Tag Archives: america

i’ve gone to look for america.

If I ever leave everything behind and drive across the country just to explore, it’s because of this song.

PS- How emo is Art Garfunkel?  Turtleneck sweater, crazy hair, sappy serious look on his face?  Rawr.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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liveblogging john “walnuts” mccain’s acceptance speech.

Since Kathleen is off doing actually important things, you’re stuck with me for liveblogging. You can expect me to have an extremely unsophisticated analysis. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

10:00 — Football is still on. NBC doesn’t care about the Republicans.

10:01 — Ah, there we go. Shot of Palin and Cindy. They’re both wearing shiny suits. Today I had several anxiety attacks thinking about what would happen if John McCain was elected president and then died.

10:05 — Here we go with the video. Ha ha he’s a momma’s boy.

10:06 — Everyone is John McCain’s family was in a war. Had you heard that McCain fought in Vietnam? And he almost died? But he was DESTINED TO BE PRESIDENT. Oh also, he was tortured.

10:07 — Okay, sure, John McCain was once sort of attractive. He spent years in HELL…nice dramatic rhetoric, there.

10:09 — Cindy really does look like an alien. Ha, he’s not in this to support any political party…then why didn’t he act like a real maverick and pick Lieberman?

10:10 — Pictures of babies and old women. He has seven children? I did not know that. Oh wait, I do remember that blonde girl who writes the terrible blog.

10:11 — “The stars are aligned…”? Really? He’s stealing Barry’s “change” word.

10:11 — Wait, did they MENTION that McCain was tortured? In Vietnam? He lived in a BOX, PEOPLE. Ha ha, box.  He will keep other people from enduring that box. Sexist!

10:13 — Here he comes. They set aside seven minutes for applause. Hmm. He is wearing a gold tie, which means he hates America.

10:14 — It’s sort of sad that Barry filled Invesco and what ever small St. Paul place this speech is in isn’t even full. 

10:14 — Weird, someone in the crowd has a disposable camera.

10:15 — Ha, three minutes and he’s already talking. GREEN SCREEN ALERT. Or wait, is that a lawn?

10:16 — “USA! USA! USA!”

10:16 — Surprise surprise, he accepts the nomination.

10:16 — Reference to Bush, but he quickly ties it to 9/11. Good save, Johnny. 

10:17 — His signs so aren’t as cool as Barry’s.

10:18 — “I’m indebted to my robot wife Cindy, whom I selected once my other wife got crippled.”

10:18 — Cindy ALMOST looks like she might cry. She has really thin lips.

10:19 — McCain’s mom is sort of adorable. I like her big blue earrings. 

10:21 — Says some nice things about Barry. Can they PLEASE stop chanting USA?

10:22 — McCain holds his shoulders awkwardly as he promises to win the election.

10:23 — AH A CRAZY WOMAN JUST RUSHED THE STAGE! No one knows what to do! This is amazing! Wait is that a Code Pinker? McCain calms them down with his creepy laugh. I think there are two crazy women. One in a suit, one in a weird pink satin shirt with writing on it. Hmm.

10:24 — He seems to be annoyed that they keep chanting “USA.” He could use some Crest White Strips. They’re only like $17 now.

10:25 — Everyone loves Sarah Palin. Did he just pronounce her name wrong?

10:25 — “I want to thank everyone in American for ignoring Sarah’s lack of experience and instead focusing on the fact that she’s sort of hot.”

10:26 — Shot of the Palin kids. Ah, there’s Bristol. Where’s hot hot baby daddy Levi?

10:27 — He can’t wait to introduce Palin to Washington because SHE’S BASICALLY NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE.

10:27 — “Change is coming.” Seriously dude, that’s basically plagarism.

10:29 — “Heh heh. Did I mention I’ve been called a maverick?” Ha, someone’s McCain-Palin sign is upside-down.

10:31 — I still get email updates about concerts coming to Denver, and I get really angry when there are good people coming when I’m not there. Anyone want to fly me out to Denver on October 16 to see Conor Oberst?

10:32 — THE Georgetown bar is “hoppin,” according to my roommate. I wish I was liveblogging this from a bar.

10:33 — Okay, so he talked about Iraq for a while, but so far this speech seems kind of fluffy.

10:33 — Ooh here come the personal sob stories. Aw, a dad is crying.

10:34 — McCain wears a bracelet of a young man who died in Iraq. The kid’s parents look so sad.

10:36 — He promises to get back to basics. Shot of a kid with a phallic elephant hat on his head.

10:36 — American Dream rhetoric. “We’re all God’s children, and we’re all Americans.”

10:37 — Rattles off the romantic reasons that people like my dad are Republicans. Too bad that’s quite far from reality.

10:38 — He’ll give us a government that doesn’t make our choices for us, but rather lets us make more choices for ourselves. They’re booing Obama. WATCH IT PEOPLE WE LOVE BARRY.

10:39 — I wonder who all those people in the straw hats are.

10:41 — Do I want to go watch this speech at my roommate’s boyfriend’s house and eat ice cream? Hmmm.

10:42 — “Something related to education is the civil rights movement of this century.” Interesting analogy. I might have said that the GLBT movement is the most important civil rights issue right now. Not that education’s not important, but you know…

10:44 — People are yawning. I am too.

10:45 — Did Palin get new glasses?

10:45 —  “We will drill off-shore and we will drill NOW!” Someone is holding up an “Environmentalists for McCain” sign. Really? Did they notice that Palin doesn’t believe humans are responsible for global warming?

10:46 — Stop making fun of Barry; we all know off-shore drilling isn’t a long-term option. 

10:47 — “We must see the threats to peace and liberty in our time clearly.” True, let’s do that.

10:48 — “Iran is evil. So is Russia.” But I don’t understand…I have a REALLY adorable teacher from Iran. He wears bow ties.

10:49 — “I’m not afraid; I’m prepared. I know how the military works…yada yada.”

10:50 — My roommate just left. She took the ice cream. Now I’m bored and lonely again with no one but McCain to keep me company.

10:51 — Okay, he spoke sort of eloquently there about war and peace and keeping us safe. 

10:52 — I don’t think I’m very good at liveblogging. I’m exceptionally bored and don’t have anything insightful to say. I wish I had something delicious to snack on. Let’s see what Wonkette just liveblogged: “He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.” Dear Wonkette, I love you. 

10:53 — “I WAS IN A WAR, REMEMBER? THAT BLACK GUY WASN’T.”

10:54 — Girl with yellow eyeshadow cries.

10:55 — Ooh valuable life lesson time. Oh, shocker, it’s about how he was in the war. “Vietnam Vietnam…torture torture torture…I was a maverick…I was shot down…and remember, I was tortured!!!” Two other soldiers he was with took care of him and saved his life. That does make me feel sort of warm and fuzzy inside.

11:02 — “We’ve gotta fight for our right to party.” Okay he didn’t really say that. Now he’s talking like a robot through the cheers of the crowd. Ha, they, they worked in a shot of a guy wearing a yarmulke and a black woman right at the end. Republicans are so diverse!

11:05 — Phew, it’s over. What is that music at the end? Oh, it’s really bad, tacky country music, that’s what.

11:07 — The balloons just dropped, awkwardly late. What is this, THE PROM?! (Zing!)

Okay I’m finished with this. Hopefully Kathleen will be back tomorrow with some legitimate commentary.

[Posted by Mallory]

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and i’m BACK in the game!

Okay, so even though I am an adult and got the cable and Internet arranged, the Comcast guy doesn’t come until tomorrow, so I’ve been practically weeping at every Olympic reference in the news because I still don’t have a working TV, dammit. Today, however, I remembered that I have very little to do, plus a working computer, plus access to the Internet. And MSNBC has video. At least for swimming, I’m feeling a little caught up. The commie Olympic folks won’t let people post videos on YouTube, but if you didn’t see the men’s 400 free relay, find a way to watch it immediately. I may have sobbed while watching the boys celebrate. Here’s Michael Phelps celebrating in a slightly terrifying way:

Nice work, Michael. Equally nice work in the 800 free relay, and everything else you’ve swam and won. I’ve gotten plenty of flack on this blog for making fun of the way certain European monkey athletes look, but I’d just like to see a little less of Michael Phelp’s fucked up teeth (which are on an amazing body, and he is an amazing athlete, calm down, Etienne) and a little more of Mr. Lochte. Just saying:

Mmm, now what was I talking about? Ah, right Olympics. Go America! 

And Ryan? I like the hair better shaggy.

[Posted by Mallory]

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the baseball game that took for-ev-eeer.

Wow, what an All-Star game! Since Kathleen and I are practically professional MLB commentators, we have a lot of insight on the game. Because we like you, we’ll let you see some of the wisdom we passed back and forth while we watched:

Kathleen: this allstar game is absurd
Mallory: im glad youre watching! its nuts!
Kathleen: seriously!
Mallory: that uggla guy is a huge fuckup
Kathleen: haha never in a million years would i have pegged myself as the kind of girl to watch a baseball game all by herself at 1 a.m., but here i am

And then Kathleen blew me away with this one:

Kathleen: i love jd drew right now

Then we got extremely sophisticated in our analysis. If you don’t know a TON about baseball, you may not be able to follow this:

Kathleen: francona was really cute…did you see him freak out?
Mallory: yes that was adorable! i love baseball!
Kathleen: i feel so american
Me: im not even sad…theyre all so cute!
i like that shaggy one on the rangers
kinsler?
something like that
hes cute

And just so you know, Kinsler IS cute. Which is probably the adjective he strives for. See:

Soooo anyway, in case you live on the east coast and maybe have a job that prevents you from staying up until 1:45 a.m. watching baseball, I’ll fill you in. After a grueling 15 innings and almost five hours, the American League won this year’s All-Star game, 4-3. It was so intense that Kathleen and I both stayed up and watched until the end! That’s impressive! Besides Dan Uggla committing like 300 errors, everyone played really well, and I don’t actually know what I’m talking about so I’ll stop here. Good job everyone! Go America! Goodnight!

[Posted by Mallory]

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miss usa crystle stewart wipes out.

Readers, here is something for your Monday morning. Enjoy! Even beauty queens have bad days…

As if the world couldn’t think America was any dumber, we were shamed at the Miss Universe pageant, the Olympics of Beauty, for the second year in a row. Here is what the UK’s Times Online had to say (why are Brits so much funnier even in their news ledes?!):

For the second year in succession, the American entrant in the Miss Universe pageant failed to meet the crucial challenge of walking and smiling at the same time.

Crystle Stewart, from Texas, tripped and fell on stage at the global beauty contest today, just as Miss USA did last year. She failed to make the final, which was won by Miss Venezuela, a former kidnap victim.

Failed to meet the crucial challenge of walking and smiling? HAHA. But seriously, don’t sweat it girl, because you weren’t going to beat a kidnap victim anyway. I mean, COME ON, that’s intense and she deserves to win. Here she is. Rawr.

And I know I said America was shamed earlier, but I was being sarcastic (shocker, I know). I can totally relate to Crystle because I take diggers all the time. So Crystle, I know that you are probably curled up on your bed with tons of decorative pillows, eating full bricks of chocolate and watching Pride and Prejudice (the six A&E hour version) with mascara running down your face but I want you to know it’s going to be okay. You’re still incredibly hot and you still probably want world peace, so get out there and do it. We still love you! And probably didn’t know who you were before this.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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youtube clip of today: the muppets!

Okay, so, I KNOW it’s not still Independence Day, but it is still Independence Day weekend. Plus, patriotism is always allowed. I’ll admit it. I’m easily entertained, but this is kind of funny. It’s the Muppets, for christ’s sake! Plus, Beeker is really cute.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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bikes, boobs and a hemp g-string.

Oregonian (Oregonite? Oregonese?) woman Jen Moss is pissed because people just don’t understand her need to bicycle around topless and are prohibiting her from riding in the Fourth of July parade. According to the AP, Moss is known for riding her bike “free and independent of all clothing but a hemp G-string”. In fact, she’s known as “The Naked Lady”.

I get the naked part (let the girls get some air), but the hemp G-string sounds questionable at best. You know, back in the day aka 8th grade, I was quite good at making hemp necklaces with cool beads and whatnot. I gave them as gifts to my friends. Maybe now since our tastes have matured, I can make them all hemp G-strings with cute little beads! AHHH! But back to business.

The Ashland Chamber of Commerce is in a battle right now over this. In Moss’ application she said she wants to lead a group of rollerbladers in her hemp booty floss, “blowing a conch shell.” Blowing what wearing what? Errr… Whatev, she sounds like an inspirational leader (those rollerbladers are bound to follow her, along with every creepy man within 50 miles) and America is all about leadership!

Clearly she is a great patriot and loves America. Come on people, it’s the Fourth of July. It’s not like your children haven’t seen boobs before. Let Jen parade!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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