This is a great pranking your significant other/one-upping their jokes youtube video. I mean, almost a million people have viewed it. That’s pretty good payback. The best, by far, is the Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel battle with Matt and Ben. WHY OH WHY DID YOU ALL HAVE TO BREAK UP?! Think about the children! (Like me).
Anyway, while you are watching, just know that no animals were harmed in the making of this. I only have one complaint: it mentions MySpace. And you all know how much I abhor the MySpaces.
By the way, if I see my precious Dr. Seuss in a video similar to this in the slightest, I’m coming after you. You know who you are.
Our former Democratic presidential nominee, Sen. John Kerry is also a real partier. Or so these pictures, dug up by TMZ, would suggest. But here’s the thing–I don’t believe what the pictures suggest.
Because let’s face it, if you’re black out drunk and you run into anyone, and I mean ANYONE you know, you’re going to make them take pictures with you. And they, by default, will appear plastered as well. If you don’t believe me, please refer to Mallory’s cry face photos. I don’t know how to put this delicately, but John Kerry also has a permanent case of the drunk eyes. It’s not his fault. So basically, I believe the statement from his office:
“As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story.”
These biddies, according to TMZ, are sophomores and juniors in college. But they’re also constituents! And, it has been reported, one of them was drinking out of a (gasp!) penis straw. Sophomores and juniors, you say? Yeah, that sounds about right.
So here are some of the pictures. What do you think?
The girl in the green dress has made a spectacular collegiate showing in these photos. I’d personally like to extend my congratulations and sheer appreciation that she wisely chose to wear underwear that night. I’d also like to send my condolences to you, dear girl, because now everybody that goes on the internet knows you’re a sloppy drunk/the annoying girl that makes dumb faces in EVERY FREAKING PHOTO. (You all know the kind of girl I’m talking about.)
So despite thinking the photos aren’t that big of a deal, please, make all the jokes you want, because John Kerry looks like real Democratic, um, donkey. (Read: he looks like a huge ass.) These pict-chas are hysterical. If this was me and my girrrrrrls, helllllz yeah, I wouldn’t just Facebook ’em, I’d tag ’em too! Which means I’m serious.
And here is my final thought. Even if he is partying with a bunch of college sluts like a huge douche, whatever. At least he’s partying. Because we all know the Republican party is neither a republic, nor a party. Discuss amongst yourselves.
You know how there was always that weird kid that drank the pickle juice? Maybe it was you, maybe it was me, I don’t know (I was homeschooled, OKAY?!). But God knows I love pickles. Probably as much as pregnant women. No, I’m not prego.
So here’s a theory: if you take something you really love, and turn it into something else you really love, like a popsicle, it’s sure to be a success right? I mean, the beer pops sure are. So watch out eager world, here comes the treat we’ve been waiting for–Bob’s Pickle Pops. Gut reaction? Bleh. That’s right, frozen pickle juice that comes in packaging like pop-ice (the pesky little plastic ones that are so freaking hard to open). Imagine having pickle pops thrown into a cooler of pop-ices. “Oooh! Oooh! I want the green one!” Seconds later, gagging and vomiting ensue. Check out the Web site for the frozen pickle juice–it’s quite tacky and entertaining. Mal, the font on the Web site might beat out Comic Sans for the worst font of all time. Plus, I think it was once the font for my AIM when I was like 13.
And here’s something kind of funny. These were originally named Pickle Sickles (GROSS), and the mascot (is that what you would call it? Animated spokesman?) was named Pickle Sickle Tex. Now, my selective dyslexia (essentially, I read what I want to read) read that as Pickle Tickle Sex. Hmm. Interesting. I have a sick mind, get over it. And don’t act like you weren’t thinking the same things.
If you try these pickle treats, which are currently being promoted at public schools everywhere, let me know. Because the weird kid that drinks pickle juice that is still in there deep down is dying to know.
So whoever these guys are, the Bee-Boys (like B-Boys, get it?!) are awesome. I love their costumes, their dancing, everything. And DJ Honey? SMOKIN’. Kids, you best try and book him now for weddings, bar mitvahs and sweet sixteens, because he’s about to get HUGE.
Here is the best line from the whole thing: “Bees! Bees! Bees! Yo, I found some nectar!” Priceless.
These guys need to be on one of my favorite shows, America’s Best Dance Crew. Can you just imagine what the judges would say? Yes, you can, because if you watch the show at all, you know they’d say what they always say.
Mario Lopez: Well, you “bee boys” sure got this crowd buzzin’! I have rock hard abs and will be appearing in a musical on Broadway this summer, so let’s hear what the judges have to say!
Shane Sparks: Ya’ll are the SICKEST crew I have EVAH seen. Check out my choreography in the hottest new music video which will be featured on MTV–Y’all are the FUTURE of dance! Y’all didn’t do nothing that I wouldn’t do. Your choreography was hot. Y’all are killin’ it. Ya’ll just ripped tonight!
Lil’ Mama: You boys came on to this stage, and you really gave it to me and to every single person in here. Ya’ll really bring it and I respect that. You can check out my hot new single dropping this month. My lip gloss is poppin’. I’d like to show that one clip in slow-mo, mmmmmhmmm, you bring to the show next week what you brought this week and you have the potential to be America’s Best Dance Crew! Ya’ll’s costumes are HOT.
JC Chasez: As a member of the world’s most successful boy band group ever and an accomplished dancer with better technical ability than Justin Timberlake, I recognize the difficulty of your movements. But you’re a little sloppy, and last week I warned you to tighten it up. I mean, have you seen the “Bye Bye Bye” video? That is perfection. I’m a little let down by your performance tonight. You need more choreography. And that’s all I’m going to say, but just be careful. And for the record, I’m working on a hot, new, young, hip project, and it’s going to be flawless. I look forward to seeing what you do with this opportunity I have personally bestowed upon you.
Obviously the crowd boos JC because he’s the only one that puts any thought into what he says, pays attention to the technique, and gives constructive criticism (yet he still kind of sucks), but the hot girls that they ALWAYS place behind him are still going to hook up with him after the show.
So after getting sidetracked, let me summarize: I love this video and laughed out loud.
I’m not going to say what this video is ultimately about, because that spoils the good times you are sure to have watching it, but whoever came up with this concept has a piece of my heart. And the person who made this has his or her heart in the right place. Awwww!
Shia LaBeouf made a teeny bit of an oopsie–as in, a DUI. Side note, but trying to spell his last name makes me feel as if I’m typing while drunk. It never looks right, and it rarely is. I always have to Wikipedia that shit and then copy and paste. And don’t even get me started on trying to say it. Okay, back to “the news”.
A few nights ago, he was just cruising around in his truck with a friend (who happens to be a girl. Grrr.) and accidentally ran into another car and flipped his truck. Eek. Fortunately, everyone else involved was treated for only minor injuries, but Shia had to have surgery on his left hand and banged his knee up. Ouch. According to his PR person, who is for sure having the worst week ever, he’ll be back to filming Transformers 2 in a month.
This is not the first time he’s gotten in trouble for being plastered. He was arrested last fall for being a jackass at a Walgreen’s (nice work, buddy). He did, however, have a pretty cute mugshot. Even with glassy eyes. See?
Yeah, I’d, um, “date” that. Rawr.
This whole thing is devastating to me, because, let’s face it, the only reason I went to see the ridiculous aliens attack Indiana Jones movie is due to the fact that he was in it. (Sorry, Alicia.) I’ve got a thing for him, but this is not to his credit. I mean, I can’t fantasize about him driving us around in his truck along the California coastline (and me looking gorgeous) if I’m frightened that’s he’s so drunk he’ll drive us right off the edge. UGH.
Whatever, Shia. You got lucky this time. And everybody loves a bad boy, just don’t do it again.
Oh, and just for the irony, here is something he said on Letterman after his Walgreen’s fiasco:
“Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”
Um, I’m going to say drinking and driving is worse, but maybe that’s just me.
Birthday shout out to my girrrrrrl, Beatrix Potter! She would be a rocking 142 years old today. Besides having a really cool name, she wrote some of the best children’s literature out there. Most notably, The Tale of Peter Rabbit. An epic story that, in my mind, rivals Homer’s “The Odyssey”.
This just in: our Department of Justice has been compromised. By terrorists? Nope. By political corruption and the antithesis of justice–discrimination. As Stephen Colbert would say, a wag of my finger to you, DOJ. Watch out, folks, I’m about to launch into a political tirade. But what I’m talking about is important and every American should be upset.
A report released by the DOJ’s inspector general and internal ethics office confirms what has been known for quite awhile–that top aides under Alberto Gonzales broke the law by using illegal hiring tactics and discriminating against those deemed to be too left leaning. Basically, if you disagreed with the current administration, you couldn’t get a job. Damn, that sucks, because roughly 70% of America disagrees with Bush right now.
Anyway, Monica Goodling, a top aide, was apparently the mastermind behind this project. She would ask leading questions in interviews to gage the political leanings of potential employees. And if they were not in line with George W. Bush and his cronies, they were not hired. This, of course, resulted in the hiring of some less than qualified candidates. Good job, Monica! That’s exactly what this country needs! Perfect, just perfect. You can read the horror stories for yourself here and here.
In my perfect world, our president would be Jed Bartlet (who is from New Hampshire! Heyyyyy), and the White House would be run by Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, CJ Cregg, Leo McGarry, and Toby Ziegler. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please NetFlix the West Wing seasons 1-4 right now. The other seasons are okay, but those are the glory days (WHY OH WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, SORKIN?). Anyway, even in my perfect/fictional world run by Democratic politics, Republicans were hired. Because that’s the right thing to do. I’m talking about Ainsley Hayes, kids.
Monica Goodling may seem like Ainsley Hayes–a blonde, Republican lawyer. Except Ainsley Hayes was awesome. And had ethics.
Here is Monica (oh, the irony of this pose):
Here is Ainsley:
I’m obviously idealistic about government, because I’ve witnessed grassroots politics (power from the people) and believe that the intentions of many politicians are good. But this is a let down, and I don’t like it. No matter who has control of the White House and Congress, the Department of Justice should be freed of this shameful politicization. We as Americans–we as the United States–depend on it.
And now, friends, I’m going to go eat my emotions and watch six straight hours of the West Wing on my MacBook. And then, I’m going to do something to work for change.
A hearty SWTCTW congratulations to Floridian Tom Grizzard, who won this year’s prestigious Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest in Key West. It’s his eighth time competing. Eighth time’s the charm, buddy! He beat out 141 other Ernests for his prize, which is–well, come to think of it, it’s not stated in the article. But I’m sure it’s AWESOME. Maybe it’s the baller medallion hanging from his noble neck? Where can I get me one of those?
And I thought this picture of all the Ernests was fantastic. So much passion! Got me all fired up!
But besides applauding Tom Grizzard for his innate, genetic inclination towards resembling a Nobel prize winning author, I wanted to post some quotes from our friend Ernest.
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
“As you get older it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary.”
“Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.”
“There are events which are so great that if a writer has participated in them his obligation is to write truly rather than assume the presumption of altering them with invention.”
“The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.”
Just as Mallory posted a headline due to its six word memoir quality, I am going to do the same. It is now officially a regular feature at SWTCTW. This one, brought to us by fellow masters of snark, Page Six, is really quite good. It refers to the former (thank GOD) Mrs. McCartney’s publicist quitting on her. Michele Elyzabeth, her jilted mouthpiece, said:
On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British Press has reported about her.
Ouch, that sucks. Especially since the Brits (God love them and their humor/humour) are especially vicious when reporting the news and celebrity gossip.
Anyway, here is Page Six’s headline/six word memoir.
six words to change the world. 