Tag Archives: cindy mccain

liveblogging john “walnuts” mccain’s acceptance speech.

Since Kathleen is off doing actually important things, you’re stuck with me for liveblogging. You can expect me to have an extremely unsophisticated analysis. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

10:00 — Football is still on. NBC doesn’t care about the Republicans.

10:01 — Ah, there we go. Shot of Palin and Cindy. They’re both wearing shiny suits. Today I had several anxiety attacks thinking about what would happen if John McCain was elected president and then died.

10:05 — Here we go with the video. Ha ha he’s a momma’s boy.

10:06 — Everyone is John McCain’s family was in a war. Had you heard that McCain fought in Vietnam? And he almost died? But he was DESTINED TO BE PRESIDENT. Oh also, he was tortured.

10:07 — Okay, sure, John McCain was once sort of attractive. He spent years in HELL…nice dramatic rhetoric, there.

10:09 — Cindy really does look like an alien. Ha, he’s not in this to support any political party…then why didn’t he act like a real maverick and pick Lieberman?

10:10 — Pictures of babies and old women. He has seven children? I did not know that. Oh wait, I do remember that blonde girl who writes the terrible blog.

10:11 — “The stars are aligned…”? Really? He’s stealing Barry’s “change” word.

10:11 — Wait, did they MENTION that McCain was tortured? In Vietnam? He lived in a BOX, PEOPLE. Ha ha, box.  He will keep other people from enduring that box. Sexist!

10:13 — Here he comes. They set aside seven minutes for applause. Hmm. He is wearing a gold tie, which means he hates America.

10:14 — It’s sort of sad that Barry filled Invesco and what ever small St. Paul place this speech is in isn’t even full. 

10:14 — Weird, someone in the crowd has a disposable camera.

10:15 — Ha, three minutes and he’s already talking. GREEN SCREEN ALERT. Or wait, is that a lawn?

10:16 — “USA! USA! USA!”

10:16 — Surprise surprise, he accepts the nomination.

10:16 — Reference to Bush, but he quickly ties it to 9/11. Good save, Johnny. 

10:17 — His signs so aren’t as cool as Barry’s.

10:18 — “I’m indebted to my robot wife Cindy, whom I selected once my other wife got crippled.”

10:18 — Cindy ALMOST looks like she might cry. She has really thin lips.

10:19 — McCain’s mom is sort of adorable. I like her big blue earrings. 

10:21 — Says some nice things about Barry. Can they PLEASE stop chanting USA?

10:22 — McCain holds his shoulders awkwardly as he promises to win the election.

10:23 — AH A CRAZY WOMAN JUST RUSHED THE STAGE! No one knows what to do! This is amazing! Wait is that a Code Pinker? McCain calms them down with his creepy laugh. I think there are two crazy women. One in a suit, one in a weird pink satin shirt with writing on it. Hmm.

10:24 — He seems to be annoyed that they keep chanting “USA.” He could use some Crest White Strips. They’re only like $17 now.

10:25 — Everyone loves Sarah Palin. Did he just pronounce her name wrong?

10:25 — “I want to thank everyone in American for ignoring Sarah’s lack of experience and instead focusing on the fact that she’s sort of hot.”

10:26 — Shot of the Palin kids. Ah, there’s Bristol. Where’s hot hot baby daddy Levi?

10:27 — He can’t wait to introduce Palin to Washington because SHE’S BASICALLY NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE.

10:27 — “Change is coming.” Seriously dude, that’s basically plagarism.

10:29 — “Heh heh. Did I mention I’ve been called a maverick?” Ha, someone’s McCain-Palin sign is upside-down.

10:31 — I still get email updates about concerts coming to Denver, and I get really angry when there are good people coming when I’m not there. Anyone want to fly me out to Denver on October 16 to see Conor Oberst?

10:32 — THE Georgetown bar is “hoppin,” according to my roommate. I wish I was liveblogging this from a bar.

10:33 — Okay, so he talked about Iraq for a while, but so far this speech seems kind of fluffy.

10:33 — Ooh here come the personal sob stories. Aw, a dad is crying.

10:34 — McCain wears a bracelet of a young man who died in Iraq. The kid’s parents look so sad.

10:36 — He promises to get back to basics. Shot of a kid with a phallic elephant hat on his head.

10:36 — American Dream rhetoric. “We’re all God’s children, and we’re all Americans.”

10:37 — Rattles off the romantic reasons that people like my dad are Republicans. Too bad that’s quite far from reality.

10:38 — He’ll give us a government that doesn’t make our choices for us, but rather lets us make more choices for ourselves. They’re booing Obama. WATCH IT PEOPLE WE LOVE BARRY.

10:39 — I wonder who all those people in the straw hats are.

10:41 — Do I want to go watch this speech at my roommate’s boyfriend’s house and eat ice cream? Hmmm.

10:42 — “Something related to education is the civil rights movement of this century.” Interesting analogy. I might have said that the GLBT movement is the most important civil rights issue right now. Not that education’s not important, but you know…

10:44 — People are yawning. I am too.

10:45 — Did Palin get new glasses?

10:45 —  “We will drill off-shore and we will drill NOW!” Someone is holding up an “Environmentalists for McCain” sign. Really? Did they notice that Palin doesn’t believe humans are responsible for global warming?

10:46 — Stop making fun of Barry; we all know off-shore drilling isn’t a long-term option. 

10:47 — “We must see the threats to peace and liberty in our time clearly.” True, let’s do that.

10:48 — “Iran is evil. So is Russia.” But I don’t understand…I have a REALLY adorable teacher from Iran. He wears bow ties.

10:49 — “I’m not afraid; I’m prepared. I know how the military works…yada yada.”

10:50 — My roommate just left. She took the ice cream. Now I’m bored and lonely again with no one but McCain to keep me company.

10:51 — Okay, he spoke sort of eloquently there about war and peace and keeping us safe. 

10:52 — I don’t think I’m very good at liveblogging. I’m exceptionally bored and don’t have anything insightful to say. I wish I had something delicious to snack on. Let’s see what Wonkette just liveblogged: “He’s like, I will not send Young People To Die for no good reason. And yet… just… and yet.” Dear Wonkette, I love you. 

10:53 — “I WAS IN A WAR, REMEMBER? THAT BLACK GUY WASN’T.”

10:54 — Girl with yellow eyeshadow cries.

10:55 — Ooh valuable life lesson time. Oh, shocker, it’s about how he was in the war. “Vietnam Vietnam…torture torture torture…I was a maverick…I was shot down…and remember, I was tortured!!!” Two other soldiers he was with took care of him and saved his life. That does make me feel sort of warm and fuzzy inside.

11:02 — “We’ve gotta fight for our right to party.” Okay he didn’t really say that. Now he’s talking like a robot through the cheers of the crowd. Ha, they, they worked in a shot of a guy wearing a yarmulke and a black woman right at the end. Republicans are so diverse!

11:05 — Phew, it’s over. What is that music at the end? Oh, it’s really bad, tacky country music, that’s what.

11:07 — The balloons just dropped, awkwardly late. What is this, THE PROM?! (Zing!)

Okay I’m finished with this. Hopefully Kathleen will be back tomorrow with some legitimate commentary.

[Posted by Mallory]

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under blogging, family, news, politics, TV

just six words and a picture.

Legs crossed, hands folded, titled heads.

or

Two Stepfords and a moose-eating governor.

or

OMG, Cindy McCain has orange legs.

[Posted by Kathleen]

5 Comments

Filed under humor, politics, pop culture, six word memoirs

americans elect poodle to white house.

Well, not exactly.  But even if they did, a poodle would have more experience than Sarah Palin.  SNAP.

Here’s the real story.  Barack and Michelle promised precious Malia and Sasha that after the election they would get a puppy.  Aww!  So the American Kennel Club held an election–42,000 people voted–to see what breed should be the presidential pup.  And the poodle won.  Apparently the Obamas have allergies (just like my family!  Talk about identity politics…), so that helped narrow down the breeds to choose from.  I’ve been following this story for awhile, because the Chinese Crested Hairless was one of the options.  For those who know me or have read the blog before, I am the proud owner of a hairless dog.  My baby boy, Dr. Seuss, is perfect.  Look how cute Chinese Crested puppies are:

Yeah, you want one too.  PUT BARACK OBAMA AND A CHINESE CRESTED IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

Oh, and they didn’t hold an election for a pet for old Johnny.  This is because he and Cindy already have–I am not making this up–24 pets.  So that’s 3.4285714 pets per house?

[Posted by Kathleen]

9 Comments

Filed under animals, news, politics, random, Uncategorized

john mccain loses the numbers game.

Oh Johnny. It was only a simple question. Politico reporters Jonathan Martin and Mike Allen asked how many houses you have. McCain’s answer is priceless.

“I think — I’ll have my staff get to you. It’s condominiums where — I’ll have them get to you.”

What was that, buddy? You don’t know how many houses you and Cindy own? Well that can’t be good. Now I’m not good at math, but I’m pretty sure I can answer that question for myself. (Um, zero. Oh the joys of living in your parents’ house.)

Okay, so he doesn’t know how many houses he has, but here are some other basic addition questions that I hope John can answer without needing his staff to bail him out:

  • How old are you?
  • How many children do you have?
  • How many days are in a week?
  • How many states are in the union?

Hopefully those are elementary, my dear Watson.

So what did B have to say about the whole thing?

“If you don’t know how many houses you have, then it’s not surprising that you might think the economy is fundamentally strong.”

Zing! Well put. Most of us, John, can count our houses on one hand. Well, one finger. Your choice which finger you use when counting.

Politico did some digging around (apparently the staff didn’t get to them on that?) and discovered the number is at least eight. Johnny obviously wouldn’t be able to handle adding one more (say, the White House). So let’s do Senator John McCain a huuuuuge favor and make sure we don’t rock the boat by changing the number from at least eight to at least nine. It’s the kind thing to do.

And on a sidenote: Barack, I’ve been clinging to my cell phone for dear life waiting for that text message. Please, just let me know!

Update: WashPo does a McCain house(s) tour. Check it out. It’s like MTV Cribs.

[Posted by Kathleen]

1 Comment

Filed under celebrities, humor, news, politics

john mccain is no james mcavoy.

As a full time blogger (read: unemployed and uninsured, so going out into the real world poses a threat to my health. I could get hurt!), it is my responsibility to creep around the internet at 4 a.m. looking for inspiration.

I stumbled across a video about silly, ornery, old John McCain. Apparently, he called his wife a c-c-c-c-c-cunt. I have trouble even typing it. Did Cindy McCain do something so terrible? Nope. She jokingly told him that he was balding. Um, hello, J? When you’re 300 years old, you’re bound to bald. Here is what he said to her:

“At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.”

Wowie! So we know how he really feels. John and Cindy 4eva! I don’t particularly like Cindy McCain, but I would never call her that. I would call her a Stepford Wife, recipe-stealing, identity-stealing recovering drug addict, home-wrecking other woman, but never a cunt. That is NEVER okay. His excuse? He was tired. Um, fine. But as Wonkette pointed out, he’s going to be tired a lot if he becomes president.

The only time I have ever not been offended at all by the word was with James McAvoy and the infamous typewriter scene in Atonement. (Which incidentally, led to the infamous library scene. Rawr!) And even then, as he was typing, my mind kept wondering…Is he really going to type that? Looks like it, but they wouldn’t…oh no! OH MY GOD. HE DID! And for the record-James McAvoy, you can call me anything you’d like.

But I digress.

Barack gets called out for calling a reporter “sweetie”, which, he admits, is a bad habit. At least it’s a casual term of endearment. But nobody calls McCain out for being a complete cotton-headed-ninny-muggins (the worst insult among Santa’s elves, duh) to his wife. Why? I think this video does a really good job at explaining it:

What are your thoughts, you cunts? Did I say that? It’s late, I must be tired.

[Posted by Kathleen]

12 Comments

Filed under politics, YouTube