Tag Archives: celebrity gossip

when our work’s done for us.

Just as Mallory posted a headline due to its six word memoir quality, I am going to do the same.  It is now officially a regular feature at SWTCTW. This one, brought to us by fellow masters of snark, Page Six, is really quite good. It refers to the former (thank GOD) Mrs. McCartney’s publicist quitting on her. Michele Elyzabeth, her jilted mouthpiece, said:

On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British Press has reported about her.

Ouch, that sucks. Especially since the Brits (God love them and their humor/humour) are especially vicious when reporting the news and celebrity gossip.

Anyway, here is Page Six’s headline/six word memoir.

“Heather loses her P.R. leg, too”

Snap!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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tales from my morning news stalk.

Good mornnnnnnnnnnning! I have completed my morning news/gossip stalk, and because blogging about each of these would take all day I’m putting it all together in one glorious post. Don’t you judge me.

So now we find out that Jesse Jackson not only threatened the testicles of Saint Barack, he used the N-word too. Ohhh, no you did not! Here is what he said: “See, Barack been, um, talking down to black people on this faith-based – I wanna cut his nuts out. … Barack – he’s talking down to black people — telling n——s how to behave.” Bill O’Reilly, who broke the original story said they didn’t use this part because it was unnecessary. He called the person who leaked this (they don’t know who it is…yet) a “weasel” (that’s the pot calling the kettle black, Billy!) and then put the fear of God in us all but especially the poor sniveling soul that will eventually be homeless and miserable– “I have the waterboard over here. … We’ll find out.” As some of my friends say, “things that are unsurprising.”  You can read what I had to say before we learned Jesse dropped the N-bomb here.

But speaking of Barack, he pulled in a mere $52 Million for this quarter. No big deal. The Wonkette headline made me giggle: Hope Rides In On A $52 Million Unicorn. I assume the unicorn reference came from JibJab’s new video, which you can watch if you click here. Thoughts? Not as good as the Bush/Kerry one from 2004. But whatev.

One woman went for 20 years not knowing she had two monstrous tumors. When I say monstrous, I mean it. The tumors were just removed and she is now 140 lbs. lighter. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS. Damn, girl. Maybe there are two tumors where my love handles are? I should get that checked out.

Tonight should be amazing for political dorks who love great American pastimes in DC. It is the yearly Congressional baseball game, where all the politicians look to appear cool and revert back to their high school days. That’s right, the Republican congressmen and the Democratic congressmen, in a rivalry almost as intense as the Red Sox and Yankees, play each other. This is usually humiliating for the Dems, as the Republicans win every year. BUT DEMOCRATS ARE GOOD AT SPORTS TOO, OKAY?!

In TeeVee news, Scrubs is coming back for another season! Hoooray! Katherine Heigl managed to keep her miserable character on Grey’s for another season.

And for movies, The Dark Knight opens soon. Read anything on it, and they tell you that Heath was amazing. HEEEEEEEEEATH. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I can’t wait. Also, Mal posted about ScarJo’s singing, so I felt this is a little relevant: Defamer made a list of the Top Ten Unlikely Vocal Performances from Non-Singing Actors. Ugh, I HATE Tom Cruise. He deserves to be on no list other than Top Creepiest Person of All Time.

Happy news stalking!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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family feud: the brady bunch style.

Even the most perfect TV family is not so perfect- in real life. Florence Henderson, who played Mrs. Brady, and Christopher Knight, who played Peter Brady, are in a bit of a tiff. For those of you that aren’t VH1 whores like me and my friends, Christopher Knight met “America’s Next Top Model” winner Adrianne Curry (Tyra, girl, you messed that one up.) on “The Surreal LIfe”. They fell in love, apparently. “The Surreal Life”, by the way, is the most disasterous/repulsive of all celebrity reality shows. I’m willing to bet that 5/8 members have had a sex tape released on the internet. Yeah Mini-Me, I’m talking about you. The other beautiful coupling that has been derived from this show was Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav. Give me a second, I need to go vomit.

Anyway, Knight and Curry went on to have their own reality show, “My Fair Brady”. To the genius that thought of the title: ouch. You slay me. And as you can imagine, hilarity, disaster and severe marital dysfunction have ensued.

So Flo told reporters last week that their marriage was a mistake and that they were pressured into it by the reality show, etc. She said, “They didn’t take my advice at all! And as you may have seen, they did get engaged and they did get married. Maybe I will counsel the divorce.” Let the record state that she is a certified hypnotherapist and the terrible twosome had asked for her help.

Naturally, Peter Brady is mad at Mommy. But guess what Peter/Christopher, old Flo (who now does denture commercials) is RIGHT. Adrianne Curry is a mess, and not in the hot Project Runway Christian Siriano way. And here is how you know things are really bad: he responded to his fake mom’s comments via his MYSPACE page. Ugh! Haha.

It is no secret Florence and Adrianne do not see eye to eye. In truth, I can empathize with both sets of views. But….in the struggle I have hoping one day these two women will bridge their generation and philosophical differences, calling my marriage a sham helps so very little.

I put forth the hope that opne day both Adrianne and Florence, both of whom have played an integral role in my life, will find a way to come together in a peaceful and respectful way. In the mean time, the sanctity of my marriage should not be called into question.”

Whatever, dude. You can’t expect to “marry” and reality TV train wreck and not have anybody watch or comment!

I’m anxiously looking forward to the rest of the Brady family getting involved. Man, this would have been a great episode.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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oh she’s just being miley! hmm…

That girl did it again! Miley, why haven’t you learned that Disney stars taking naughty pictures never turns out well? Did Vanessa’s super hot pictures to Zac teach you nothing?! Did your first couple of episodes with naughty pictures teach you nothing?! Well, since you all are a bunch of pervs and it’s kind of funny, here they are– the newest scandalous pictures hacked from sweet, innocent Miley. She’s 15. How those hackers do it, I will never know.

Miley, all I have to say is you are no Annie Liebovitz. Come on! The lighting is ALL wrong. And the poses? A little amateur, don’t you think? What would your best friend Leslie say? (Lame joke, sorry). Mallory and I were talking about this too–where exactly is she? A high school locker room, perhaps?

It must suck growing up and making mistakes when you’re in the limelight, but as our genius president, George W. Bush once remarked, “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once – shame on – shame on you. You fool me, you can’t get fooled again.”

That should clear things up for you, M.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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miss usa crystle stewart wipes out.

Readers, here is something for your Monday morning. Enjoy! Even beauty queens have bad days…

As if the world couldn’t think America was any dumber, we were shamed at the Miss Universe pageant, the Olympics of Beauty, for the second year in a row. Here is what the UK’s Times Online had to say (why are Brits so much funnier even in their news ledes?!):

For the second year in succession, the American entrant in the Miss Universe pageant failed to meet the crucial challenge of walking and smiling at the same time.

Crystle Stewart, from Texas, tripped and fell on stage at the global beauty contest today, just as Miss USA did last year. She failed to make the final, which was won by Miss Venezuela, a former kidnap victim.

Failed to meet the crucial challenge of walking and smiling? HAHA. But seriously, don’t sweat it girl, because you weren’t going to beat a kidnap victim anyway. I mean, COME ON, that’s intense and she deserves to win. Here she is. Rawr.

And I know I said America was shamed earlier, but I was being sarcastic (shocker, I know). I can totally relate to Crystle because I take diggers all the time. So Crystle, I know that you are probably curled up on your bed with tons of decorative pillows, eating full bricks of chocolate and watching Pride and Prejudice (the six A&E hour version) with mascara running down your face but I want you to know it’s going to be okay. You’re still incredibly hot and you still probably want world peace, so get out there and do it. We still love you! And probably didn’t know who you were before this.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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sick curiosity will make you look.

ABC News has a lot of quality news stories–and plenty of slideshows for those who don’t like to read a lot. Not a lot to say about this (disappointing, I know), but it’s a slideshow of famous actors and when they lost their virginity. Some of them are believable- like Johnny Depp. Rawr! Others…not so much. Flav? Seriously? What was that girl thinking? Happy viewing/reading, you sick group of perverts! Good morning!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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just six words and a picture.

Here is Mariah Carey (or should I say Mrs. Nick Cannon. How did that happen? Drumline was so good!) on the August cover of Elle Magazine. Wowie.

All hail the power of Photoshop.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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