Author Archives: Mallory

by | October 27, 2008 · 9:49 pm

larry david reads my mind, etc.

Helloooo everyone! It’s been a while. I don’t have time to post a lot right now, but I wanted to get a few quick thoughts out since I’ve been MIA the past few days.

I’ve been MIA partly because my computer is still broken ($755 later it should be fixed in a few days…awesome) and I feel sort of awkward blogging in public. Except I just found a secret computer dungeon filled exclusively with nerds, so I don’t feel as embarrassed anymore. The other reason I haven’t been blogging is that I went back to my beloved undergrad university for Homecoming this weekend. (Sadly Kathleeny could not attend.) I may post more about it later, but for now let’s just say it was wonderful, and that a lot of Bloody Mary’s were consumed.

In other news, I’m totally digging the fall weather. It means I get to wear long coats and riding boots, and, even more importantly, that I’m no longer drenched in sweat 99% of the day. See, DC was pretty hot, weather-wise, for a while there, which meant that every time I walked more than three blocks I looked as if I had just run a marathon. I spent a lot of time complaining about how pants are like prisons for your legs and that if it was socially acceptable I would no longer wear them. Ever. (Unfortunately it isn’t socially acceptable, yet, which also means that you ladies out there should not be wearing leggings as pants. BECAUSE LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. It’s okay if you’ve been working out, or if you are wearing a shirt that more than covers your ass-thigh junction, but other than that leave those leggings at home. Otherwise I will not-so-silently mock you to everyone I see.)

So the point is, I’m loving the crisp fall weather.

My final random thought of the day is that I love Larry David. I feel like I’ve been straight plagiarizing my friend Caroline’s blog, but I simply must post some of Mr. David’s article about waiting for the election:

The one concession I’ve made to maintain some form of sanity is that I’ve taken to censoring my news, just like the old Soviet Union. The citizenry (me) only gets to read and listen to what I deem appropriate for its health and well-being. Sure, there are times when the system breaks down. Michele Bachmann got through my radar this week, right before bedtime. That’s not supposed to happen. That was a lapse in security, and I’ve had to make some adjustments. The debates were particularly challenging for me to monitor. First I tried running in and out of the room so I would only hear my guy. This worked until I knocked over a tray of hors d’oeuvres. “Sit down or get out!” my host demanded. “Okay,” I said, and took a seat, but I was more fidgety than a ten-year-old at temple. I just couldn’t watch without saying anything, and my running commentary, which mostly consisted of “Shut up, you prick!” or “You’re a fucking liar!!!” or “Go to hell, you cocksucker!” was way too distracting for the attendees, and finally I was asked to leave.

It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one screaming “Go to hell, you cocksucker!” at the television on the occasional weeknight.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 23, 2008 · 3:33 am

in fact we’re slip slidin’ away.

This evening after a day of attempted productivity, I went over to my friend Tamar’s house so that we could both whine about our first-world problems while weeping into a J.Crew catalog. Obviously there were emo songs involved. It was just one of those days…chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis. She taught me that Paul Simon’s “Slip Sliding Away” is an excellent wallow-in-self-pity kind of song:

We were emo for a while tonight then headed off to girl’s night, which is where we drink wine and eat lots of food and watch embarrassing television with a couple of other gals. Pretty standard. Except tonight my friend Jill’s dad was in town, and he was actually a wonderful addition to girl’s night. I love meeting people’s parents. It’s so telling. All of a sudden you’re like “Ahhh so THAT’S why you are the way you are.” In this case, I realized how Jill became such a wonderful, kind, and interesting person. Who likes Thai food and wine.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 23, 2008 · 3:24 am

it’s not midnight yet. i win!

I’m trying to be on a roll here. A roll of not forgetting the Hump Day Cry Face. I’m doing well, right?!

I’ve mentioned Jed before. Jed is great. I love Jed. Jed is a really, really wonderful Cry Face Ambassador. He orchestrated all of these gems:

He seems to be teaching the closed-mouth Cry Face. Interesting tactic. I’m okay with it. To each his own. Jed’s in the middle of this next photo:

And while I’m making an e-shrine to Mr. Jed, I’ll just throw in this photo because I think it’s pretty fabulous:

Jed, let’s get married.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 22, 2008 · 7:46 pm

but how is the chicken cooked?

Read this.

David Sedaris, I love you.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 22, 2008 · 7:32 pm

hump day isn’t just for crying.

On this lovely little October Wednesday, I’d like to share some random thoughts with you. (Don’t worry…cry face is coming.) I haven’t posted in a while either, and it’s partly because my mom was here in DC to visit, and partly because my computer broke. (And I have to go to Arlington to fix it…THE HORROR!)

I had a lovely little weekend with the mother, and we got to do some touristy things and eat a lot and she took me to do this foreign activity — shopping — that we poor grad students (read: irresponsible grad students who’d rather spend their $75 weekly budget on overpriced gin and tonics than clothes) can’t do very often. (Random side note: a kid I don’t know very well who tends to be sort of loud and intense just looked over my shoulder and was like “OOH someone has a WordPress blog!” Which made me self conscious.) (Yes there are too many parentheses in this post.)

Um where was I? Ah yes, random thoughts. I’ve been in a weird mood for the past few days. Alternately introspective in a delightful, happy way and in a depressed, go-home-and-listen-to-Dashboard way.  First of all, I’ve been having lots of political debates with my family. In fact, I’ve argued with every member of my immediate family this week. My mother is still on the fence about the election, due to the fact that she has been brainwashed by my father. My sister is currently being brainwashed by her conservative Kansas friends to be “terrified of Obama.” My father has been palling around with McCain for years, but we recently got in an email debate about abortion, in which I threw out the cliche trump card…”Dad, what if I was raped and got pregnant?”

Things have been getting kind of heated, which has been giving me agida. Unfortunately, I often get so angry that I can’t articulate coherent thoughts. All I want to scream is “HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE RELATED TO ME?! JUMP IN THE TANK WITH ME AND BARACK!” and then make them carve Barack pumpkins while looking at pictures of Sasha and Malia.

Sigh. Let’s just say I had to wear my flannel nightgown last night.

I’ve also had lots of emo thoughts about some of the relationships in my life. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details, but I’ve come to a realization about what I value in a person. Above all, I value the following two qualities: authenticity and wackiness. I can’t stand people who are inauthentic, in all the forms that takes. And it’s not to say that I’m perfectly honest and perfectly myself 100% of the time, but I’d like to think that my core personality is fixed, and that I don’t radically change who I am based on who I’m around. Too many people do that. I hate that.

And then there’s wackiness. If you’re authentic and not wacky, I’ll probably respect you, but I won’t want to hang out with you. It’s like when people say “Well, so-and-so’s just really nice.” To which I respond, “Nice doesn’t cut it. Nice is fine. But nice is boring. I don’t want to hang out with nice.” If you’re not just a leeeetle wacky, it’s not worth it. Having friends with a little wacky in them is what makes it possible for me to still have friends even though I sometimes wear flannel nightgowns and say weird things and dance really awkwardly and am kind of a nerd.

If you’re wacky, authentic, and in the tank for Barack, I totally love you right now. Bring your flannel nightgown over. We’ll drink red wine and watch the Food Network and maybe have a dance party to old Aaliyah songs. It will be great.

If you’re not into any of the above maybe just look at the picture of Pam and Dwight and Jim until you’re so happy you almost cry. Even unauthentic boring people who love McCain deserve to feel happy once in a while.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 16, 2008 · 12:56 pm

milk: a quest for everybody’s rights.

I cannot wait to see Milk.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 16, 2008 · 2:08 am

really, bravo? finale during the debate?

Project Runway Spoiler Alert…

Okay, so I am a bad American and was switching back and forth between Project Runway and the debate tonight (John shut up about Joe the Plumber…Joe the Plumber doesn’t make $250k per year). Now, I thought Kenley had the best collection tonight, which isn’t to say that I didn’t love Korto and Leanne’s collections. I have loved all three of them from the beginning, personal style included. But JESUS CHRIST Leanne, could you have WASHED YOUR HAIR for the finale? YOUR FIRST RUNWAY SHOW EVER? I get it, Leanne. I have hair like you. Hair that needs to be washed every day. And here’s what I do to combat that: I wash my hair every day. Consider it.

And while we’re chatting, Leanne, please know that you had a lovely (if monotonous) collection, and that I cried more than you did when you won.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 15, 2008 · 3:27 pm

just cold cry-facin’ at my boyfriend.

It’s Hump Day Cry Face time! So yesterday, my “friend,” we’ll call him “Joe,” tried to tell me that the Cry Face was really a laughing face. And I was all, “Dude, have you ever seen a human laugh? That ain’t a laughing face.” Then he tried to argue with me and I told him that I would KNOW because I am the CREATOR of Cry Face. He then continued to say mean things to me and now I hate him.

(I’m mostly kidding. I mean Joe IS one of our regular readers, and I don’t want to alienate any regular readers. )

But speaking of Cry Face, let me tell you about my friend Selia. I’m using the term friend loosely here, mostly to mean “someone that I have a creepy Cry Face-related connection with even though I’ve never actually met her.” Weird, right? We’re like secret cyberspace heterosexual Cry Face girlfriends. Anyway. Selia is one of the proudest and best Cry Face ambassadors, and she has been dutifully spreading the CF all over the world. She’s here on the right:

Here’s to you, Selia. You deserve one million whore diamonds.

Now I’ll get back to “work,” or checking my email while staring across the room at my Library Boyfriend.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 13, 2008 · 9:32 pm

quote of the day: charles schulz.

Did you know his last name was spelled without a ‘t,’ by the way? Crazy, man. Anyway:

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

Or cold leftover chicken parm eaten while standing in your kitchen. Whatever works.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | October 12, 2008 · 1:08 am

tell me are you that somebody?

Things that are not normal: eating a bean burrito and drinking a margarita by yourself while watching The Princess Diaries, by way of a pregame. Is this what being an adult is? Being forced to drink alone if your roommate is out of town and you happen to want to have a drink before you go out? (And your sister teased you with the idea of a margarita and you gave in?) I just choked on my margarita, by the way. 

I guess for the beginning of the night, it’s just me, my marg, and The Kooks. I don’t like this very much. My goal was to be UBER productive this weekend and not go out much at all. Except I already went out last night, and now, after being in the library all day, I am desperate for human contact. Plus, my friends organized a bar crawl. My life is so hard. 

Other random thoughts brought on by three sips of a strong drink on an empty-ish stomach: 

  • I love the bus.
  • I love Georgetown even more. It may be the greatest place on earth. It’s beautiful, has a cool history, and feels neighborhood-y, but it’s right in a really big, wonderful city.
  • The most attractive people in the world are part Asian.
  • Today I walked by what appeared to be a Fraturday, with shirtless dudes getting hammered and singing “Heyyyy, hey baby (hoo, ha!) I wanna knooooow will you be my girl” and I nearly cried because I’m not exactly allowed to do stuff like that anymore.
  • You can’t buy the Aaliyah song “Are You That Somebody?” on iTunes! (I think I still know EVERY word to that song.)
  • I am babysitting two birds this weekend. Isn’t that strange?
Now just watch the Aaliyah video and stop judging me. Take a shot of tequila or something. And try to figure out why someone thought it was a good idea to put the sound of a baby crying in the background of this song.

[Posted by Mallory]

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