Tag Archives: crime

this guy is no john dillinger.

MarkEarlWhite.jpgMark E. White was only trying to make his getaway after robbing the bank in Saginaw, Michigan.

According to the news story, Marky Mark had just gotten out of the slammer three weeks earlier when he decided to rob the Citizens Bank.  He was successful, and two blocks later tried to hitch a ride.  He flagged down a car… which happened to be an unmarked police car.  Needless to say, he was caught.

Now Mr. White, I am not a criminal — nor do I have any plans to ever become one– but I’m pretty sure that if I was, I’d make sure I arranged my transportation ahead of time.  Maybe that’s just me.

Ah, stories about dumb criminals.  It makes you feel just a little bit better about your Monday morning, no?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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michele is udderly insane. get it?

Michele Allen was just trying to have a normal Saturday night.  So she ended up in a cow suit, chasing children, peeing on porches and getting arrested  Needless to say, she was schwasted.

(Middletown, OH) — Saturday night, people in the 3100 block of Wilbraham Road called police to report a woman wearing a cow costume was chasing kids, and blocking traffic. Michele Allen also allegedly urinated on the porch of one neighbor.
When officers arrived, they told her to go home. But later that night, they found her again, in the 2400 block of Verity, standing in traffic. This time, officers say, Allen smelled of alcohol and swore at them.
She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.
Allen plead guilty, Monday morning, in Middletown Municipal Court, and sentenced to a month in jail.

This is a true story.  Apparently, she showed up to the hearing still in costume.  Haha!

Many questions come up when one thinks about this story.  Oddly enough, the first thing that came to my mind was how did she pee?  From the udders?  Or did she pop a squat and break character?  DC correspondent Chris raised a couple of other good questions.  Was she drunk before she put on the cow costume?  Or did she get drunk and then decide to frolic about in a cow costume?

I question her judgment either way.

Silly Michele.  If you had only waited until Halloween, you probably could have gotten through the night at least without being arrested.  Hell, scaring children in a cow costume while drunk and peeing on buildings that don’t belong to you might even be considered normal–at least on a college campus.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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Filed under adventures, blogging, definitely not politics, fashion, humor, news, pop culture, random

i’d kill for bigger boobs, mom.

Here’s a good story for you.  Eighteen year old Nikita Lee Weis wanted to kill his mother.  Why?  So he could sell her stuff, and get the money to buy his girlfriend bigger boobs, duh.  Awwww!  How selfless of him!  His mother, Hyun Weis, was attacked with a baseball bat in her house on Thursday.  She spent one night in the hospital, but she’s okay.  But the police have arrested Nikita, the two kids he hired and his flat-chested girlfriend Sophia Nicole Alsept on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first degree murder.

So Nikita is a boobs man?

Really though, let’s take a second to acknowledge the absurdity of this.  This kid wants his girlfriend’s rack to be bigger badly enough that he would kill his mother?  Back in the day, when I used to say that I’d kill for bigger boobs, I didn’t mean it.  It was HYPERBOLE.  And hello, Sophia?  If that man buys your tatas he’s going to think that he owns them. Girrrrrrrrl that’s not good.  Especially if he kills his mama over them.  Just saying…

Children these days.  Geeeeeez.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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from the department of hilarious crimes…

As I’ve mentioned, I’m in grad school now and so occasionally I’ll get these safety alerts from my school about crimes that have happened in the area. Mostly the alerts scare the shit out of me and make me afraid to walk alone at night, but this one made me chuckle:

Please be advised that on Sunday, September 21, 2008 at approximately 3:30 a.m., a group of 12-15 white males and females broke into a private residence and stole a bronze bull’s head sculpture worth $25,000.

Ha ha! What is this, Ocean’s Eleven? 12-15 people?! Was this some sort of massive dare? A drinking game gone awry? An extremely ambitious ploy to get listed in the safety alert emails? Either way, it brightened my day a little. And compelled me to put my $25,000 bronze bull’s head sculpture in my vault.

[Posted by Mallory]

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a million adventures, and then some.

Oh look, a bar of soap.

My eight best girlfriends from Richmond who receive my Sunday briefings about my weekend know that for this summer (more than any other summer, or any other time of my life, for that matter), I am in the business of having adventures. A couple of nights a week, accompanied by whoever is brave enough to join us, Kelsey and I go out into the world and wreak havoc in the best kind of way. Not that you couldn’t figure it out for yourself, but for us, having adventures means befriending the most interesting strangers, dancing in the most ridiculous ways, participating in the most absurd activities (for instance, going to see an improv show, befriending the troupe, and being invited to take classes…as a pregame), and generally ending the night with a story worthy of an epic email to our best friends. Now, for the sake of my future political career and my mother’s opinion of me, I will not be detailing each of our adventures on this blog. I will, however, be sharing those that I deem appropriate. This Sunday morning’s adventures are officially bloggable.
 
After a night out downtown with Kelsey (sensing a pattern here?) and her best friend from school, Sarah, Kelsey’s brother kindly offered to drive us back to our car, which was responsibly parked at a garage downtown and not driven that night. When Kelsey’s brother let us out onto the street where we were parked, we noticed that the entire block was taped off with the yellow crime scene tape and that there were a couple of cops standing guard. What does a true adventurer do in such a situation? Befriend the cops and talk to them for upwards of 30 minutes, of course. 
 
We walk up to “Officer Adams” and “Tom” and jokingly ask, “Oooh, was there a murder??” With straight faces, they tell us that yes, yes there was a murder. Oh. We naturally ask for details, and they don’t tell us a lot, but we do learn that the incident occurred after the bars let out at 2 a.m., and the cops ultimately had to shoot and kill a gang member involved in the scuffle. This scares us a little, considering that the bar we had gone to the night before (and our favorite bar in downtown Denver) is only one block west of the scene. But enough about that…back to the adventure. 
 
We do all the normal things that you do when you are befriending a police officer: share our gum with them; ask them about their wives and girlfriends; have them point out every item on their cops belts; have them pretend to handcuff us; get Tom to do Cry Face (see Hump Day Cry Face tomorrow for evidence); convince them to let us dance in the street as a way of directing traffic; and invite them to Kelsey’s graduation party later that day. (For the record, much to our disappointment, they didn’t come.)

After we’d exhausted all of the typical cop conversation topics, we noticed a reporter walking toward the scene of the crime. We said goodbye to Officer Adams and Tom and rushed over to this reporter, “Mary” (how does the whole privacy protecting of names work with blogs, anyway?). We muttered some nonsense about loving journalism and asked if we could shadow her while she walked around. She gave us the once-over, chuckled and said, “Out all night?” and allowed us to shadow her. Now, while we were incredibly interested in/freaked-out by the scene that lay before us, Mary actually seemed pretty bored. She was casually jotting down notes and pointing some things out to us while we ooh-ed and aah-ed and asked questions like a bunch of budding forensic scientists. She interviewed us for a dry article that was posted online and appears to have already been taken down. Then we found the photographer and followed him around, taking important pictures like zoom-ins of the little yellow evidence markers with our half broken digital cameras (pictures that we will no doubt put in our portfolios when we apply to the FBI).
 
By this time, we were bored, hungry, and had learned all there is to know about reporting on a murder, so we drove home, screaming “Happy Sunday!!!” to all of the gay couples headed to the gay pride parade taking place downtown. We had a breakfast appetizer of Smartfood, then shared some delicious French toast with Kelsey’s family. Just a normal little Sunday morning, eh?

[Posted by Mallory]

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