t really say that. Now he’s talking like a robot through the cheers of the crowd. Ha, they, they worked in a shot of a guy wearing a yarmulke and a black woman right at the end. Republicans are so diverse!
11:05 — Phew, it’s over. What is that music at the end? Oh, it’s really bad, tacky country music, that’s what.
11:07 — The balloons just dropped, awkwardly late. What is this, THE PROM?! (Zing!)
Okay I’m finished with this. Hopefully Kathleen will be back tomorrow with some legitimate commentary.
[Posted by Mallory]