Category Archives: news

porn industry needs some economic viagra!

Ladies and Gentleman, in case you haven’t heard, we are in a serious economic crisis.  The banks are in trouble, the auto industry is in trouble, the sky is falling, and the once throbbing porn industry is now flaccid.  Hardy har har.

All joking aside (but not really), the porn industry has gone limp.  Now, its two top bananas (good title for a porn king, right?) are going to ask the Congress for a porn pullout put out bailout of $5 billion.  I am not making this up.  FIVE. BILLION. DOLLARS.  A sort of economic viagra, if you will.

Larry Flynt, grandpoohbah of porn and free speech, and Joe Francis, the creepy life ruiner that started Girls Gone Wild, will be going to Washington to petition Congress.  How cute!  Go ahead, laugh.  (Quotes from TMZ, the most trustworthy source of news EVER.)

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: “Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation’s most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration.”

Seems to me that Francis is one of those guys that lies about size.  Size of the porn industry, you sickos.  Get your heads out of the gutter!

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt says. “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.”

Two things, Larry. Even though the economy is in shambles, people aren’t denying biology.  Secondly, and you can ask any 13 year old boy this, but it’s called the internet.  (Al Gore invented it.)  And usually, it’s free!  THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU DESERVE A BAILOUT.  What it means is that the times, they are a changin’.  You know, get hip, Larry!  Way back, I wrote a post about how people were excited for the new iPhone because it was apparently better for porn.  Gross, I know.  But the post is now the most viewed one every day.  People post links to free sites.  I am shocked and appalled that this sinning happens at our blog, but whatev.

Anyway, this porn bailout plot line is almost as ridiculous as an actual porn plot line.  Cue the cheesy music.

Does anyone else want a bailout?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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the weirdest thing i’ve ever read.

Here at SWTCTW, we do our best to find the news– whether it be the most ridiculous, the quirkiest, the funniest, or just the plain old news, we’ll write about it.  And goodness gracious do I have a story for you.  Hands down, this is the MOST bizarre thing I’ve read on the internet.  And you all know I stalk the hell out of the internet just for funsies, so I’ve seen a LOT.  This story might make you taste the last thing you ate on its way up, so be warned.

Texas Death Row Inmate Pulls Out Eye, Eats it

I can’t even think of something snarky to say!  But I do have to ask, even with mental illness, what makes you look at your eyeball and think “that’s going to taste good!”?

Oh, sidenote.  While Google Imaging pictures of eyeballs, I came across a piece about eyeball tattoos.  Christ on a bicycle!  That’s disgusting!  But read it, you know you have a sick curiousity… and then store it away in your interesting-things-to-talk about-at-cocktail-parties file.  Or not.  Your choice.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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when our work’s done for us.

Um,

Joe the Plumber becomes war reporter.”

That is funniest six-word headline I’ve seen all year! Because it is a joke! Right? Right? RIGHT?!

Ha ha ha ha no. It’s not a joke. Our economy has tanked, a hockey mom who doesn’t know a predicate from a condom was selected as a vice presidential candidate, and Joe the Plumber is going to Israel to be a war correspondent. 

According to Wonkette and the Australian newspaper that penned that knee-slapper of a six-word headline, Joe the Plumber is headed to Israel on the behalf of Pajamas Media to report on the recent outbreak of conflict in the Gaza Strip:

Wurzelbacher said he was going to let “Average Joes” share their stories and get the real story of what is happening.

“It’s tragic, I mean it really is,” Wurzelbacher told Ohio television station WNWO.

“I don’t say that in any little way. It’s very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do?” 

Wurzelbacher said he was not concerned about heading into a warzone for a 10 days. 

“Being a Christian I’m pretty well protected by God I believe. That’s not saying he’s going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance,” he told WNWO.

And then, as if he has been taking public speaking lessons from Sarah Palin herself, he continues:

“If given the opportunity to do some good however minute it may be, or could be something really good, you gotta take that chance. You have to do it,” Wurzelbacher said of his new job.

Excuse me while I go put on my nightgown

[Posted by Mallory]

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bennifer have nameless but beautiful child.

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Jennifer Garner popped out baby numero dos yesterday– a baby girl.  Little Violet is a big sister! Awwwww.  I wish that I could tell you the name of the no doubt bound to be gorgeous spawn of Jen and Ben (RAWR!), but alas, they either don’t have a name or it has not been revealed.  Usually celebrity baby names are great fuel for blogging, but I think these two like to go traditional.  What would you name their child?

UPDATED:  The baby’s name is Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.  Maybe not as traditional as I expected! I like it!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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just six words and a picture.

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Tony says PETA is grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Errr…

or

Little Timmy wants a new cat.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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all hail the naked vail skier.

Picture your most humiliating nightmare.  Perhaps you are naked in front of a crowd.  Mine might involve looking like I was 13 again.  You’re thinking about it now.  Mortifying, is it not?  Well some poor dude in Vail lived a very imaginative nightmare.  Like the only funny scene from an unbearably unfunny Jim Carrey movie, he found himself dangling upside down from a ski lift san pants with his dangly parts totally exposed in the frigid cold.  Errr… here are the pictures.  You can’t make this shit up.

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HAHAHAHA

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And finally, he is showed some mercy.

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Stifle your laughter, fools!  The man suffered from exposure!  Okay, you can giggle, because it is comedy of the absurd.

According to the press release, he was suspended for about seven minutes.  NOT seven minutes in heaven, I’m sure.  Pantsless man, I know nothing we, your fellow Americans, can ever do will erase the pain of this ordeal, but I propose that any time you go to a bar, your drinks are free.  But you know who I feel worst for?  His kid.  Sitting right next to him.  Hahaha. oh dear.  Therapy much?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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you like my new fake bag?

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Every time I see a Louis Vuitton bag I just assume that it’s fake and you bought it on the street for 40 bucks.  I can’t tell if you paid the full price for it, and I don’t care.  Americans LOVE buying the fake stuff.  I bought a fake Longchamp bag in Turkey for 12 bucks.  (Because it was fake, I pronounced it Long Champ…like it SHOULD be pronounced.  Silly French.)  Anyway, whenever people would compliment my bag, I’d automatically tell them it was a fake.  I mean, why should I pretend like it was real?  That is my pet peeve about counterfeit items–when people act like they’re real.

My pet peeve is one of the reasons I have great admiration for a new shopping center in China.  This shopping center is all about counterfeit items and is totally unapologetic.  They proudly and purposefully spell things differently so as to avoid legal trouble, and it is HILARIOUS.  God love ’em.  For example, you can eat a pizza at a Pizza Huh.  Huh?   I mean, what?  No, not a Pizza Hut, a Pizza Huh.  Regardless, I’m sure you still have the shits “stomach issues” for hours post-gorge.  After your delicious fake pizza, you can enjoy a fake coffee at Bucksstar and buy a “Naik” sweatshirt.  Just do it!  No but seriously, would you do it?  For pictures and a legitimate news story, click here.

Are the Chinese on to something?  Is the answer to consumerism, or is it perpetuating it?  Whoa deep thoughts.  I need something mindless…maybe I’ll catch up on some GG.  You know you love me.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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but you’ll shoot your eye out!

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Yes, it is Christmas eve and I am blogging. What of it?  But I have to share this with the world.  In case you didn’t know, the best movie EVER is on the teevee for a solid 24 hours straight.  Twenty-four hours of “A Christmas Story”?  YES PUHLEASE!  I’ll watch it inbetween meals.  So turn on TBS.  This movie makes me laugh so hard I cry.  The scene with the leg lamp?  PRICELESS!

Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

Also, in case you wanted to keep tabs on the big guy in red, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, has a Santa tracker going.  As of right now, he’s in between the South Pole and South America.  He best be getting to the US of A tonight!  Specifically, my house.

http://www.noradsanta.org/

Merry Christmas!  I hope Santa is good to you!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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nothing like stone for the holidays.

A few months ago, I ordered myself a Rolling Stone subscription on some sketchy website using my super sweet student discount. I never saw an issue of the magazine, so I figured I had been scammed. Little did I know, the magazines were somehow coming to my home address, so there was a stockpile of them waiting when I arrived in Denver at 3 a.m. last night.

Flight delays are fun, huh? I checked into the airport in DC at 12:30 p.m. and arrived in Denver well over twelve hours later thanks to the clusterfuck that was the Boston airport. Not that I’m really complaining. I had Dave Egger’s What Is the What with me, which provided many hours of distraction along with the perspective check of, “Hey, waiting in a climate-controlled airport with plenty of food and water for half a day is not even remotely bad when compared to walking through the Sudanese desert for months, starving and half-naked.”

In general, I’m just glad I was able to get home last night and didn’t get stuck for a few days. (I’m also glad that I wasn’t in the position of these poor people on a flight out of Denver last night.) Plus, my luggage never left Boston, so I’ve been able to justify not leaving my couch because, you know, I don’t even have any CLOTHES to wear in public.

Which leads me back to my real point: I love Rolling Stone. For starters, I always feel pretty damn cool reading it, a la William Miller in Almost Famous. But I really, erm, read it for the articles. I started with the oldest magazine so I could read them in chronological order (OCD, people. OCD), so I’m back in mid-November reading articles about the election and the bailout. Naomi Klein’s article on the bailout made me veddy veddy angry, and Matt Taibbi’s roundup of his favorite moments on the campaign trail made me even happier to be an elitist liberal. Take this quote, for instance:

“The collapse of the Bush administration left the Republican Party utterly bankrupt of ideological advantage. The Bush era made it impossible to sell the party as fiscally conservative ($10 trillion deficit), militarily superior ($12 billion a month fighting a handful of Arabs in sandals to a blood draw), or even as the party of ‘moral values’ (a raft of Republicans caught offering to suck off strangers in restrooms or texting little boys on the Internet).”

Politically correct, Taibbi is not. But still, GO BARRY.

So if you need me over the next few days, you can find me on my couch, in my high school pajamas, weeping into a Rolling Stone as I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

[Posted by Mallory]

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six-pack santa, i’ve been naughty.

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The Beverly Center in LA  gives you two choices when it comes to your mall Santa.  Naughty or nice.  So you can go sit on bowl full of jelly Santa’s lap, or you can sit on six-pack Santa’s lap.  Meet Eli Wilhide, pictured above, this year’s Hunky Santa.  RAWR!  Only in California!  But I think this should be a feature at every mall.

And, just because I can, here is one of my favorite Christmas songs.  Sometimes it makes me produce tears.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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