Category Archives: sex

oh hi, it’s me. i blog?

I’m back.  I’ve come back from an unsuccessful foray into the real world (read:  no place to live or a job…but I might have found a place to live.  But still no job.  That should be interesting.  That’s another post.) and I’m back to the la la land of blogging where I can do what I love and pretend I’m getting paid!  (Barack, could we speed up that fixing the economy business?  I know it’s not going to happen overnight…but I need it to get better so people want to hire me.)

So. Much. To. Talk. About.  So we have a new president.  AWESOME. (If you don’t want to read one more freaking word about inauguration then just skip to the next paragraph.) Yours truly was there in the throws of things.  I got to spend some quality time with Jessica Alba and her husband, Cash Warren.  Cash, by the way, was much nicer than she was and not nearly as much of a jerk as Perez Hilton makes him out to be.  If I had taken a picture with Jessica, I would have posted it, but I was trying to keep my cool and pretend like I didn’t care that she was a celebrity.  Maybe it worked but it was a HUGE mistake on my part, because now I have no actual evidence.  Whatev.  Barack’s speech was perfect.  It was HOPEy, CHANGEy, alluded to our new style of diplomacy, and presented a strong national image and showed he was not going to mess around.  RAWR.  I made it to a couple balls, but never got to see B and Meesh dance.  Wahhh.  We arrived just as Biden did, so they wouldn’t let us in.  They were going to let us in between Joe and Barack, but guess what.  They didn’t.  I stood in the cold for forty minutes waiting.  You know what made it better though?  Walking in and James Taylor was playing.  Niiiiiiiiiice.  Okay, that’s all I’m going to say about the great inaug.  Nope it’s not.  I would wear everything Michelle Obama wears.  Foxy.  Hell, I’d wear Sasha and Malia’s clothes too.  Too cute.  ENOUGH! ENOUGH.

Barack is going to sign the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act today.  It will now be law that women deserve the same pay as men.  I cannot believe it took this long.  If you want to read the stories that prove we need this legislation, read this NYT op-ed.  Hooray!

In other great news, PETA is still batty.  I meant to blog about them wanting to change the word “fish” to “sea kittens” but I didn’t.  So get over it.  Hopefully, you know about that anyway.  If you don’t, here’s the deal.  Fish have feelings, etc.  So when you eat fish, they want you to feel bad about it.  Like REALLY REALLY bad.  They think the best way to do this is to change the name of fish to sea kittens.  I am not making that up.  But that’s not even what I am talking about.  PETA has a vegetable sex ad that got denied for a Superbowl slot.  Vegetable sex.  Yeah, I said it and yeah, I know you pervs want to watch it:

Wowie.  Thank you, PETA, for grossing me out AND making me feel bad about myself at the same time.  And I’d like to see their sources for their information.  How do they KNOW that vegetarians have better sex?

Okay, I’m off to stalk le internets and find more goodness for you to enjoy while you work.  And I do not work.  Really, this is community service.  Right, Mom and Dad?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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natalie dylan will be a millionaire.

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In September, I wrote about that chick Natalie Dylan, who is auctioning off her virginity “to pay for school”.  Suuuuure.  While I still think she’s cheating herself, she is going to walk away with AT LEAST $3.7 MILLION.  Damn, girl.  Over 10,000 men have bid on her.  Now that sounds like a confidence booster.

She says the original idea came from her sister, who worked as a prostitute for three weeks and paid for school.  What is with these girls and not paying for school the way everyone else does?!  Anyway, Natalie is confident in her decision.

“I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal.”

Well, Natalie, you’ll get your millions.  But I’m not so sure how he’ll profit from this.  I mean, he’ll forever be known as the guy who had to drop a few mil for sex.  Gross.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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from macho men to femme: mantyhose.

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MSNBC just did a piece on “mantyhose”, or pantyhose for men.  Now I’ve got absolutely no qualms about men wearing pantyhose, I just can’t for the life of me understand why they would want to.  They’re itchy, terribly annoying, and awkward to readjust.  Plus, they are a nuisance when you really have to pee.  But apparently, they’re good for something.  Like keeping you warm, giving you better legs (see above.  RAWR!), the control top, and making you miserable.  Come on ladies, I know I am not alone here.

I’ve never seen a man wear pantyhose.  Actually, I lied.  One Christmas way back, my aunt wrapped a gift and put the wrong tag on it.  My uncle was the proud receiver of a pair of pantyhose with snowflakes on them.  My uncle being who he is, gladly put them on and showed them off for the family.  Wow, I had blocked that memory out until now.  Oh, the horror!

Americans being the strictly socialized, prudish (thanks Puritan ancestors!) and oppressed creatures that we are, some are struggling with the gender roles.

“My wife was really uncomfortable at first — she was nervous about going out with me in public when I had them on,” said Andrews. “But then we went out and she saw that no one noticed or had any adverse reaction.”

Honestly dude, nobody is really going to notice unless you pair it with a skirt and a foxy pair of heels.

The companies that make mantyhose, like Comfilon, are doing their best to keep it manly.  But ya know… Anyway, I just LOVE the tagline from Comfilon.

“This is NOT your mother’s pantyhose.”

Haha, you think?

So add mantyhose to the list of things that belonged solely to women but are now shared with men.  Another example?  The murse, or man purse.  But here is my all time favorite:  The Brozilian.  A Brazilian wax for men.  How do you like dem apples? (The answer to that question is obviously ‘waxed’.)  I could go on and on about that, but let’s save that one for another day.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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porn industry needs some economic viagra!

Ladies and Gentleman, in case you haven’t heard, we are in a serious economic crisis.  The banks are in trouble, the auto industry is in trouble, the sky is falling, and the once throbbing porn industry is now flaccid.  Hardy har har.

All joking aside (but not really), the porn industry has gone limp.  Now, its two top bananas (good title for a porn king, right?) are going to ask the Congress for a porn pullout put out bailout of $5 billion.  I am not making this up.  FIVE. BILLION. DOLLARS.  A sort of economic viagra, if you will.

Larry Flynt, grandpoohbah of porn and free speech, and Joe Francis, the creepy life ruiner that started Girls Gone Wild, will be going to Washington to petition Congress.  How cute!  Go ahead, laugh.  (Quotes from TMZ, the most trustworthy source of news EVER.)

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: “Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation’s most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration.”

Seems to me that Francis is one of those guys that lies about size.  Size of the porn industry, you sickos.  Get your heads out of the gutter!

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt says. “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.”

Two things, Larry. Even though the economy is in shambles, people aren’t denying biology.  Secondly, and you can ask any 13 year old boy this, but it’s called the internet.  (Al Gore invented it.)  And usually, it’s free!  THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU DESERVE A BAILOUT.  What it means is that the times, they are a changin’.  You know, get hip, Larry!  Way back, I wrote a post about how people were excited for the new iPhone because it was apparently better for porn.  Gross, I know.  But the post is now the most viewed one every day.  People post links to free sites.  I am shocked and appalled that this sinning happens at our blog, but whatev.

Anyway, this porn bailout plot line is almost as ridiculous as an actual porn plot line.  Cue the cheesy music.

Does anyone else want a bailout?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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just six words and a picture.

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Tony says PETA is grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Errr…

or

Little Timmy wants a new cat.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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Filed under animals, definitely not politics, fashion, news, pop culture, random, sex, six word memoirs

behind the mystery lies a truth…

On this fine Sunday, I had the pleasure of seeing one Kathleen Shea Blogger. In fact, it was the first time we’ve been together since we began this here blog. We had brunch with our friends, chatted, had a naked pillow fight, etc. We also went to see The Reader with our friend Norah.

The Reader is the third movie I’ve seen in the past few weeks that I wasn’t originally intending to see. I saw Slumdog Millionaire because I missed Four Christmases, Seven Pounds because The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was sold out, and now The Reader because Milk was sold out. Someone’s really screwing with my movie schedule, but luckily I’ve loved each of these three movies.

I had some vague ideas of what The Reader was about, and I’d heard that it got good reviews. I’m no film buff, but I quite liked it, and I thought Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, and newcomer David Kross were all phenomenal. It’s a twisted, sad movie, but I thought it was original and thought-provoking. 

The questions of justice that the film brings up were most interesting for me. Modern law requires an assignment of guilt or innocence with no real middle ground, and this movie illustrates just how complex and contrived that requirement can be. My inability to come to terms with the whole black-and-white aspect of law is part of the reason I decided not to go to law school. I’m bad at making decisions to begin with, and even if assigned a side, I think I’d struggle to be 100% on that side. (There are exceptions, of course, and I’m oversimplifying our legal system, but you get what I mean. I hope.)

On a lighter, creepier note, I finally understood exactly what my cougar friend means when she looks at a younger guy and says she wants to give him a bath. Not that I don’t still find that statement totally creepy (you heard me, Cougar Friend), but I got a little embarrassed when I formed a huge crush on David Kross, the young Michael in this movie, and then discovered that he is only 18. Here’s the only picture I found of him where he looked as if he’d hit puberty (he’s on the left, clearly):

Yeah he still looks young. I feel dirty. But whatever, suburban moms totally have crushes on the Jonas brothers, right?

And let’s just pause and remember how fabulous Kate Winslet is, even when she’s just hanging around with her kid:

I’ve had a few strangers tell me I look like Kate Winslet, and I every time I see a picture of her or watch one of her movies I try and I try to force myself to see the likeness, and I simply don’t see it. The face is a stretch, and our bodies…well, let’s just say I don’t see it.

Here’s a preview for The Reader:

If you see it, let us know what you think!

[Posted by Mallory]

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six-pack santa, i’ve been naughty.

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The Beverly Center in LA  gives you two choices when it comes to your mall Santa.  Naughty or nice.  So you can go sit on bowl full of jelly Santa’s lap, or you can sit on six-pack Santa’s lap.  Meet Eli Wilhide, pictured above, this year’s Hunky Santa.  RAWR!  Only in California!  But I think this should be a feature at every mall.

And, just because I can, here is one of my favorite Christmas songs.  Sometimes it makes me produce tears.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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where carrie bradshaw learned her stuff.

All the way back in 1986, Newsweek magazine, in an article titled “Too Late for Prince Charming?” reported on a study that said single women over the age of 40 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than get married.  This video is the response to that statistic:

There are so many pieces of wonderfully terrible advice in this video that I really just have to let the video speak for itself (although, a small stuffed animal? Really?!).  Even if you think you have gained enough information to make your head explode halfway through, please make sure to watch the video through to the end; the last piece of advice is undoubtedly the best.

[Posted by Madeline]

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Filed under adventures, animals, ben and jerry's, crushes, definitely not politics, drinks, humor, random, sex, sports, YouTube

prop 8, the celebrity filled musical.

While the California State Supreme Court waits to hear three separate lawsuits challenging Prop 8 several celebrities have come together with “Funny or Die” to create “Prop 8, The Musical.” Starring John C. Reilly, Maya Rudolph/Kathleen, Allison Janney, Jack Black as Jesus and many more (does anybody else see Darryl from ‘The Office’ in the ensemble?) PLUS a special appearance by Neil Patrick Harris, the musical, while entertaining, argues that gay marriage is good for the economy. And, you know, civil rights (potato, potahto).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

[Posted by Madeline]

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newest boomers have obama to thank.

Oh boy. Or, girl.  This week’s Newsweek explores the possibility of an Obama Baby Boom and the opportunity for “that’s what she said” jokes alone makes the article HI-larious.  Let’s start with the lede:

The theory is almost too perfect to be true. Barack Obama the son of politically progressive parents, was born Aug. 4, 1961—almost nine months to the day after John F. Kennedy was elected to the White House. Is it possible Obama was conceived on that historic night?

Um. Ew?  I freely admit to being borderline obsessed with the President-elect and his family (What? No puppy until the Spring? Nooo!) but there are some things that I really just don’t need to know.  While Newsweek offers little (okay, nothing) in the way of statistical proof and only anecdotal evidence for the possible Obama Baby Boom, the term “Obama Baby” has already been defined by UrbanDictionary.com as “a child conceived after Obama was proclaimed President by way of celebratory sex.”  Want to hear it used in a sentence? 

“On election night, my husband had managed to down a bottle and a half of wine in celebration and he was all about making an ‘Obama election baby’,” Abbi Whitaker, 32, of Reno, Nev., told NEWSWEEK. “He thought it would be the coolest thing.”

Mr. Whitaker, I assure you that you will be the only one to consistently consider that “the coolest thing.”  I’ve had the unfortunate experience, not once but twice, to hear about the conception of close friends from the conceivers themselves.  BELIEVE ME, there is nothing cool about it, no matter how crazy (ew) the story may be.  Your friends will not think so, your child will not think so, and his or her friends REALLY will not think so. 

Speaking of things that are not cool, Eric Davis of Minneapolis told Newsweek that during one of their election night celebrations, “my wife accidentally said, ‘Oh, Obama!'”  Awkward . . . Feel free to put post-election euphoria to good use and get busy but it’s still important to say the right name. 

Is the Obama Baby Boom a real phenomenon?  Although demographic experts and physicians expect “a healthy increase” in births we won’t know for sure for another nine months. 

[Posted by Madeline]

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