Today I went on a tour of the White House. I was very excited for said tour because, you know, BARRY, and I was certain that the entire first family would be there to greet me because I was touring in a pack of very important government interns. And oooh boy, what a letdown! That tour was BO-ring. I was sort of warned of that, but I didn’t believe that being in Barry’s house could possibly be boring. I was very, very wrong. The tour is self-guided, you see like four rooms, and there are bored tourists everywhere. I only learned two major things today:
1. Woodrow Wilson was a pretty good looking young man.
2. Barack and Michelle are still perfect.
I have a theory about most tourist attractions. I developed this theory while doing a whirlwind super-touristy tour of Italy with my family a few years ago. In a cultural tourist attraction — say, an art museum or a famous church or a site of ancient ruins — very few people really want to be there. I would estimate that 25% of visitors (if that) are genuinely interested in seeing the stuff; 25% of visitors feel obligated to see the stuff but are secretly really bored; and 50% of people were forced to go by someone in one of the other two groups. Now, I know this isn’t a revolutionary theory, but it’s still strange to think about. Why do we force ourselves to spend hours in museums that we genuinely don’t care about when we could be eating gelato and people-watching? Deep thoughts, people. Deep thoughts.
Speaking of the White House and politics and such, helloooooo New Jersey scandal! So juicy. Illegal sales of body parts? Is this real life? I hope someone tries to buy my kidney for ten grand this weekend while I’m in the Jerz. I’ll keep you posted on that.
Well, not exactly. But even if they did, a poodle would have more experience than Sarah Palin. SNAP.
Here’s the real story. Barack and Michelle promised precious Malia and Sasha that after the election they would get a puppy. Aww! So the American Kennel Club held an election–42,000 people voted–to see what breed should be the presidential pup. And the poodle won. Apparently the Obamas have allergies (just like my family! Talk about identity politics…), so that helped narrow down the breeds to choose from. I’ve been following this story for awhile, because the Chinese Crested Hairless was one of the options. For those who know me or have read the blog before, I am the proud owner of a hairless dog. My baby boy, Dr. Seuss, is perfect. Look how cute Chinese Crested puppies are:
Yeah, you want one too. PUT BARACK OBAMA AND A CHINESE CRESTED IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
Oh, and they didn’t hold an election for a pet for old Johnny. This is because he and Cindy already have–I am not making this up–24 pets. So that’s 3.4285714 pets per house?
So I wrote this yesterday, but couldn’t post it until today. Some live blogger I am.
So here I am, trying to live blog from the convention, yet I find myself live blogging from Boston Logan airport. Such is life. I was, however, lucky that my flight delay coincided perfectly with Michelle Obama’s speech (I only caught part of Sen. Ted Kennedy’s. What I did see, however, was spectacular). I was weeping openly during the video narrated by her mother. And her speech was just incredible. I think that if anybody had any questions about who she was, they were all answered. She gave us a poignant account of who she is and what she has done with her own life. Her brother spoke well when he said that they were proud of her not just because who she had married, but because she was an exemplary public servant in her own right. There was a wonderfully executed balance between showing us who Michelle is without losing sight of Barack. Ahh I love her.
As if you couldn’t already tell how I felt about M.O., here is my gchat gush fest with Caroline, college friend and the witty mastermind behind drunkinarowboat.
Caroline: SHE IS AMAZING
me: i am drooling all over myself
and weeping openly
Caroline: like she should be a movie star
me: i am a mess
Caroline: ive BAWLED LIKE FIFTEEN TIMES
me: her hair looks beautiful
Caroline: I KNOW
love the green
her in that orange dress and bow at age four???
me: oh my god i fell apart
Professional analysis for sure. CNN, yes, I will work for you. All you have to do is ask. Oh and the part with the girls? Perfect. I want the Obamas in the White House. Right. Now.
Once we got into the Denver airport (which is GIGANTIC), it was about 1:30 in the morning. Of course, there were no taxis or shuttles in sight. After calling two cabs and two shuttles, one cab eventually showed up and we finally got to the hotel around 4 a.m. (6 a.m. my time) Damnnnn.
I’m tired, but I’m fired up and ready to go. I will be just like Anderson Cooper (sigh) and let you know everything that goes on. I brought my camera, but not my camera cord, so pictures will be posted on Friday or Saturday. And I will be stalking George Clooney and all other celebrities like it’s my job. (UPDATE: I might be seeing Ben Affleck tonight!)
You know you love me. I love you back.
– Your SWTCTW DNC Correspondent