the weirdest thing i’ve ever read.

Here at SWTCTW, we do our best to find the news– whether it be the most ridiculous, the quirkiest, the funniest, or just the plain old news, we’ll write about it.  And goodness gracious do I have a story for you.  Hands down, this is the MOST bizarre thing I’ve read on the internet.  And you all know I stalk the hell out of the internet just for funsies, so I’ve seen a LOT.  This story might make you taste the last thing you ate on its way up, so be warned.

Texas Death Row Inmate Pulls Out Eye, Eats it

I can’t even think of something snarky to say!  But I do have to ask, even with mental illness, what makes you look at your eyeball and think “that’s going to taste good!”?

Oh, sidenote.  While Google Imaging pictures of eyeballs, I came across a piece about eyeball tattoos.  Christ on a bicycle!  That’s disgusting!  But read it, you know you have a sick curiousity… and then store it away in your interesting-things-to-talk about-at-cocktail-parties file.  Or not.  Your choice.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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to cry face, smartfood, and pedicabs.

Because I miss my best friend, and because she is a phenomenal Cry Facer, and because I haven’t posted a Hump Day Cry Face for way too long…

kelsey

I swear, she’s pretty in real life. And if a pretty person can look this ugly, well, that’s a good Cry Face.

[Posted by Mallory]

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when our work’s done for us.

Um,

Joe the Plumber becomes war reporter.”

That is funniest six-word headline I’ve seen all year! Because it is a joke! Right? Right? RIGHT?!

Ha ha ha ha no. It’s not a joke. Our economy has tanked, a hockey mom who doesn’t know a predicate from a condom was selected as a vice presidential candidate, and Joe the Plumber is going to Israel to be a war correspondent. 

According to Wonkette and the Australian newspaper that penned that knee-slapper of a six-word headline, Joe the Plumber is headed to Israel on the behalf of Pajamas Media to report on the recent outbreak of conflict in the Gaza Strip:

Wurzelbacher said he was going to let “Average Joes” share their stories and get the real story of what is happening.

“It’s tragic, I mean it really is,” Wurzelbacher told Ohio television station WNWO.

“I don’t say that in any little way. It’s very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do?” 

Wurzelbacher said he was not concerned about heading into a warzone for a 10 days. 

“Being a Christian I’m pretty well protected by God I believe. That’s not saying he’s going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance,” he told WNWO.

And then, as if he has been taking public speaking lessons from Sarah Palin herself, he continues:

“If given the opportunity to do some good however minute it may be, or could be something really good, you gotta take that chance. You have to do it,” Wurzelbacher said of his new job.

Excuse me while I go put on my nightgown

[Posted by Mallory]

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bennifer have nameless but beautiful child.

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Jennifer Garner popped out baby numero dos yesterday– a baby girl.  Little Violet is a big sister! Awwwww.  I wish that I could tell you the name of the no doubt bound to be gorgeous spawn of Jen and Ben (RAWR!), but alas, they either don’t have a name or it has not been revealed.  Usually celebrity baby names are great fuel for blogging, but I think these two like to go traditional.  What would you name their child?

UPDATED:  The baby’s name is Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.  Maybe not as traditional as I expected! I like it!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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who’s the girl wearing my dress?

I’m in love with this Regina Spektor song right now:

(And please excuse that really awkward freeze frame. I couldn’t find a good live version.)

[Posted by Mallory]

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department of things that are unsurprising.

Kathleen and I are currently sitting next to each other on my couch, wearing matching J.Crew yoga pants, typing on our matching elitist white MacBooks, with our matching jaunty ponytails, watching The Daily Show and playing on the Internets. Could we BE any more DC right now? Or any more liberal? Or any more elitist? Maybe, but only if there was a life-size cutout of Barry sitting between us, wrapped in a down comforter.

[Posted by Mallory]

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just six words and a picture.

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Tony says PETA is grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Errr…

or

Little Timmy wants a new cat.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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all hail the naked vail skier.

Picture your most humiliating nightmare.  Perhaps you are naked in front of a crowd.  Mine might involve looking like I was 13 again.  You’re thinking about it now.  Mortifying, is it not?  Well some poor dude in Vail lived a very imaginative nightmare.  Like the only funny scene from an unbearably unfunny Jim Carrey movie, he found himself dangling upside down from a ski lift san pants with his dangly parts totally exposed in the frigid cold.  Errr… here are the pictures.  You can’t make this shit up.

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HAHAHAHA

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And finally, he is showed some mercy.

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Stifle your laughter, fools!  The man suffered from exposure!  Okay, you can giggle, because it is comedy of the absurd.

According to the press release, he was suspended for about seven minutes.  NOT seven minutes in heaven, I’m sure.  Pantsless man, I know nothing we, your fellow Americans, can ever do will erase the pain of this ordeal, but I propose that any time you go to a bar, your drinks are free.  But you know who I feel worst for?  His kid.  Sitting right next to him.  Hahaha. oh dear.  Therapy much?

[Posted by Kathleen]

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youtube clip of today: heineken fridge.

I rarely find beer commercials funny, but this one did make me laugh a little.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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you like my new fake bag?

louis-vuitton-neverfull

Every time I see a Louis Vuitton bag I just assume that it’s fake and you bought it on the street for 40 bucks.  I can’t tell if you paid the full price for it, and I don’t care.  Americans LOVE buying the fake stuff.  I bought a fake Longchamp bag in Turkey for 12 bucks.  (Because it was fake, I pronounced it Long Champ…like it SHOULD be pronounced.  Silly French.)  Anyway, whenever people would compliment my bag, I’d automatically tell them it was a fake.  I mean, why should I pretend like it was real?  That is my pet peeve about counterfeit items–when people act like they’re real.

My pet peeve is one of the reasons I have great admiration for a new shopping center in China.  This shopping center is all about counterfeit items and is totally unapologetic.  They proudly and purposefully spell things differently so as to avoid legal trouble, and it is HILARIOUS.  God love ’em.  For example, you can eat a pizza at a Pizza Huh.  Huh?   I mean, what?  No, not a Pizza Hut, a Pizza Huh.  Regardless, I’m sure you still have the shits “stomach issues” for hours post-gorge.  After your delicious fake pizza, you can enjoy a fake coffee at Bucksstar and buy a “Naik” sweatshirt.  Just do it!  No but seriously, would you do it?  For pictures and a legitimate news story, click here.

Are the Chinese on to something?  Is the answer to consumerism, or is it perpetuating it?  Whoa deep thoughts.  I need something mindless…maybe I’ll catch up on some GG.  You know you love me.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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