I can’t write something more clever than the NY Daily News lede, so here you go.
A monster lobster scored a one-way ticket out of a Manhattan restaurant Friday – and not on a fork.
After a few years of straight up chilling at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant in New York (and a petition from PETA), George, estimated to be between 80 and 140 years old (yeah, me too…) is being released. It must be a slow news day, because this is hilarious:
George, unlike certain other celebrities, did not seem perturbed as a crew of photographers shot his picture before his grand exit.
“If he was upset, he’d be slapping his tail. His claws would be up and in a defensive posture,” explained Vaina.
“Can you lift up his butt, if he has a butt?” asked a photographer.
George will be transported to New Hampshire, and then finally released in Maine, where he is for sure bound to be caught by a crazy, old Maine lobsterman and sold for $7 a pound. Yum.
George, GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME! Live longer and prosper, little buddy!
I’ve never had any trouble believing in Santa but for the Scrooges out there Larry Silverberg, a professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering at North Carolina State University, has conducted some research to further explain Santa’s magic. His Christmas-spirit-lacking conclusion? Advanced nanotechnology and an exploitation of the time space continuum help to explain some of Santa’s powers.
Silverberg says that Santa is exploiting the time space continuum when he makes his Christmas Eve voyage around the world. A Christmas Eve voyage that actually lasts SIX Santa months. Pardonnez moi?
“He understands that space stretches, he understands that you can stretch time, compress space and therefore he can, in a sense, actually have six Santa months to deliver the presents,” Silverberg told Reuters.
“In our reference frame it appears as though he does it in the wink of an eye and in fact there have been sightings of Santa, quick sightings, and that’s in our reference frame, but in Santa’s reference frame he really has six months”.
I suppose that makes it a little easier to believe (that is, if you didn’t already) that Santa can visit 200 million homes in just one night. Silverberg said his research also indicates that Santa doesn’t carry all of the toys in his sleigh. Instead, he grows the presents under the tree using nanotechnology or, more specifically, he turns irreversible therm0-dynamic properties into reversible ones to turn soot, candy and other natural materials into the presents. Maybe that’s why we’re supposed to leave cookies for Santa. Not because he’s so hungry (although now that we know it actually takes him six months the cookies make a little more sense) but because he uses them to grow our presents!
Some of Silverberg’s other research on Santa indicates that to determine whose naughty or nice, Santa uses giant antennas; the sleigh also has a GPS system of sorts and the reindeer are “genetically bred to fly, balance on rooftops and see in the dark.”
I still think Santa’s sleigh is fueled by Christmas Spirit and my biggest question remains, how does Santa eat all of those cookies and still fit through the chimneys? Also, where does he vacation after Christmas? I’d like to go there and buy him a drink.
If you’re still not convinced (you lousy non-believer, you) check out this picture from Iwasabducted.com (a truly reliable source if ever there was one) of an unidentified flying object that looks eerily similar to Santa’s sleigh.
All the way back in 1986, Newsweek magazine, in an article titled “Too Late for Prince Charming?” reported on a study that said single women over the age of 40 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than get married. This video is the response to that statistic:
There are so many pieces of wonderfully terrible advice in this video that I really just have to let the video speak for itself (although, a small stuffed animal? Really?!). Even if you think you have gained enough information to make your head explode halfway through, please make sure to watch the video through to the end; the last piece of advice is undoubtedly the best.
Here’s the thing. I feel like I am drunk, but really, I have just been writing papers for too many hours and days and days and hours. I got so wacky that I almost wrote “peace is not a side dish” in my paper before realizing that it was not even a remotely academic thing to say. Now I’m done writing for tonight, but I have to wait for my friend Jill because I don’t want to walk home alone in the cold.
So how about I tell you some random shit?
First, this is a weird video that Kathleen nerded over from South America:
I find it both cute and really, really sad. I hate when the hamster is left on his back like that!
Junior year of college, my friends Katie and Annie got two gerbils, and named them Stella and Jager. We played fun games like Blackout Gerbil Out and Gerbilvision, but that got old after like two weeks. Now Katie’s little sister takes care of the herby gerbs.
Speaking of animals, did you hear about the woman who “hid a sedated monkey under her blouse on a flight from Thailand“? This crazy lady, whose name is obviously Gypsy, tried to hide the monkey under a loose-fitting blouse, and now she’s in big trouble for smuggling. Apparently it just looked like she was pregnant. I mean, I wear a lot of loose-fitting blouses, but usually it’s to hide a belly full of Smartfood and breakfast sandwiches, not a monkey.
Speaking of monkeys, I LOVE Pandora. Like a lot. It is so great. Another thing that I love is video chat. I love that video chat turns quasi-adults into four-year-olds making funny faces in the mirror. It’s hysterical. My friend Jill and I video-chatted our friend Tamar today, and we essentially spent the whole time seeing who could make the ugliest face. Mature? No. Entertaining? YES.
Aaand continuing with the stream-of-consciousness, have you guys tried the fancy new things on Gmail? There are SO many cool new things, which I obviously spent way too long playing with today. You can make task lists on your Gmail (hellooo, Type A); take “breaks” where your Gmail basically forces you to not be glued to your computer for 15 minutes (hellooo, lack of self control); and you can customize your label colors (hellooo, NERD). The best one, though, is the attachment reminder. If you write in your email that you are attaching something and then you forget to attach it, Gmail will REMIND YOU TO ATTACH IT.
This is all awesome, but it also freaks me out a little. I mean, Gmail has been around for a few years and it is already basically thinking for us. I can’t even fathom what they’ll come up with next. If it’s a feature that blow dries my hair and makes me breakfast while I check my morning email, though, I’ll be okay with it.
Final Bonus Confession: I get both Economist updates and Self Fit Move of the Week updates emailed to me, and I always delete them before I even open them. But I won’t unsubscribe, because that would prove that I’m un-intellectual and lazy. Logical, right?
I will never pretend that I actually pay attention to football, but I am biologically required to care about the annual CU/Nebraska game. This year’s was just devastating for real CU fans, and me.
I’m sorry people. I know it’s about time that I stopped ragging on Sarah Palin (not necessarily because she doesn’t deserve it, but because it’s just not worth it anymore), but this video is simply too bizarre to not post. The following footage took place after Palin ceremonially pardoned a turkey. Please note the captions:
Every single caption in that video is priceless. I love that whatever intern was in charge of them seemed to just say, “Aw, fuck it. I’m going for broke.” My favorite caption, of course, is this six-worded gem:
I was emailed not once, but twice, about hairless dogs yesterday. That should say something. Some sad news, some better news. Why do you care about hairless dogs? Because it’s weird, and they’re funny. And I feel like writing about it.
Updates on the Obama puppy situation! The nation of Peru has offered to send one of its national treasures, the Peruvian Hairless Dog to Malia and Sasha. Pictured below is the little guy, named “Ears”. If the Obama family accepts the gift, the dog’s official name will be Machu Picchu. Haha. I’m going to Peru fairly soon…anybody want me to bring one back?
So here’s the sad news. The world’s ugliest dog, Gus, a Chinese Crested Hairless, died Monday at the age of 9. All dogs go to heaven, Gus. We’ll miss you little guy. RIP. He was so ugly, he was cute.
No word on the replacement for the prestigious world’s ugliest dog title. But leave it to me to keep you updated.
I’m just spreading the love for hairless dogs to the rest of the world. Just trying to end the discrimination against them and make this world a better place. Hairless dogs are moving on up! Soon all you haters will have them too!
I’m on a blogging rampage. Here’s the weird stuff I’ve found on Al Gore’s invention today…
Let’s talk about squirrels. Rats with fluffy tails. True story: I was once attacked my squirrels by the Vietnam Memorial in DC. They wanted our snack foods and opened our backpacks. It was terrifying. Anyway, the science wonder children at UC Davis have found the solution to their squirrel overpopulation problem– birth control for squirrels. It’s true.
“This new birth control method may potentially help control squirrels or other species, such as white tailed deer,” said Sara Krause, a doctoral student in ecology who designed the plan.
“If we can test a birth control method and find it safe and effective, there’s a possibility of it being a breakthrough method in both urban and suburban areas,” she said.
I’m sure the Christians would rather they train the squirrels about natural family planning.
On to the Big O. Nope not that kind. (Geeeeeez. Parents read this blog!) No, not Obama. (Good guess though.) I’m actually talking about Oprah. The lady’s got it going on. There are talks that O might not renew her talk show in 2011! THE HORROR. That gives us just three short years left with her. TiVO that shiz now, people. Or don’t, because it will run more in syndication than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Oprah’s getting her own TV network. Boringly called the Oprah Winfrey Network, or hilariously and appropriately nicknamed, OWN. Oprah owns your soul. One might go so far as to say she PWNS you.
This is a good one! There was a brawl in Jerusalem today. Sadly, that alone means nothing. But the devil is in the details. IT WAS BETWEEN MONKS. (Get it? Devil in the details? Monks? Religion? Uhh…) Yes, monks. Rival monks! The Armenian monks and the Greek monks. This is better than West Side Story. Snap, snap, snap. The cops had to come break it up! Apparently these fights happen a lot. Oh, and when you go to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, make sure you wear your neutral gang colors. FYI the Armenians wear pink and red and the Greeks wear black. From the AP:
The brawling began during a procession of Armenian clergymen commemorating the 4th-century discovery of the cross believed to have been used to crucify Jesus.
The Greeks objected to the march without one of their monks present, fearing that otherwise, the procession would subvert their own claim to the Edicule — the ancient structure built on what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus — and give the Armenians a claim to the site.
The Armenians refused, and when they tried to march the Greek Orthodox monks blocked their way, sparking the brawl.
Illinois is hoping for a tourism bump due to Barack’s win. Really? Well alright. Walsh, I’ll see you soon.
Ohhh the Onion. Always makes me chuckle. I can totally picture this story on Fox though.
Honestly, do you need more proof than that?
six words to change the world. 