The guy next to me at the gym was eating a muffin while he rode the stationary bike. Can’t let those calories escape without a fight! And speaking of muffins, I once read on another blog that muffins are for people who don’t have the balls to eat cake for breakfast. I like that.
[Posted by Mallory]
Watch this (video is blurry for the first couple of seconds):
”He grabbed it in his mouth, just like Pacman,” Biada said. ”He just ate it right there.”
That’s the best line from the news story that goes with it.
This guy has seen a lot of spy movies.
There’s not much left to say after that. Haha.
[Posted by Kathleen]
I should have posted this last week, but Thanksgiving kind of got in the way. I present to you the Christian Side Hug rap. This is not a joke. I promise.
I personally have huge problems with side hugs. They seem so insincere. So if you hug me, make it a full frontal. How naughty!
[Posted by Kathleen]
[Posted by Mallory]
Filed under animals, celebrities, definitely not politics, humor
VS.
The following video brings together two of my favorite things: John Oliver and ripping apart Sarah Palin. For more Palin-bashing fun, please refer to Kathleen and Mallory’s thoughts on the subject.
Excitement Over Sarah Palin’s Book Release
Enjoy.
Well, just one more.
[Posted by Shannon]
Filed under celebrities, humor, news, politics, TV, Uncategorized, YouTube
I haven’t the faintest idea what stanky legs are, but I do know that this baby can dance:
Perhaps the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. And yes, Daily Julie, this baby has infinitely better moves than me, too.
[Posted by Mallory]
Happy Friday, readership!
Oh, hello. Me again. Since the real job is getting in the way of my bloggy job, I’ve condensed a week’s worth of what I liked into one fabulous Friday post. Does that work for you? I sure hope so!
You all know how much I love stories about sci-fi weirdos (apparently the cool way to spell it now is SyFy. Anybody else notice that the Sci-Fi Channel changed its spelling?). Well, here’s a good one! Computational linguistics expert d’Armond Speers spoke only Klingon to his son for the first three years of the boy’s life. Ummm, WHAT? He claims it was an experiment to see if his son would learn it like any normal human language in the early developmental stages.
He just confirmed what every child already knows– you are an experiment, and your parents are trying to corrupt you and make you as uncool as possible.
Here is the best quote from the article:
As for Speers, who still gets nostalgic when he recalls singing the Klingon lullaby “May the Empire Endure” with his son at bedtime, the experiment was a dud. His son is now in high school and doesn’t speak a word of Klingon.
Stay strong, young Speers!
Like any good yuppie bleeding-heart liberal, I have an iPhone. We all know that there is an app for everything, but this new one is so hilarious and wonderful that I have to share it with you. It’s totally politically nerdy, but it’s a bobble head guide to every single member of Congress. Here is my favorite member of Congress:
Best 99 cents I’ve ever spent. Download Bobble Rep.
Speaking of politics, lots of good stuff going on, eh? Lieberman sucks more than ever and the women’s movement took two steps back no thanks to Rep. Stupak.
I also remain perplexed as to how people can manipulate the messages of Christianity in light of healthcare reform. To me, it seems that giving a little extra so our brothers and sisters will be able to be healthy and able to succeed in life is following that message. Yet even the Christian right wing (like my girrrrrrl, Michele Bachman) has condemned it as communism, fascism, Marxism and any other ism you can imagine that probably doesn’t make sense. Grrr.
Hey, speaking of Christianity– I know people are complaining about how early it’s coming, but sweet Jesus I love Christmastime. And I love the new Gap ads! Add being a Gap backup dancer to my bucketlist, right after being a Fanta Girl and a dancing iPod shadow.
Sigh.
In other news, Oprah is ending her show in 2011. I’m not too upset about this. She’s going to have her own TV station in 2011, and she’ll have 25 years of her show in syndication so I really don’t see the big deal. They’ll still be enough of O’s wisdom to go around.
Oh, and just in time for a junky fastfood lunch:
But you know where you should really go? Chipotle.
Okay, I think that’s it for now. Miss me, because I miss you.
[Posted by Kathleen]
Happy Halloween, fuckfaces:
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!
[Posted by Mallory]
Our dear friend — let’s call her Corporate Barbie — had the most ridonk, legit Anne-Hathaway-in-The-Devil-Wears-Prada job ever. She survived a year and got promoted, and luckily her sense of humor emerged unscathed. Because this here blog is the quickest way to fame — of any kind, really — she penned this little number and asked that we share it with the masses. And I DO mean masses (hi masses! thanks for reading!). As Corporate Barbie explained, “I thought you might enjoy a piece I wrote earlier today. It is inspired by my life”:
Earlier today I mentioned to some friends that we should go to the movies tonight. I was under the influence of a “Mid-Friday Crisis” (MFC). Allow me to elaborate.
The MFC typically occurs between 11am and 1pm on Fridays after a Thursday night out, although it can happen at anytime. You know you are having an MFC when you look at your clock and think to your self, “Crap, I have to start being more responsible. It’s only 10:59 and I can’t order lunch yet because I just ate an egg sandwich. The day is not even close to over and I have so much to do that I inevitably will not accomplish.”
Once this thought enters your head, ideas such as “staying in on Thursdays” and “going to the movies on Fridays” immediately follow. And you are actually able to think they are good ideas.
Then you order a grilled cheese/chicken parm sandwich, someone mentions a cover band and the clock turns 2:45. The end of the day is in sight. The Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” becomes the theme song to the soundtrack of your life and you can already taste the bad decisions and terrible dance moves you will be pairing with Yuengling and whiskey tonight.
It is safe to say that our resilience when faced with an MFC is the direct cause to why we are such messes.
I wish you all fun Fridays. I’ll be at the Whiskey Bar in Hoboken if any of you care to join!
[Posted by Mallory, but written by Corporate Barbie. (Maybe you think Corporate Barbie is meant to be offensive. It’s not, don’t worry. Corporate Barbie just has a tendency to look exactly like a Barbie in photos.)]
Filed under adventures, drinks, food, humor, pop culture, post-college depression
Happy almost Halloween everyone! I’m enjoying Halloween more and more every year as I get older. I love the creative costumes and the ghoulish goodies.
This year is a bonus because we actually have plans ahead of time…quite out of the ordinary. Pictures to follow on November 1st.
Arguably, my favorite Halloween tradition is carving pumpkins, but I must admit that my own personal pumpkins rarely extend past triangle eyes, a triangle nose and triangle fangs.
Here are some of my favorite, slightly more impressive, carved pumpkins.
Dwight Schrute
Cannibal pumpkin
Wall-E and Eve
Hungover Pumpkins
Have a great Halloween!
[Posted by Shannon]
Filed under humor, pictures, pop culture, random
six words to change the world. 
