Tag Archives: chuck norris

changing the game of clue: whodunnit?!

Due to my post-college depression, I don’t like change. Except when it comes with a healthy dose of hope and a large helping of Barack Obama. Haha. But you know what I mean. I feel myself especially threatened emotionally when staples from my younger years are changed. When I learned that Hasbro is totally changing the game of Clue, I immediately found myself drowning my sorrows in a box of Cheez-Its while whining “I’m so olddddddd” to my poor dog. I not crazy, I swear.

Clue is very near and dear to my heart! It was one of the few board games that I could actually win as a child. Monopoly taught me at a young age that I was miserable at math and business, but Clue, ah Clue– Clue made me feel as if I could one day work for the C.I.A. I was just THAT GOOD at finding out who killed Mr. Boddy in what room with what weapon.

According to the AP, the new Clue is updated to fit in with “tabloid culture”. I love me some tabloids, but geeez louise, keep it out of my board games.

The six characters’ last names remain the same, but their first names and bios have been updated. For example, Miss Scarlet is now Kasandra Scarlet, a famous actress often featured in tabloids. And Mr. Green is now Jacob Green, an African-American “with all the ins.”

HAHA oh man. “With all the ins”. What does that possibly mean? Hmmm. I wonder if he makes his final accusations in ebonics? One of my favorites, Colonel Mustard is now Jack Mustard, an ex-football player. Professor Plum is now a video game designer. I’m not making that up. How are we supposed to feel smart playing this game if our characters have gotten dumber?! And here is the greatest part of all, each character now has a special power to help them solve clues. LIke superhero powers? WHAT ABOUT MY SHARP AND NIMBLE MIND?! Ahh this is too much to handle. But wait, there’s more. No more revolver, lead pipe or wrench–instead we have a dumbbell, trophy or poison. Poison? Ehh, alright. Giving us Chuck Norris’ right leg would have been more practical than a dumbbell. Now there’s a weapon.

Clue has even gotten nouveau riche on us. There’s now a spa, theater and a guest house. Mr. Boddy’s classy, beautiful mansion wasn’t good enough. They made it a McMansion!

They are taking the original Clue off the shelves this fall. Go get it now, or forever be burdened with this travesty.

RIP Colonel Mustard. You will be missed. Here he is, in all his glory.

Rawr.

I can think of only one positive thing to say about this whole ordeal. Perhaps with this new version Miss Scarlett will finally be the slootbag we all knew she was/wanted her to be. Perhaps.

[Posted by Kathleen]

9 Comments

Filed under news, pop culture, post-college depression, random, RIP

toby keith and political custody hearings.

Just when I start to feel down about politics, something like this comes along to brighten my day. Super patriotic American country music hero Toby Keith is a Democrat. WHAT?! (But I thought us Democrats hated America?) We’ve got Toby! We’ve got Toby Keith! And he likes Obama! YES! His voice of truthiness rings out like the Liberty Bell before it was cracked. And it is sweet music to my ears. Seriously, this is the first time I’ve appreciated country music since those crazy liberal ladies, the Dixie Chicks. Rawr.

Where I lived, it seemed as if Toby’s post 9/11 hit, “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)” and “Drops of Jupiter” by Train were the only two songs the radio station owned. And that’s saying something about this song.

If you should choose to ignore all of the hard work that comes with posting a video in the blog and don’t watch it (what I’m saying here is that you SHOULD watch it), here are lyrics from the song that I find particularly humorous:

Now this nation that I love
Has fallen under attack
A sucker punch came flyin’
From somewhere in the back
As soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man we lit up your world
Like the fourth of July.

And Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist
And the Eagle will fly, and it’s gonna to be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell
And it’ll feel like the whole wide world’s raining down on you.
Brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue.

Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The US of A
Cuz we’ll put a boot in your ass
It’s the American way

This masterpiece comes from a Democrat. A DEMOCRAT. The Democrats are taking back the country! And country music. Heyyyyyyo!

I joke about “taking back” country music, but in all honesty this brings up something I’ve wanted to talk about for a long time. I cannot stand how certain things, both political and non-political, “belong” to one party or the other. Yes, this next exercise involves some serious stereotyping–but don’t get your bright white political panties in a twist–I’m only making a point. Here are just some things that come to mind:

Republicans: Supporting the troops, pearls, freedom (not to be confused with freedom of expression), tax breaks, Chuck Norris (you can keep him), old people’s votes, Texas, big business and businessmen, oil, quoting the Bible, NASCAR, country clubs, veterans, money, pastel colors, business school, Joe Lieberman (apparently), country music, football, big trucks and other large gas guzzling vehicles.

Democrats: The environment, vegetarians (especially the vegans), DMB (RIP Leroi Moore), health care, females, the West Wing, getting out of Iraq, herbal tea, Apple computers, pointing out the bad economy, earth tones, liberal arts colleges, labor unions, Massachusetts, minorities of any kind (we love you), Hollywood, hope, the Toyota Prius, education, rhymes with smasmorshion, taking care of old people, MTV’s Rock the Vote, Al Gore.

We haven’t painted ourselves red, white and blue like Toby Keith wants us too–we’ve painted each other into separate corners. Seriously, when did these political custody hearings occur? I like pearls! And support the troops!

It’s a shame that being active in an environmental group flags you as a Democrat, or having a yellow “Support the Troops” ribbon sticker on your car makes you a Republican. Because, obviously, we all should care about both. We should care about everything in our great nation. Even NASCAR.

One last thing to add to the Democratic score board: blogging. Count it! And you best not disagree with me there. Because I’ll put a boot in your ass. It’s the American way! Thanks for the rhetoric, Toby!

[Posted by Kathleen]

4 Comments

Filed under music, news, politics, pop culture, random, YouTube

hillary put baby in a corner.

So I’m clearly bored at work an have been stalking Wonkette even more intensely than usual. In the comments of one of the posts (yeah, maybe I read all the comments. I also read magazines cover to cover, and maybe take pills for that), I found a GENIUS website: www.hillaryismomjeans.com.

Now, I’m not one of those people who hates Hillary Clinton. In fact, I think she’s pretty great. But this shit is hilarious. (Think of Chuck Norris jokes, but in reverse.) Feel free to substitute “Mallory” for “Hillary” if that makes you feel better. Here are some of my favorites:

Hillary gave Jessie the caffeine pills.

Hillary ate all the bugles.

Hillary likes glitter.

Hillary wants less cowbell.

Hillary sings the FreeCreditReport.com jingle.

Hillary yells “Freebird” at your concert.

 

Okay sorry it was hard to stop. But here’s the best one:

HILLARY WRITES EVERYTHING IN COMIC SANS.

(Walsh, I cannot wait until you see that.)

 

[Posted by Mallory]

3 Comments

Filed under politics, random