Author Archives: Mallory

boulder is a trippy place, man.

 

My apologies for my lack of postings this weekend. I’d like to say that I was just pretending this was a real job and taking the weekend off, but really, for the entirety of this weekend I was too drunk or too hungover or too asleep or my fingers were too covered in Smartfood to write anything. And this morning, I went through my usual routine of setting my alarm for a reasonable time, like 8:00, picking up my phone and bringing it into bed with me when the alarm went off, reading my emails in bed (because I’m so important that I have a Blackberry solely for the purpose of reading my emails in bed), tucking my phone under me, and falling back asleep for three more hours. Looks like all that rest left me with the energy to write run-on sentences that would make my AP English teacher weep.
 
Anyway. On Friday Kelsey and I took our out-of-town visitor, Sarah, to Boulder and met up with my friend Anne. We had dinner at this great little tavern which served my new reason to believe in God, goat cheese macaroni. I’d like to shake the hand of the person who invented that. I could bathe in the stuff. Once we were energized by the goat cheese, we ventured out onto Pearl Street Mall. Pearl Street is one of my favorite areas in Boulder. It’s a pedestrian mall that stretches for four blocks and is lined with trees, used bookstores, stores like Banana Republic and Volcom, bars, and street performers. The street performers are the best part. While we were at dinner, Anne (a CU grad) was telling us about this “Zip Code Guy” who performs on Pearl Street every so often. Apparently, she has always wanted to see him and never got the chance.
 
As it turned out, God smiled down on us on this particular evening, and we ran into Zip Code Guy, who was just beginning his performance. A crowd had formed around him, and he was asking for people from out of town to tell him their zip codes. Once he knew the zip code, he told the crowd exactly where that person was from. It was absolutely amazing. He could even get zip codes from random countries like Moldova. As he spoke, he was making a map of the US on the ground with a yellow chain.
 
After this warmup, he began to place people on the map according to their zip codes. I was placed on in 23173 (Richmond, Virginia, where I went to school), Kelsey was placed nearby in Williamsburg, and Sarah was placed up in Basking Ridge, New Jersey. (Anne made the mistake of staying in Colorado her whole life, so she didn’t have any obscure zip codes to throw out.) Zip Code Guy placed about 30 people on this map, from Maine to Wayne, Indiana, to Arizona. Once everyone was placed in their respective towns, he went through and recited every single person’s zip code, pausing to juggle five balls at once when he needed a little extra time to think. It was honestly one of the most impressive random talents I have ever seen. When we ran into Zip Code Guy after the show, he told us that it took him a few years and some driving around the country to finally memorize everything. Nutso.
 
It seemed that Zip Code Guy would have talked to us forever had we not ended the conversation, which made us feel bad for him (as in, he probably has nowhere else to go), and we were depressed until we stumbled upon some drummers. The drummers were a group of five or six guys just jamming out on a variety of bongos and other drums whose names I obviously don’t know. They also had these random girls who would come into the center of the circle and dance like maniacs every so often. These dancers were eventually joined by some brave crowd members: children; some drunk 30-something couples; a girl wearing a hat, a scarf, and mittens even though it was 70 degrees; and a man who could be your father (or maybe your weird single uncle), dancing to the beat even though he had his own Walkman on. Here, take a look:

 
This all was great fun. We spent an hour or two just wandering around and watching people before realizing that it was almost midnight and maybe we should go, you know, drink. (We also got a bit disillusioned by the whole street performer thing when we found a five-year-old girl whose parents had very obviously trained her to sing and play the guitar for money. We agreed with some random boy who muttered “That’s great parenting,” and then Anne told us that that very boy had gotten arrested his freshman year for beating his girlfriend. Sweet.) We met up with some friends at a bar a little farther down Pearl, and when we stepped in, it actually felt like a different world. “Sexy Can I” and “Please Don’t Stop the Music” were playing in the background, girls were wearing “labia skimmers,” or dresses that should have been shirts (a crime which I was accidentally guilty of on Saturday), and everything was all dark and trendy. The contrast between these people and the strung-out hippies selling lanyards that appeared to be made of their own dreadlocks was striking.
 
Like I said, Boulder’s a weird place. If you’ve never been, go. Tell Zip Code Guy I said hello.

 

[Posted by Mallory]

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a little brainteaser for the weekend…

Cheers

My friends Kelsey, Sarah and I were talking today about the phrase “balls to the wall.” As Kelsey aptly put it, in what situation would anyone ever put their balls to the wall? Anyone know the origin of this nice little phrase? Help us out and post your insight.

And, dear readers? Let’s go balls to the wall this weekend.

UPDATE: Reader Mike has an answer for us:

The term “balls to the wall” is an old truckers term (there is a difference between a truck driver and a trucker) While on a “Hot” load (needed yesterday) the driver would be up driving all night, which us really tiring and they have to open their eyes real wide and have their (eye) balls to the wall (windshield) all night.

Sounds good to me. Thanks, Mike!

[Posted by Mallory]

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heaven’s waiting on down the tracks.

Courtesty of my friend Madeline, a little reminder of why we are all so obsessed with The Boss:

[Posted by Mallory]

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ahem. dunder mifflin, this is pam.

God

As I’ve mentioned, this summer I have been putting my college degree to good use by temping as a receptionist. Things can get pretty boring when the phones aren’t ringing and no one’s on gchat, so I have had to find more creative ways to keep myself occupied (mostly just by lowering my standards of things I find entertaining). My favorite activity is imagining that my office is actually as fun as Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch, complete with all of the characters. As a receptionist-temp, I’m a Pam-Ryan hybrid, minus Pam’s Jim (bummer, I know), and Ryan’s douchebagginess. This week my boss is kind of a Toby, a friendly low-talker. I really wish we had a Creed around here to keep things interesting.
 
Along with mastering Pam’s friendly, perky phone voice, I’ve learned a lot from my work as a receptionist. For starters, that I’m never supposed to actually call myself a receptionist. I am the all-important “Office Manager.” Maybe I’ll get business cards. I also finally learned how to work a fax machine, which is huge, and my rate of accidentally hanging up on people when using the fancy office phones has dramatically decreased. (Speaking of office technology, did you know that there’s a machine that folds letters in thirds for you? How great is that?!) I’ve learned how to say goodbye in secretary language: “Mmm buh-bye.” And that people have some really great names: I’ve spoken to a man with the last name of McCool, a dentist named Dr. Wyte (I have money on the fact that he made that up), a technician named James Bond, a fellow receptionist named Echo, and my friend got an email from my favorite so far, a Dr. Booger. Isn’t it fun being so immature?

One more thing:

Yummy

YUM.

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under post-college depression

ice cream trucks should sell these.

Looks like it’s consumer reports day here at Six Words To Change the World. Wonkette reported today that a chef in Alexandria invented a beer popsicle, or “brew pop.” Intriguing, no? Of course, there are all sorts of questions about how on earth these suckers could actually taste good, along with the whole alcohol-doesn’t-freeze thing (although, if you are studying abroad in Italy and buy some sort of cheap peach vodka because your roommates are pussies who can’t drink beer, then that will freeze. Just saying…). But apparently Jeff Morales, the executive chef at Rustico in Alexandria, found a way to make it work, and then Senator Patsy Ticer of Virginia worked very hard to pass a bill making sure these things are legal. I have to hope that if I was a chef, or a senator, I would spend my days toiling away to bring beer popsicles to the masses.

[Posted by Mallory]

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posh would never wear these things.

Now I’m aware that the fashion gods decided that platform shoes are in again. I also must acknowledge that I tend to love Free People, as it is a brand that enables my not-so-secret desire to be a hippie. (A fake, well-dressed hippie, of course.) But those shoes! Look at those things! I don’t think the Spice Girls would have even worn them back in the ’90s. And according to their description, they have a terrifying four-and-a-half inch heel. As a 5’11” girl with a general dislike for heels, height like that is enough to make me woozy. (The image that just popped into my brain as I pictured myself wearing the monstrosities: a just-born foal with its wobbly little legs, stumbling all over the place.) So uh, anyway, these shoes are hideous, happy Friday, and will someone please bring me a breakfast sandwich?

[Posted by Mallory]

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jamie lynn is officially a mother.

Jamie Lynn

There’s going to be a new famous tot on the playground: this morning Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl, whom she named Maddie Briann. (Excellent spelling there.) You know what this means, don’t you? Britty is an aunt.

[Posted by Mallory]

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the devil is in the details.

This morning, as I watched our country’s most legitimate television news show, The Today Show, Meredith Viera told me about a legal case that puts the McDonald’s hot coffee case of 1994 to shame. Fifty-two-year-old traffic cop Macrida Patterson is suing Victoria’s Secret over an injury she received FROM HER THONG. Her thong. Apparently, the rhinestone heart attached to Ms. Patterson’s “undergarment,” as her lawyer called it on the show, was attached by two staples. As Ms. Patterson was putting the thong on, one of these staples flew off and hit her in the eye, leaving her in “excruciating pain,” and in need of a dose of topical steroids. (By the way, the case was filed a full year after the incident occurred.)
 
Now, this story is funny enough as it is, but watching Meredith try to make a legitimate interview out of it was pure hilarity. And watching Ms. Patterson’s lawyer, Jason Buccat, trying to maintain some dignity while discussing the case was even better. (The defendant herself also seemed to be having a hard time keeping a straight face.) One of my favorite lines: When Meredith asked Macrida if this was the first time she’d worn the thong, Macrida replied with something along the lines of, “No, it was the second or third time I’d worn it. I have a lot of underwear from Victoria’s Secret so I don’t need to wear any of them too frequently.” The line that takes the cake, though, was from the mouth of proud lawyer Jason Buccat: “Victoria’s Secret does have its angels, but the devil is in the details.” How long do you think he spent working on that one?
 
I think the real lesson here is that rhinestone hearts do not belong on thongs (or on anything else, for that matter). If you’re rocking that kind of “undergarment,” you’re just asking for a corneal abrasion.

[Posted by Mallory]

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kurt vonnegut, so full of wisdom.

KV

I just love this guy:

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”  [Kurt Vonnegut]

[Posted by Mallory]

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oh mal, i don’t like blogs.

Mom

That is what my mother said to me this morning when I told her that Kathleen and I started a blog. The convo went a little something like this:

Me: “So, Mom, Kathleen and I started a blog.”
Mom [in hushed, dramatic voice]: “Oh Mal, I don’t like blogs.”
Me: “Sigh.”
Mom: “Can’t weird people, like, find you and get attached to you?”
Me: “Well, yes, but only if they find the article where I posted my social security number and home address.”
Mom: “Oh okay FINE.”
Me [in a display of maturity]: “Well, I’m just not going to tell you the name of it, then, so you can’t find it.”
Mom: “Is there something bad on it?!”
Me: “Yes, Mom. We’re running an amateur kiddie porn site. NO! We’re just writing about…you know, whatever we want to write about.”

Then I told her a little about the McCunt post, and the hilarious video to go along with it, and she laughed and said she wanted to read the blog. I think we’ve got a convert. 

[Posted by Mallory]

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