by | July 25, 2008 · 3:21 am

everybody has seen his teenie weenie.

One time, my roommate painted me naked for one of her art projects. Before you think this is really scandalous, let me clarify- I was wearing a bra and she made up my boobs. (One night, after having a little too much wine, I went on and on about how she painted them saggy. They are, in real life and the painting, anything but. HA!) As part of her project’s theme, she censored my face. The painting was picked up by one of our university’s academic journals, and suddenly, fliers of my body were all around school. Everywhere I looked I saw myself. And even though you couldn’t see my face, I felt like I was in that dream where you are naked in front of the entire school. Because I was. Anyway, that’s a long introduction to what I really want to talk about. Imagine if you were on the cover of an album that represented an entire generation, naked. So basically, naked in front of the entire universe.

Meet Spencer Elden. Well, you’ve already met him. In the quasi-intimate sense. He’s the baby on Nirvana’s famous “Nevermind” album, floating merrily along reaching for that dolla dolla bill, ya’ll.

And NPR (I love love love NPR) did a story on him.

“Quite a few people in the world have seen my penis,” he says from his home in Los Angeles. “So that’s kinda cool. I’m just a normal kid living it up and doing the best I can while I’m here.”

You know what, that is kinda cool. Power to you, man. Wonder what it’s like to be him on a daily basis?

“My friend is all like, ‘Hey I saw you today.’ And I’m like, ‘Dude, I was working all day.’ And he’s like, ‘No, I went to Geffen Records, and you’re on the floor and you’re floating and I stepped on your face. ‘Cause I guess they have like a floating thing where people can like walk on me and stuff … so it’s kinda cool,” he says.

That’s kinda cool too, Spencer. He might just be one of the most non-famous famous kids out there. And he’s kind of kickass. Badass too, because his parents sent him to military school for a bit. Here he is now, all growed up:

Read the piece on this kid. He doesn’t just smell like teen spirit, he reeks of it. Kurt Cobain would be proud, dude.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 25, 2008 · 12:54 am

who knew loan applications were funny?

So I’m filling out a loan application, and the official loan papers have some specific requirements for certain states. Most of them say stuff about attorney’s fees that I don’t understand, but the state-specific rule for Alabama was pretty simple. It said only this:

“CAUTION — IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU THOROUGHLY READ THE CONTRACT BEFORE YOU SIGN IT.”

Excellent.

Okay now I’m off to drink margaritas and watch The Breakfast Club at Red Rocks. Be jealous.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 11:53 pm

stop this giant from mocking god!

 

I’m pretty open about the fact that I’m obsessed with the snarky political commentary site Wonkette. Recently, I’ve been loving their mockery of the American Family Association’s efforts to Boycott McDonald’s. (Background on Wonkette’s mockery here; link to the Boycott McDonald’s website here.) Basically, McDonald’s donated some money to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, a bunch of self-righteous, intolerant people got angry, and these people decided to clog their arteries at another establishment. They are encouraging their fellow Christians to boycott America’s favorite fast food restaurant with persuasive, well-written comments like these:

“I`m sorry that you have made the decision that heterosexul folks such as i are not welcome in your resturants any longer. i will not argue your decision. By giving your resturants sapport to the homosexual groups you have told me my believes and lifestyle are not yours and i`m not welcome in your resturants anylonger.”

The group’s latest — and by far, most hilarious — weapon is this gem of a video:

Eh, we were always Wendy’s girls here at SWTCTW.  Mmm, Baconator.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 11:24 pm

something borrowed, something blue, something…botoxed?

We’ve discussed plastic surgery a little here at SWTCTW. As I mentioned in this post,I think plastic surgery trends are getting a leetle nuts these days, and my thoughts and fears were confirmed by one of today’s New York Times articles. In “It’s Botox For You, Dear Bridesmaids,” Abby Ellin talks about the latest fad in plastic surgery: brides encouraging and/or paying for their bridesmaids to get everything from Botox to boob jobs.

To begin with, I’m the kind of girl who thinks that over-the-top weddings are unnecessary. I know that many women want their wedding to be the best day ever and are happy to spend bajillions of Daddy’s dollars on the perfect ceremony, but I just don’t see the point. Give me an “I do”, a cake, and a party with an open bar, and I’ll be happy. But all those things aside, plastic surgery for bridesmaids strikes me as out-of-this-world absurd. In the article, the brides who want to Botox their BFFs seem to want to do it as a gift. As 35-year-old bride-to-be Kasey Knauer explains:

“Giving them a bracelet isn’t as special as spending an evening together. Plus, as you get older, everyone is more conscientious about their skin and appearance,” she said. “Giving them something for themselves — as opposed to something that they’ll never wear again — is more meaningful.”

And I guess if her bridesmaids are the kind of people who would want Botox anyway, that is a pretty nice gift. Still, the whole thing strikes me as a little Stepford wife-y. As in, “My bridesmaids will wear perfect matching dresses, they will be skinny, and they will NOT be wrinkled. Smile, girls!.”

Other brides are encouraging their bridesmaids to get their teeth whitened or go tanning before the wedding so that they all look more or less the same. One bride took things a little far:

…two women were claustrophobic and couldn’t bear standing in a tanning capsule. “They asked the bride if they could use regular tanning cream from a salon,” Ms. Goldberg said. The bride refused; she wanted everyone to be the same shade. The women ultimately declined to be bridesmaids. “Friendships of 20-plus years gone over a spray tan?” Ms. Goldberg said. “Sad!”

By that logic, I’d have to make my token Asian friend work the guest book. Sorry, Walsher.

Even more disturbing than the Botox and the tanning, some brides are requesting that their bridesmaids get breast implants:

Becky Lee, 39, a Manhattan photographer, declined when a friend asked her — and five other attendants — to have their breasts enhanced. “We’re all Asian and didn’t have a whole lot of cleavage, and she found a doctor in L.A. who was willing to do four for the price of two,” said Ms. Lee, who wore a push-up bra instead.

Call me old-fashioned, but if a friend asked me to get a boob job for her wedding, I think I’d be insulted. Getting me into an unflattering dress would be hard enough, but getting me to go under the knife? Ha! What happened to mani/pedis and lunch with the girls?

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 10:25 pm

twisters in the granite state. eek.

There were terrible storms, tornadoes and floods today in my home state of New Hampshire. While most of this was happening, I was happily perched on my couch with my trusty MacBook on my lap and Chinese Crested Hairless dog at my side, totally and utterly oblivious to the devastation–until I got frantic phone calls from my loved ones. “Are you okay?! Are you in the basement?!” Wait, what? Oh there’s a tornado you say? And it’s headed towards me?! My ignorance had been bliss as I was watching Project Runway and Shear Genius reruns and blogging away. And as much as I hate to admit it, I got a little scared.

I flipped on our news channel, WMUR, and sure enough, things were bad. Obviously the first thing that came to my mind was the movie Twister. If I can connect anything to a movie, song, or something political, count on it.

God, that movie is good. I can still feel the adrenaline rush from the first time I saw it, and I’ve seen it approximately 900 times since then. I had dreams of cruising around in an old van with Dusty (who makes my list of coolest fictional movie characters and is oddly attractive to me), singing and searching for twisters. Perhaps I, too, would get to see a cow casually go by. Ahh, good times. But as I was grabbing my dog and running to the basement it hit me: this movie romanticizes something that in real life is very scary.

The truth is, my experience was neither traumatic nor dramatic. After some time of hanging out in my cold and unfinished basement, things were fine. Sadly, people in the town of Epsom had a much harder time. I’m very fortunate, because the only thing I really have to talk about is a Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton movie. New Hampshire is in a state of emergency, so keep the state in your prayers. A lot of people need it. To read about it, click here. I feel very lucky right now.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 10:18 pm

on bears, beets, and battlestar galactica.

You people may not know this, but I am an extremely mature human being. (Perhaps you gathered that from my previous posts.) In fact, I am so mature that last night I went out and had only ONE glass of wine! This is historic! Sure, I may have also eaten Smartfood for not one but two meals earlier that day, and maybe I stole the wine I was drinking from my mom, and maybe I drank my glass of wine while trying to one-up my new Denver friends with fratty college stories, but that is beside the point. And the point is, I drank in moderation and then went to work the next day. Which means I am basically an adult.

Speaking of work, guess what I did today? I know what you’re thinking, but I didn’t get a chance to end the war in Iraq or invent a kind of cheese that doesn’t make you fat (there’s always tomorrow). I did, however, get to stuff checks into envelopes for nearly six hours. The thing is, I was REALLY good at stuffing the checks into the envelopes. I don’t mean to brag, but other people actually complimented me on my speed. Just saying. Perhaps I’ll nix the grad school plan and find a way to use my envelope-stuffing skills full time.

Anyway, here’s a photo of my coworker and me taking a break:

In other news, it’s almost Friday! YAY!

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 4:41 pm

youtube clip of today: magic hands.

This video is just cool. I cannot make a hand shadow puppet that looks like anything other than a creature with a big mouth and huge eyes. It resembles no real animal, but it’s all I got. But whoever did this is amazing, and probably has even more time on their hands than I do.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 4:25 pm

richard simmons: sweatin’ to the congress?

Here is a delightful thought for your Thursday afternoon! Fitness master and supreme god of the tacky workout videos Richard Simmons alluded to his dreams of someday being a member of the US Congress. He’s already at the Capitol–today he testified to the House Education and Labor Committee about childhood obesity. Here is what went down. This, of course, comes from CNN’s Political Ticker.

In a half-serious, half-jocular tone, Simmons described his approach to the hearing, saying, “I want to have the respect of a congressman, I want to talk like a congressman, and maybe, someday, I’ll be a congressman.”

But you already have our respect RS! People don’t respect congressmen and women that much. In fact, they are the least liked branch of government! I bet more people watch your workout videos (god love them) than C-SPAN. Then, he cited Jesse Ventura as an example of celebrity-gone-politician. Just me, but if I was going to make a case for that, I don’t think I would use “The Body” as my example. Maybe Ronald Reagan? Whatev. He continued,

“After this congressional hearing, I will go home,” Simmons said, “I will talk with my Dalmatian dogs, I will pray to God and then I’ll see what else I can do to help.”

He would have dalmatians. And he would talk to them.

I personally think it would be kind of fun to have him in the House, as long as he’s right on with his policy and votes the way I want him to. Haha. I mean, this man has made millions of middle-aged people get off the couch and sweat to oldies, all while prancing around saying “I’m a pony! I’m a pony!” in short shorts. If elected, do you think he would wear a suit? The idea of Richard Simmons in anything other than shorts shorts just seems…unethical. That aside, just think of all the things he could inspire his fellow members of Congress to do! To prove how Richie can move mountains, I found a youtube video of his epic workout tapes, but somebody updated it and put it to the greatest song ever recorded–“Walk It Out” by DJ Unk. Haha. Anyway, enjoy. And in the great words of JFK, ask not what your country can do for you, but what Richard Simmons can do for your country.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 24, 2008 · 7:37 am

meet the fuwa: fugly olympic mascots.

Politics of it aside, I totally have Olympic fever (obvious, I know.) And for some bizarre reason, the mascot of each Olympic games is a huge deal. The only mascot I ever remember is from the Atlanta games, because it was just that ugly. Also, I was interviewed on the streets of Philly by the local news and asked to describe it. At the tender age of 10, I oh-so-eloquently described it as a “deformed duck”. Blame it on my youth, but at the time I neglected to call it what it most closely resembled–a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air styled big blue slug. I feel it is important to note that it was also referred to as “sperm in sneakers”. I snickered at that one. Here is Izzy, world’s fugliest Olympic mascot:

The name Izzy, by the way, comes from “Whatizit?”. Haha. How 90s (read: tacky/lame/awesome/those shoes) is that?

Anyway, the Wall Street Journal (which I usually never read, by the way. Too business like and boring. But it was about the Olympics, so…) had an interesting piece yesterday about the Beijing Games’ Mascots. All five of them. So these monsters are called the Fuwa. But I’m just going to say it now because it needs to be said and it is so painfully obvious: THEY LOOK LIKE FREAKING POKEMON. Here they are, gotta catch ’em all!:

According to the artist, who is not feeling so good about his work, these are children–with animal qualities. On which planet, buddy? Because the second one looks legit straight up panda to me. I bet the other children at school make fun of him. And force him to eat bamboo. Oh, and what in god’s name is the yellow one, you ask? A golden lucifer? Beijing Olympic Mr. Tumnus, perhaps? Well, duh, it’s a Tibetan antelope. But wait a second…aren’t Tibet and China in some sort of political conflict? And I thought antelopes were in Africa? Nah, nevermind.

So what do you think of these? Will you collect them all? And how pumped are you for the Olympics? By the way, the start date is August 8, 2008. Or, more cleverly and easily marketed, 08.08.08. Nice.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 23, 2008 · 7:17 pm

it kinda paid off for monica.

Ah, don’t you love Stuff White People Like? Ol’ Christian Landers doesn’t post new entries very often, but when he does, I read, I laugh, I sigh and realize that I’m totally that white person he’s writing about. His latest entry, #105, is about unpaid internships:

White people view the internship as their foot into the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, non-profits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside of these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.

Last summer I turned down a full-time business-y job that would have paid me so that I could work part-time at a non-profit that could barely pay its employees, let alone its interns. Also, I was hoping to make my father even more irritated with me by continuing to make no money. Ever. It worked.

[Posted by Mallory]

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