Category Archives: humor

you like my new fake bag?

louis-vuitton-neverfull

Every time I see a Louis Vuitton bag I just assume that it’s fake and you bought it on the street for 40 bucks.  I can’t tell if you paid the full price for it, and I don’t care.  Americans LOVE buying the fake stuff.  I bought a fake Longchamp bag in Turkey for 12 bucks.  (Because it was fake, I pronounced it Long Champ…like it SHOULD be pronounced.  Silly French.)  Anyway, whenever people would compliment my bag, I’d automatically tell them it was a fake.  I mean, why should I pretend like it was real?  That is my pet peeve about counterfeit items–when people act like they’re real.

My pet peeve is one of the reasons I have great admiration for a new shopping center in China.  This shopping center is all about counterfeit items and is totally unapologetic.  They proudly and purposefully spell things differently so as to avoid legal trouble, and it is HILARIOUS.  God love ’em.  For example, you can eat a pizza at a Pizza Huh.  Huh?   I mean, what?  No, not a Pizza Hut, a Pizza Huh.  Regardless, I’m sure you still have the shits “stomach issues” for hours post-gorge.  After your delicious fake pizza, you can enjoy a fake coffee at Bucksstar and buy a “Naik” sweatshirt.  Just do it!  No but seriously, would you do it?  For pictures and a legitimate news story, click here.

Are the Chinese on to something?  Is the answer to consumerism, or is it perpetuating it?  Whoa deep thoughts.  I need something mindless…maybe I’ll catch up on some GG.  You know you love me.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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but you’ll shoot your eye out!

a_christmas_story

Yes, it is Christmas eve and I am blogging. What of it?  But I have to share this with the world.  In case you didn’t know, the best movie EVER is on the teevee for a solid 24 hours straight.  Twenty-four hours of “A Christmas Story”?  YES PUHLEASE!  I’ll watch it inbetween meals.  So turn on TBS.  This movie makes me laugh so hard I cry.  The scene with the leg lamp?  PRICELESS!

Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

Also, in case you wanted to keep tabs on the big guy in red, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, has a Santa tracker going.  As of right now, he’s in between the South Pole and South America.  He best be getting to the US of A tonight!  Specifically, my house.

http://www.noradsanta.org/

Merry Christmas!  I hope Santa is good to you!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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my confidence boosting present to you.

1217081mugyear5

Besides the holiday cheer and all that jazz, one of the things I adore the most about this time of year is the end of year wrap-ups.  It’s true.  I would watch the E! Channel’s “Top 20 Celebrity Haircuts with Bangs of 2008” if it was on.  Really, I would.  But this is far more interesting than celebrity hair cuts with bangs, I hope.  Here is the link to the top 20 mugshots of 2008.  I’ve posted one of my favorites.  Doesn’t it just make you feel better about yourself?  Happy Holidays!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/1217081mugyear1.html

Oh, and by the way…YAY SPIDERS FOOTBALL!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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baby it’s cold outside. no, seriously.

Today is one of those days where it’s just too cold to be out in public. I was not dressed for the weather and nearly froze to death when I stepped outside to walk home, and that made the decision for me that I will not be going out tonight. I think.

See, the problem is that I don’t really have anything to do if I stay home. My roommate isn’t here and I’m not all that into the book I’m reading and I’m one of those people who gets bored really, really quickly. And when I’m left alone and bored for too many hours, I start to get all emo and watch weird depressing music videos on iTunes and email my best friend asking her if she’ll marry me if I’m still alone at 30. Which is all well and good, except too much emo music makes me go a little nuts and I don’t particularly want to marry a girl. 

Spending time in the real world tends to cure my emo-ness, and thank goodness I was forced out into that real world to work today. (I know! I worked! Like a real grownup!) For a large chunk of the day, I was uploading things to my program’s website, and I got this weird sense of power. Like, I could RUIN LIVES by posting embarrassing things. And then I remembered that I already have my own website, and that I tend to prefer embarrassing myself. 

Besides getting out of your own head or maybe reading about people who have actual problems, this video is a pretty good cure for being a hot emo mess:

I’m sorry, I know. But that video is hilarious. I’m a little bit in love with Andy Samberg:

He wears nerdy glasses, too!

 

Hmm. In my situation, Andy Samberg would probably go out. 

[Posted by Mallory]

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ny’s governor paterson, snl’s latest buffoon?

This past weekend, SNL’s Weekend Update featured an interview with New York Governor David Paterson during which, Fred Armisen portrayed the legally blind head of state in a less than flattering manner.  I know, that’s hard to imagine for SNL.  Usually, they’re so kind to the politicians whose every character flaw they mercilessly thrust into the spotlight.  Two days later, Paterson’s office is none too happy about the skit which referred to the governor’s blindness in a mocking tone throughout the skit (again, SNL?  mocking?  really!?).

According to the New York Times, “Gov. David A. Paterson’s office criticized a skit on this weekend’s “Saturday Night Live” in which Mr. Paterson, who is legally blind, was portrayed as disoriented and buffoonlike.”  Hold on . . . “disoriented and buffoonlike” . . . I think they’ve done that before . . .

Before we proceed any further, internets, there’s something you should know.  Like Governor Paterson, I am legally blind.  Unlike Governor Paterson, I am only legally blind in one eye and can see almost perfectly out of the other with the help of some very expensive corrective lenses.  Yes, okay, his disability is far more severe and maybe it was a lot harder for him to go to school and maybe unfair accomodations for the visually impaired made him fail the bar exam BUT if I close my right eye I can only see large objects and colors–just like David Paterson.  AND I’ve been wearing glasses since I was four and one half years old and you know what?  Pre-schoolers are MEAN.  So are kindergarteners.  And first graders.  And you know what the only thing is that mean 4-7 year olds love more than a peer in glasses?  A peer with an EYE PATCH.  That’s right, folks.  I was forced to wear an eye patch.  Everyday.  To school.  And maybe three years of humiliation is better than a lifetime with a lazy eye but it STILL SUCKED.  Not only did it make me look silly but it made me walk into things and fall a lot and develop a life-long fear of “the ball.”  Softball, football, kooshball–I don’t care what it is PLEASE DON’T THROW IT IN MY DIRECTION.

Anyway, back to Governor Paterson.  He’s pretty blind and SNL made some jokes about this.  Now, the dude’s office is fahhhh–reaking out.  Which is strange on a few levels.  The first being that the governor is a pretty funny guy and is known for making jokes about his vision problems (I believe that’s called a coping mechanism).  The second being that if you watch the skit (and I’ve kindly allowed you to do so below) you may notice that the jokes are more about Governor Paterson’s cocaine use and hatred of New Jersey than his blindness.  Including my favorite moment when Seth Meyers asks the Governor what he has against NJ and he replies “unfortunately, a southern border.”  That’s funny.  And so are most of the other jokes where SNL pokes fun at Paterson’s inexperience and scandal-ridden career.  Yes, Fred Armisen does squint his right eye and let his left eye wander and yes, he does hold up the graph of unemployment rates upside down.  Will Ferrell does the same thing when he portrays President Bush.   For goodness sake–it’s satire, it’s overdone, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

I think that the bigger problem here is that as the nation’s first legally blind governor, Paterson represents a group of individuals who are affected daily by prejudice and discrimination.  At an event in New York City Sunday night Paterson spoke on the issue without directly addressing the SNL skit saying,

“I run the place that I work in so I don’t have to worry about being discriminated against, I think,” he said. “But the point is that a lot of people who don’t get promotions and don’t get opportunities and don’t even get work are disabled in our society.” 

 That’s very true and I don’t mean to be insensitive but those people aren’t limited to the visually or physically impaired.  There are gays, blacks, latinos, women, etc. who are in the same position . . . and SNL makes fun of all of them.  But, oddly enough, it’s done lovingly and it often progresses the national dialogue.  That being said, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cringe once or twice when watching this skit and I don’t think SNL should be protected by a “but they make fun of everyone” clause.   I understand Governor Paterson’s frustrations (believe me), but at the end of the day he’s just another politician to be ridiculed on SNL.  Ultimately, he wasn’t picked on because he was blind but because he wasn’t supposed to become the governor, because he used to do cocaine and cheat on his wife, because he hates New Jersey, because he’s there.  Maybe years of being called “four eyes” and “Captain Hook” (which didn’t even make sense, I know) have made me impervious to vision-related taunts and I’m not being sensitive enough.  So please, watch and decide for yourself.  Is this more offensive than I’m giving it credit for?

Vodpod videos no longer available.[posted by Madeline]

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where carrie bradshaw learned her stuff.

All the way back in 1986, Newsweek magazine, in an article titled “Too Late for Prince Charming?” reported on a study that said single women over the age of 40 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than get married.  This video is the response to that statistic:

There are so many pieces of wonderfully terrible advice in this video that I really just have to let the video speak for itself (although, a small stuffed animal? Really?!).  Even if you think you have gained enough information to make your head explode halfway through, please make sure to watch the video through to the end; the last piece of advice is undoubtedly the best.

[Posted by Madeline]

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peace is not a side dish.

Here’s the thing. I feel like I am drunk, but really, I have just been writing papers for too many hours and days and days and hours. I got so wacky that I almost wrote “peace is not a side dish” in my paper before realizing that it was not even a remotely academic thing to say. Now I’m done writing for tonight, but I have to wait for my friend Jill because I don’t want to walk home alone in the cold. 

So how about I tell you some random shit?

First, this is a weird video that Kathleen nerded over from South America:

I find it both cute and really, really sad. I hate when the hamster is left on his back like that! 

Junior year of college, my friends Katie and Annie got two gerbils, and named them Stella and Jager. We played fun games like Blackout Gerbil Out and Gerbilvision, but that got old after like two weeks. Now Katie’s little sister takes care of the herby gerbs.

Speaking of animals, did you hear about the woman who “hid a sedated monkey under her blouse on a flight from Thailand“? This crazy lady, whose name is obviously Gypsy, tried to hide the monkey under a loose-fitting blouse, and now she’s in big trouble for smuggling. Apparently it just looked like she was pregnant. I mean, I wear a lot of loose-fitting blouses, but usually it’s to hide a belly full of Smartfood and breakfast sandwiches, not a monkey.

Speaking of monkeys, I LOVE Pandora. Like a lot. It is so great. Another thing that I love is video chat. I love that video chat turns quasi-adults into four-year-olds making funny faces in the mirror. It’s hysterical. My friend Jill and I video-chatted our friend Tamar today, and we essentially spent the whole time seeing who could make the ugliest face. Mature? No. Entertaining? YES. 

Aaand continuing with the stream-of-consciousness, have you guys tried the fancy new things on Gmail? There are SO many cool new things, which I obviously spent way too long playing with today. You can make task lists on your Gmail (hellooo, Type A); take “breaks” where your Gmail basically forces you to not be glued to your computer for 15 minutes (hellooo, lack of self control); and you can customize your label colors (hellooo, NERD). The best one, though, is the attachment reminder. If you write in your email that you are attaching something and then you forget to attach it, Gmail will REMIND YOU TO ATTACH IT. 

This is all awesome, but it also freaks me out a little. I mean, Gmail has been around for a few years and it is already basically thinking for us. I can’t even fathom what they’ll come up with next. If it’s a feature that blow dries my hair and makes me breakfast while I check my morning email, though, I’ll be okay with it.

Final Bonus Confession: I get both Economist updates and Self Fit Move of the Week updates emailed to me, and I always delete them before I even open them. But I won’t unsubscribe, because that would prove that I’m un-intellectual and lazy. Logical, right?

[Posted by Mallory]

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prop 8, the celebrity filled musical.

While the California State Supreme Court waits to hear three separate lawsuits challenging Prop 8 several celebrities have come together with “Funny or Die” to create “Prop 8, The Musical.” Starring John C. Reilly, Maya Rudolph/Kathleen, Allison Janney, Jack Black as Jesus and many more (does anybody else see Darryl from ‘The Office’ in the ensemble?) PLUS a special appearance by Neil Patrick Harris, the musical, while entertaining, argues that gay marriage is good for the economy. And, you know, civil rights (potato, potahto).

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[Posted by Madeline]

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five foods to change the world.

I’ve been on campus for an hour, and haven’t done any work yet. Why, you ask? Because of the Top Five Favorite Foods Game. I’m not sure if I have talked about this game on the blog yet, but today I played with my “bosses.” The rules vary from game to game, but for the purposes of this game, categories (i.e. Mexican food) and drinks were forbidden. So here’s a peek into my life (or just my Gmail):

Subject: i want to play!
————————    

From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:36 AM
To: Mallory, Go


Are these foods discretionary?  i.e. Are all of my nutritional needs already met?  If so, then my list is as follows:

5. Broccoli is tied with Soy Sauce
4. Macaroni and Cheese
3. Garlic
2. Bacon
1. Krispy Kreme donuts

———-
From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:38 AM
To: Mallory, Go


Crap.  I forgot coffee, beer, and mayonnaise. 

———-
From: Mallory 
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:38 AM
To: Jen, Go


Yes, totally discretionary. There is a different game about which foods you would eat if you could only eat five for the rest of your life. Go and I think you cheated because you can’t have a tie. Other than that, good choices. 

———-
From: Go
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:40 AM
To: Mallory, Jen


HAHAHAHAHAHA, broccoli and soy sauce?!?  Ok, just to update you, these are Mallory and my top five favorite foods as of this morning:

Mallory
#5 Stuffing
#4 Goat cheese
#3 Pizza
#2 Salsa
#1 Breakfast sandwiches (e.g., sausage, egg and cheese on toast, bagel or English muffin)

Go 
#5 Chicken wings
#4 Thanksgiving turkey
#3 Choco chip coffee ice cream
#2 Steak
#1 Sushi

———-
From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:49 AM
To: Go, Mallory

Go,    

You are so predictable.  I expected more.  Sushi, steak, and ice cream???

———-
From: Go
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 10:58 AM
To: Jen, Mallory


Predictable?!?   PREDICTABLE?!?  At least I listed REAL foods!  Broccoli?  Soy sauce?  Garlic?  These aren’t even side dishes!  BLAH!

———-
From: Jen
Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 11:02 AM
To: Go, Mallory

Fine, I’ll remove soy sauce and garlic.  But broccoli stays.  And I get unlimited beer and coffee.    

5. Broccoli
4. Pot stickers
3. Mac and Cheese
2. Bacon
1. Krispy Kreme Donuts

Perhaps this is why I’m still not done with my paper.

[Posted by Mallory]

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obama can’t get through to republicans.

Literally.  They will not take his calls.  Okay, it’s just the one.  Republican Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen hung up on Obama not once . . . but twice yesterday, assuming that it was a prank call. 

Hold the phones (ha).  This woman is the ranking Republican member of the House Foreign Affairs committee, not to mention, um, a congresswoman.  Isn’t it part of her job description to take important phone calls?  But wait . . . there’s more!  Here is an exerpt from the official press release from the office of the congresswoman:

“Cong. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen thought it was a hoax when President-Elect Barak (sic) Obama called her twice today and she proceeded to hang up on him, twice.”

Really?!  I mean, REALLY?!  So, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel called the Congresswoman to tell her that she had hung up on the President Elect.  Ros-Lehtinen then hung up on him and spelled his name wrong in the press release as well (not to be accused of playing favorites):

“A short time later, Cong. and Chief of Staff designate Rahm Emmanuel (sic) called Ileana and stated ‘Ileana, I cannot believe that you hung up on the President-Elect.’ Ros-Lehtinen told Rahm that she didn’t believe the call was legitimate and hung up on Emmanuel (sic).”

Obama and Ros-Lehtinen were finally able to have a chat about Cuba and Israel (thank goodness he wasn’t calling about anything important . . . ) after Chairman Howard Berman of the Foreign Affairs Committee called the Congresswoman, proved his identity over the phone by sharing a story only the two would know (creepy . . .), and broke the news that she had indeed hung up on the President-Elect.  Twice. 

Once, I accidentally sent an e-mail to the president of my university which accidentally said that I loved him.  That was pretty embarassing but I think hanging up on the President-Elect of the United States twice in one day would be worse.  When Barack calls me and offers me a job (any day now . . . ) I will be sure not to make the same mistake. 

[Posted by Madeline]

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