Category Archives: random

i love me some hemingways (plural).

A hearty SWTCTW congratulations to Floridian Tom Grizzard, who won this year’s prestigious Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest in Key West. It’s his eighth time competing. Eighth time’s the charm, buddy! He beat out 141 other Ernests for his prize, which is–well, come to think of it, it’s not stated in the article. But I’m sure it’s AWESOME. Maybe it’s the baller medallion hanging from his noble neck?  Where can I get me one of those?

And I thought this picture of all the Ernests was fantastic. So much passion! Got me all fired up!

But besides applauding Tom Grizzard for his innate, genetic inclination towards resembling a Nobel prize winning author, I wanted to post some quotes from our friend Ernest.

  • “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
  • “As you get older it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary.”
  • “Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.”
  • “There are events which are so great that if a writer has participated in them his obligation is to write truly rather than assume the presumption of altering them with invention.”
  • “The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.”

Okay, that’s enough. Enjoy.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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wonder if the olsens had trouble…

I’ve written before about how the college admissions process mystifies me. I also don’t often understand employment decisions, or acceptances into all sorts of programs (Teach For America, for instance). In each situation, someone has to make a decision based on relatively little information, and they must choose from among many, many applicants or candidates. It’s always sort of a fluke. It’s a hard job, and I certainly wouldn’t want to do it.

I found this article in today’s New York Times very interesting. Called “Is There a Better Half,” it talks about the unique challenges that twins and triplets face when applying to college. On top of considering whether or not they want to be together, or at least geographically close, they also have to consider how being a twin or a triplet will affect their applications when applying to the same school:

“Other people were applying to Harvard from our school,” Olivia [one of a set of triplets] explains, “and it’s not like Harvard was going to take five people. Sometimes it only takes one or two. I knew colleges place this huge emphasis on geographical diversity. So were they really going to take two people from the exact same household?”

Eek. Applying to college is hard enough as it is; I wouldn’t want any other factors complicating the process. (Thing about the agony that the Gosselins will go through!) Take a look at the article, then grab a frosty beverage and head outside, as I plan to do riiiiiight now.

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under family, news, random

when our work’s done for us.

Just as Mallory posted a headline due to its six word memoir quality, I am going to do the same.  It is now officially a regular feature at SWTCTW. This one, brought to us by fellow masters of snark, Page Six, is really quite good. It refers to the former (thank GOD) Mrs. McCartney’s publicist quitting on her. Michele Elyzabeth, her jilted mouthpiece, said:

On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British Press has reported about her.

Ouch, that sucks. Especially since the Brits (God love them and their humor/humour) are especially vicious when reporting the news and celebrity gossip.

Anyway, here is Page Six’s headline/six word memoir.

“Heather loses her P.R. leg, too”

Snap!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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here come the men in black.

So according to a former Apollo 14 (not 13) astronaut, aliens exist–they not only exist, they’ve visited us multiple times over the years, but our big, bad government has covered it up (a government conspiracy theory? Gasp! How revolutionary!). But not to fear, friends, because Dr. Edgar Mitchell assures us that if they were hostile and wanted us to be dead by now, we would be. Phew! The good doctor told all of this told all of this to Kerrang! radio. You can listen to the radio show here, or just read these quotes.

“I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we’ve been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real.”

“It’s been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it’s leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it.”

“I’ve been in military and intelligence circles, who know that beneath the surface of what has been public knowledge, yes – we have been visited. Reading the papers recently, it’s been happening quite a bit.”

Wow, he sounds–to use his word AGAIN, privileged. Here’s some more good news. Aliens look EXACTLY like we expected them to! Big eyes, big heads, and small bodies. And who doesn’t like being right?

Now, I know it isn’t my place to judge or say what is real and what is not (but this blog is 50% mine and I’m going to do what I want, duh). And despite the fact that Dr. Mitchell did a moonwalk and is very smart, I think he’s being a tad bit moony about this. I mean, come on. Aliens? Really? But then again, if you’ve ever been to a Waffle House between the hours of 11 p.m. and 5 a.m., it is convincing. There are some strange looking folks there…

Anyway, I did some thinking and made a list of aliens I wouldn’t mind running into and those I would. Here are some that I would feel fairly okay about:

Here are those that would most likely upset me:

And finally, the scariest of all:

Ugh. And just because I’m feeling frisky, here is a music video featuring a really talented alien:

Let me see you just bounce with me, just bounce with me, just bounce with me. Come on just slide with me, now slide with me…

[Posted by Kathleen]

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youtube clip of today: last lecture.

Last year, Professor Randy Pausch gave his final lecture at Carnegie Mellon. Pausch, a computer science professor, had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given just a month or so. He died on Friday. Here is the video of his moving last lecture, titled, “Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”. This lecture became an internet sensation, a book, and Pausch even made an appearance on Oprah.

While over 400 people attended his original lecture and millions have since heard his speech, he said his message was ultimately for his three children. He wrote in his book:

“I was trying to put myself in a bottle that would one day wash up on the beach for my children.”

How eloquent is that?

RIP Randy Pausch, thank you for your wisdom. He said, “If I don’t seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you.” You didn’t disappoint, Randy, you inspired.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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hillary put baby in a corner.

So I’m clearly bored at work an have been stalking Wonkette even more intensely than usual. In the comments of one of the posts (yeah, maybe I read all the comments. I also read magazines cover to cover, and maybe take pills for that), I found a GENIUS website: www.hillaryismomjeans.com.

Now, I’m not one of those people who hates Hillary Clinton. In fact, I think she’s pretty great. But this shit is hilarious. (Think of Chuck Norris jokes, but in reverse.) Feel free to substitute “Mallory” for “Hillary” if that makes you feel better. Here are some of my favorites:

Hillary gave Jessie the caffeine pills.

Hillary ate all the bugles.

Hillary likes glitter.

Hillary wants less cowbell.

Hillary sings the FreeCreditReport.com jingle.

Hillary yells “Freebird” at your concert.

 

Okay sorry it was hard to stop. But here’s the best one:

HILLARY WRITES EVERYTHING IN COMIC SANS.

(Walsh, I cannot wait until you see that.)

 

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under politics, random

everybody has seen his teenie weenie.

One time, my roommate painted me naked for one of her art projects. Before you think this is really scandalous, let me clarify- I was wearing a bra and she made up my boobs. (One night, after having a little too much wine, I went on and on about how she painted them saggy. They are, in real life and the painting, anything but. HA!) As part of her project’s theme, she censored my face. The painting was picked up by one of our university’s academic journals, and suddenly, fliers of my body were all around school. Everywhere I looked I saw myself. And even though you couldn’t see my face, I felt like I was in that dream where you are naked in front of the entire school. Because I was. Anyway, that’s a long introduction to what I really want to talk about. Imagine if you were on the cover of an album that represented an entire generation, naked. So basically, naked in front of the entire universe.

Meet Spencer Elden. Well, you’ve already met him. In the quasi-intimate sense. He’s the baby on Nirvana’s famous “Nevermind” album, floating merrily along reaching for that dolla dolla bill, ya’ll.

And NPR (I love love love NPR) did a story on him.

“Quite a few people in the world have seen my penis,” he says from his home in Los Angeles. “So that’s kinda cool. I’m just a normal kid living it up and doing the best I can while I’m here.”

You know what, that is kinda cool. Power to you, man. Wonder what it’s like to be him on a daily basis?

“My friend is all like, ‘Hey I saw you today.’ And I’m like, ‘Dude, I was working all day.’ And he’s like, ‘No, I went to Geffen Records, and you’re on the floor and you’re floating and I stepped on your face. ‘Cause I guess they have like a floating thing where people can like walk on me and stuff … so it’s kinda cool,” he says.

That’s kinda cool too, Spencer. He might just be one of the most non-famous famous kids out there. And he’s kind of kickass. Badass too, because his parents sent him to military school for a bit. Here he is now, all growed up:

Read the piece on this kid. He doesn’t just smell like teen spirit, he reeks of it. Kurt Cobain would be proud, dude.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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who knew loan applications were funny?

So I’m filling out a loan application, and the official loan papers have some specific requirements for certain states. Most of them say stuff about attorney’s fees that I don’t understand, but the state-specific rule for Alabama was pretty simple. It said only this:

“CAUTION — IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU THOROUGHLY READ THE CONTRACT BEFORE YOU SIGN IT.”

Excellent.

Okay now I’m off to drink margaritas and watch The Breakfast Club at Red Rocks. Be jealous.

[Posted by Mallory]

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something borrowed, something blue, something…botoxed?

We’ve discussed plastic surgery a little here at SWTCTW. As I mentioned in this post,I think plastic surgery trends are getting a leetle nuts these days, and my thoughts and fears were confirmed by one of today’s New York Times articles. In “It’s Botox For You, Dear Bridesmaids,” Abby Ellin talks about the latest fad in plastic surgery: brides encouraging and/or paying for their bridesmaids to get everything from Botox to boob jobs.

To begin with, I’m the kind of girl who thinks that over-the-top weddings are unnecessary. I know that many women want their wedding to be the best day ever and are happy to spend bajillions of Daddy’s dollars on the perfect ceremony, but I just don’t see the point. Give me an “I do”, a cake, and a party with an open bar, and I’ll be happy. But all those things aside, plastic surgery for bridesmaids strikes me as out-of-this-world absurd. In the article, the brides who want to Botox their BFFs seem to want to do it as a gift. As 35-year-old bride-to-be Kasey Knauer explains:

“Giving them a bracelet isn’t as special as spending an evening together. Plus, as you get older, everyone is more conscientious about their skin and appearance,” she said. “Giving them something for themselves — as opposed to something that they’ll never wear again — is more meaningful.”

And I guess if her bridesmaids are the kind of people who would want Botox anyway, that is a pretty nice gift. Still, the whole thing strikes me as a little Stepford wife-y. As in, “My bridesmaids will wear perfect matching dresses, they will be skinny, and they will NOT be wrinkled. Smile, girls!.”

Other brides are encouraging their bridesmaids to get their teeth whitened or go tanning before the wedding so that they all look more or less the same. One bride took things a little far:

…two women were claustrophobic and couldn’t bear standing in a tanning capsule. “They asked the bride if they could use regular tanning cream from a salon,” Ms. Goldberg said. The bride refused; she wanted everyone to be the same shade. The women ultimately declined to be bridesmaids. “Friendships of 20-plus years gone over a spray tan?” Ms. Goldberg said. “Sad!”

By that logic, I’d have to make my token Asian friend work the guest book. Sorry, Walsher.

Even more disturbing than the Botox and the tanning, some brides are requesting that their bridesmaids get breast implants:

Becky Lee, 39, a Manhattan photographer, declined when a friend asked her — and five other attendants — to have their breasts enhanced. “We’re all Asian and didn’t have a whole lot of cleavage, and she found a doctor in L.A. who was willing to do four for the price of two,” said Ms. Lee, who wore a push-up bra instead.

Call me old-fashioned, but if a friend asked me to get a boob job for her wedding, I think I’d be insulted. Getting me into an unflattering dress would be hard enough, but getting me to go under the knife? Ha! What happened to mani/pedis and lunch with the girls?

[Posted by Mallory]

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twisters in the granite state. eek.

There were terrible storms, tornadoes and floods today in my home state of New Hampshire. While most of this was happening, I was happily perched on my couch with my trusty MacBook on my lap and Chinese Crested Hairless dog at my side, totally and utterly oblivious to the devastation–until I got frantic phone calls from my loved ones. “Are you okay?! Are you in the basement?!” Wait, what? Oh there’s a tornado you say? And it’s headed towards me?! My ignorance had been bliss as I was watching Project Runway and Shear Genius reruns and blogging away. And as much as I hate to admit it, I got a little scared.

I flipped on our news channel, WMUR, and sure enough, things were bad. Obviously the first thing that came to my mind was the movie Twister. If I can connect anything to a movie, song, or something political, count on it.

God, that movie is good. I can still feel the adrenaline rush from the first time I saw it, and I’ve seen it approximately 900 times since then. I had dreams of cruising around in an old van with Dusty (who makes my list of coolest fictional movie characters and is oddly attractive to me), singing and searching for twisters. Perhaps I, too, would get to see a cow casually go by. Ahh, good times. But as I was grabbing my dog and running to the basement it hit me: this movie romanticizes something that in real life is very scary.

The truth is, my experience was neither traumatic nor dramatic. After some time of hanging out in my cold and unfinished basement, things were fine. Sadly, people in the town of Epsom had a much harder time. I’m very fortunate, because the only thing I really have to talk about is a Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton movie. New Hampshire is in a state of emergency, so keep the state in your prayers. A lot of people need it. To read about it, click here. I feel very lucky right now.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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