Category Archives: sex

things i should have posted earlier.

Yeah yeah yeah.  I know.  I could have posted it this weekend (or yesterday), but nerd statistics show that nobody reads the blog on the weekend anyway, proving that you all use this while you are being paid by your unsuspecting employers. I love it!

SNL had a really good weekend.  Another JT/Andy Samberg song.  Oh girl, I love me some JT.   And Samberg.  RAWR.  If you like “Dick in a Box”, you’ll like this one too:

[clearspring_widget title=”SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Digital Short: Motherlover” wid=”4727a250e66f9723″ pid=”4a096ba17ff67505″ width=”384″ height=”283″ domain=”widgets.nbc.com”]

So that’s what your coworker is singing that you had no idea about.  A big SWTCTW you’re welcome!  What a beautiful ode to Mother’s Day.  Oddly enough though, I won’t be showing that to my mom.

That was funny, now let’s get political and funny.  In case you didn’t know, we have the greatest most bestest president in the entire world!  He is hilarious!  Here is his speech at the annual White House Correspondent’s Dinner:

The best joke in here is a little inside, I know!  It’s the one he makes about John Boehner (pronounced like BAINER, not BONER) being a person of color.  John Boehner, the House Minority leader, has skin that particular shade of orange that only comes from fake tanning.  See?

He’s even oranger in person, if oranger is a word.

Wanda Sykes was also REALLY funny, but I can’t do all the work for you, so you need to look that up yourself.

I’m off to stalk the news and find funny stuff to post!  You know you love me.  XOXO, i forgot to blog this weekend girl.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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youtube clip of today: rap chop.

Remember Vince Offer?  The ShamWow! hooker puncher?  (His real name is actually Vince Schlomi.  Teehee.)  Well, here is remixed video of his Slap Chop infomercial, appropriately titled the “Rap Chop”.  The person who made this ABSOLUTELY has too much time on their hands, but it is funny.  Best part?  “You’re gonna love my nuts”.  Oh, Vince.  How the mighty infomercial spokesman have fallen.  And just for funsies, here is his mugshot.

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[Posted by Kathleen]

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jon, minus kate and 8, cheats.

jon-and-kate-gosselinSCROLL DOWN FOR STORY UPDATES

I just read some devastating, but kind of unsurprising, news.  Jon Gosselin of “Jon and Kate Plus 8” definitely cheated on Kate.  US Weekly has the whole story, which includes pictures.  The other woman is Deanna Hummel, a 23-year-old third grade teacher.  Her brother, Jason, lives with her and that’s why he can give all the juicy details.  And in case you’re wondering, he’s just trying to protect his sister, not get publicity for himself or somehow finagle money out of this.  Of course.

In fact, he’s trying to protect her so much that he takes away all of her privacy and any of her dignity with this gem of a quote:

A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.

Ick? Nast?  Gross.  I don’t really want to talk about the content of that quote, but I am obligated to point out that Jon isn’t “like, almost twice her age.”  He’s 32, and she’s 23.  He’s 14 years short of being twice her age.  Just sayin’.

This whole thing is a mess.

Two weeks ago, when pictures surfaced of Jon in a car with “the mystery woman” (it was Deanna) leaving a club, he made this statement.

“I went to Legends to speak to the owner.  A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car,” he says. “Yes, I have female friends — but that is all she is. I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV.”

Now Jon, that was stupid.  Kate is going to hit you extra hard now when you’re sitting in that big chair talking about your day and the lessons you learned.  Kate doesn’t like it when the kids lie, I doubt she’ll be very kind to you.

I wonder what TLC is going to do.  They said “no comment” on the story last time.   It’s all awful, and despite me thinking that Kate is really mean to Jon, there is no justification for his actions.  He doesn’t get a pass.  He has eight children under the age of seven.  What on earth was he thinking?  Did he think that nobody would recognize him?

I’m sad for the family, and most of all the children.  One of the things the Gosselin’s show was praised for is how “real” it is.  And we, their audience, really liked that.  Well, the scenes with the kids are real.  But the family dynamic is larger than just the day to day silliness of the kids.

Will this change the way you see the show?

Oh, and Aaden, if things get too tough at home, you can come live with me and Mallory.  We’ll raise you.  And get you a cuter pair of glasses.

UPDATED!

Here are the statements from Deanna Hummel and Jon Gosselin from People magazine:

“My brother is making this all up,” Hummel tells PEOPLE. “He has no credibility … I can’t even stomach the lies he’s saying about me.”  Hummel continues to deny any sort of romantic relationship with Gosselin, and the elementary school teacher admits that there’s been bad blood between her and her brother for a while now. “My brother is very shady,” says Hummel. “He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He’s on probation right now.”

“These allegations are false and just plain hurtful,” Gosselin says in a statement exclusively to PEOPLE. “As I adjust to the attention that comes from being in the public eye, I need to be more careful and aware of who I am associating with and where I am spending my time. But the bottom line is, I did not cheat on Kate.

And the plot thickens!

Here are the pictures.  Who do you believe?

gosselin_01

[Posted by Kathleen]

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the worst band EVER reunites. joy.

scott-stapp-looking-stupid-as-usual

Here is a quick piece of music news/a warning.  Remember Creed?  I’ll give you a moment while you cringe… are you okay?  Yeah, those guys.  Well, prepare for the second coming of the world’s worst faux-Christian rock band.  (Second coming.  Ha!  Get it?  Like Jesus?)

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Scott Stapp, the lead d-bag singer, calls the reunion a “a renewing and a rebirth”.  I would venture to say it’s more of “a remistake and a reterrible”.

There are going to be plenty of tour dates…if you really care.

The guys already have demos and are looking to all the money making producers to scrounge up a hit single for them.  Could we possibly see a Creed song featuring Timbaland?  Maybe?

But what about Scotty’s solo CD?!  He answers the most important question:

“It would be irresponsible for me to think about anything but Creed. This band is my first love and a first love that’s stood the test of time. It’s not hard to step away from any kind of personal agenda when you are totally fulfilled.”

A first love that stood the test of time… except when your band broke up for five years.  Now, call me crazy, but it seems like perhaps Mr. Stapp realized a reunion tour might be his only chance to make lots of dollars.  Maybe that’s what he means when he says totally fulfilled.

Some of you may wonder where all of this strong dislike for Creed comes from.  Well first of all, the music sucks.  But I think my real battle (if you couldn’t tell) is with Scott Stapp.  Rolling Stone forgets to mention a few things.  Creed broke up because Scott Stapp is a jerk.  And it was all downhill from there.  In 2006, he was arrested for public intoxication on the night of his wedding.  His 6 year old son was the best man.  Way to set a good example, Scott.  Then, he was arrested for domestic abuse in 2007.  Oh, and did you know he has a creepy sex tape with Kid Rock and a bunch of groupies on a bus?

KID ROCK.

Kid Rock and sex tape should not be in the same sentence.  Ever.

So there you have it.  You have been warned.  Now please excuse me, I’m going to go listen to some Taylor Swift.  THAT is music.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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surgery means like daughter, like mother.

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The tree didn’t fall far from the apple.  Like daughter, like mother.  Obviously these are backwards, but they kind of make sense for Janet and Jane Cunliffe.  Janet, the mother (and the one on the left), wanted so much to look like her daughter, that she spent about 15,000 bucks to do so.

The best thing to do with this story is to give you the quotes from the story, which appeared in one of the UK’s prestigious beacons of journalism, The Daily Mail.

‘It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she’s gorgeous. Who wouldn’t want to look like her?

‘The way I see it is that she got her looks from me in the first place – mine have just faded with age.

‘Seeing how attractive Jane is made me want to get my looks back. Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins. I had good genes and good skin, but I needed a helping hand to make me feel better about myself.’

Barmy indeed, Janet.  That’s a pretty expensive helping hand, wouldn’t you say?  Here’s something else that sort of got my attention.  The way she talks, you’d think she just got new boobies and a face lift or something.  Well, I know you’ve been dying to see what her “before” picture looks like.  FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS!

FIERCE!

FIERCE!

Janet’s first foray into plastic surgery was her boobs.  Apparently her husband was not too impressed, and with words worthy of a Pulitzer, The Daily Mail states:

Alas, the new breasts weren’t enough to save her marriage.

Brilliant writing!

So Janet and her husband divorce.  Janet moves to Spain with a lover.  Janet and her lover call it quits, so she has nowhere to go.  She moves in with her daughter, Jane.  She began to party with Jane and Jane’s friends.  The saggy saga continues.

‘Jane and her friends are so glamourous and gorgeous that I stood out like a sore thumb. I felt like an old bag,’ she says. ‘Jane told me not to be so self-critical, but I knew it was true.’

Jane didn’t say it was false…

‘I envied Jane’s crinkle-free eyes, full lips and luscious, long blonde hair,’ says Janet. ‘I was desperate to look more like my daughter, but knew no wrinkle creams could ever wind back the clock that far.’

Janet just had to do something!

‘I had some savings and knew if I wanted to look more like Jane then I’d have to get my eyes done first, and my nose.’

So now, when Janet and Jane go out, people think they look like sisters… or twins.  But I’d say those who call them twins have been drinking too much. Bleached hair and big boobs does not necessarily mean that they are twins.

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Another cute pic of the girls (notice that Jane is wearing the same outfit that Janet is wearing in the picture above!):

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And I’m speechless.

Apparently Jane doesn’t care and thinks her mom looks better than Madonna, but I’m not so sure.  I mean, how would you feel?  Sure, people get plastic surgery– that doesn’t bother me.  If that’s what they need to do to feel better, then alright.  But I think it’s a little bizarre that a mother would get plastic surgery to look like her daughter.  It just seems…odd.  Am I wrong here?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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hey ladies, it’s national cleavage day!

picture-1Stick ’em out and push ’em up, ladies, because it’s National Cleavage Day 2009!  In South Africa.  Haha.  While we don’t officially celebrate the holiday here in the good old US of A, I’m sure some exceptions can be made if it really resonates with you.

Now I know you are thinking that some pervy dude who still lives in his parent’s basement came up with this holiday so that on the one day he actually stops playing video games and watching porn, he can see some real cleavage.  I mean, that’s what I thought.  In fact, it’s sponsored by Wonderbra and Cosmo and some proceeds from the day are dedicated to a good cause.  You think I’m kidding?  Here is the Web site:

http://www.wonderbra.co.za/nationalcleavageday.aspx

And even more reliable, the Wiki.

Wonderbra’s slogan for the day made me laugh out loud. “Firm supporter of the left and the right”.  Five points to Gryffindor!  Errr…or whichever Hogwarts house the creator of that phrase is in.

So do whatever you need to do to make it happen.  And I think it would be extremely appropriate to pour yourself a nice glass of Cleavage Creek wine

Also, since the girls might be exposed today, you should seriously consider purchasing a Tiddy Bear.  What the hell is that, you ask?  A Tiddy Bear is my newest infomercial obsession.  Observe– A Tiddy Bear:

Can you even live without this?  You need to protect your “shoulder”.

Happy Cleavage Day, y’all!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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bikini jeans make my soul weep.

These actually render me wordless (which rarely happens), so I’ll just post the pictures.

bikini-jeans1

2_5makethumbWowie.

Wow.

Wow.

PS-  If you want to buy these beauties and just love the idea of a built in sparkly whale’s tail, they’re made by Sanna’s of Brazil and they’re only a hundred bucks!  So sexxxxxxxy.  You’ll for sure be the flyest girl at the club!  Bye bye Banana Republic, hello Sanna’s!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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joe the plumber says he’s “horny”.

As much as I hate to contribute to it by writing about it, I’m always interested when Joe the Plumber manages to extend his 15 minutes of fame– even if only for a millisecond.  How on earth does he do it?!  Well this new JTP blip on the media screen is fairly hilarious.  Thank you WashPo’s The Sleuth for the important news!  Joe recently spoke at the Media Research Center’s “DisHonors Awards”.  I know you’re DYING to know what that is; it sounds gripping!  Apparently all the people who hate democracy get in one room to slam the liberal media.  Doesn’t that sound fun?  Umm…boooooooring.  So good old Joe the Plumber/Journalist gets up there to accept some bogus award about really sticking it to the socialists.  Naturally, the neocons are clapping for this pure paradigm.  He eloquently expresses his humble appreciation:

“God, all this love and everything in the room – I’m horny,” declared Joe, whose real name is Samuel Wurzelbacher.

And cue the chirping crickets.  Rawr?

When you get that special feeling, Joe, you should just go on home, slip into something more comfortable (but really, is there anything more comfortable than the JTP flannel shirt?  I don’t think so!), light some cheap smelling candles, pour yourself a fine glass of boxed wine and run a nice bubbly wubbly bubble bath for yourself.  But for the love of all things holy and sacred, DO NOT tell your sexually oppressed conservative friends how you feel!

I was going to go off on a HUGE multiple-paragraph tangent about the so-called liberal media but I’m going to keep this as short as possible…aka one paragraph.  Guess what, folks?  The liberal media smear is spin concocted to protect the Bush Administration and its followers from the press.  By turning the American people against the press, the news stories– which contained the truth — were seen as biased and became irrelevant.  But reporting on the horrors of war and unveiling the lies of the government is not liberal bias, it’s the job of the press.  Take Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann out of the equation now, please, because they have equal and opposite forces named O’Reilly and Hannity.  We’re talking about the journalists whose names you do not know.  There is an unspoken vow among journalists to bring the truth to the people– a sort of Hippocratic Oath, if you will.  Challenging and questioning a president, Congress, the government, or taking on the rest of the media?  That is their function in society.  If the media were so liberal, we would have had a Democratic president years ago.  Trust me.  I’m appalled that the liberal media excuse and tactic is still being used and people are still buying it.  (McCain lost.  Sarah Palin sucked.  Get over it.  It was their fault.)  Now that Obama is president, the press will do its job to report everything that goes on.  In fact, Obama seems to be losing the media fight when it comes to selling his economic plan, is he not?  Not so liberal afterall…And I’m spent!

Now back to the important stuff.  A most appropriate music video in honor of JTP:

And one last uber-serious thought:  Has Akon ever sang about something other than sexytime?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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the hawaii chair trumps the snuggie.

Now I know all you Snuggsters are going to take issues with me on this one.  But the Hawaii Chair informercial is WAY better than the Snuggie.

The “Oh my gosh!  This is amazing!” girl…is she serious?  Does she realize that she sounds like she’s…well, whatever.  Honestly I could go on for ages about the hilariousness, but I’m going to let the master handle this one:

❤ Ellen!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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a picture is worth 1,000 laughs.

From the newest issue of Vanity Fair:

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And the original?

cusl12_hollywood0702

I’ll take Seth Rogen anyday. (Especially now that he’s super duper foxy svelte for his role as the Green Hornet and my inexplicable attraction to him pre-toned up is now somewhat justified.) RAWR.

You’re welcome!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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