Monthly Archives: July 2008

by | July 29, 2008 · 2:44 am

seacrest gets bit, takes advil, lives.

Ryan Seacrest was bit by a shark this weekend! Ha ha! The article is like three words long, so I think you won’t mind reading a good chunk of it:

The “American Idol” host said he was “about eight feet out” when he felt something swim by him.

“I thought it was a stick,” he said. “I wasn’t sure what had happened.”

Then, he said, “I saw it swim! He took a bite, and he left.”

Seacrest, 33, said the shark’s tooth “wasn’t a great thing to find. It was like finding a splinter!”

Although he said he was “in pain,” the “American Idol” host wasn’t hurt too badly, but said he “needed to take an Advil.”

So let’s get this straight: the shark just took a nibble, then swam away? All Seacrest needed to heal his shark bite was AN ADVIL?! I guess the shark wasn’t a fan of Seacrest’s other other white meat, which surely tastes like spray tanner and douchebaggery. Mmm.

Yeah, I don’t like Ryan Seacrest. I can’t say I hate him more than I hate seal-clapping, whiskey-in-her-water-cup Paula, but something about Ry guy drives me NUTS. I think it may be that he has one of those mouths which, when closed, looks like it’s hiding a set of hardcore braces. I can’t find a picture that really helps out my theory, but this one’s entertaining:

Oh, Ryan. Could you maybe stick to radio, so that we didn’t have to stare at that weird mouth of yours when we’re trying to get an American Idol fix? Maybe take Paula and your dawg Randy and just leave the show to Simon. He’s the only one worth listening to, anyway.

Although, come to think of it, I really do love to hate you.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 29, 2008 · 1:37 am

even stevens? nah, shia’s fairly tipsy.

Shia LaBeouf made a teeny bit of an oopsie–as in, a DUI. Side note, but trying to spell his last name makes me feel as if I’m typing while drunk. It never looks right, and it rarely is. I always have to Wikipedia that shit and then copy and paste. And don’t even get me started on trying to say it. Okay, back to “the news”.

A few nights ago, he was just cruising around in his truck with a friend (who happens to be a girl. Grrr.) and accidentally ran into another car and flipped his truck. Eek. Fortunately, everyone else involved was treated for only minor injuries, but Shia had to have surgery on his left hand and banged his knee up. Ouch. According to his PR person, who is for sure having the worst week ever, he’ll be back to filming Transformers 2 in a month.

This is not the first time he’s gotten in trouble for being plastered. He was arrested last fall for being a jackass at a Walgreen’s (nice work, buddy). He did, however, have a pretty cute mugshot. Even with glassy eyes. See?

Yeah, I’d, um, “date” that. Rawr.

This whole thing is devastating to me, because, let’s face it, the only reason I went to see the ridiculous aliens attack Indiana Jones movie is due to the fact that he was in it. (Sorry, Alicia.) I’ve got a thing for him, but this is not to his credit. I mean, I can’t fantasize about him driving us around in his truck along the California coastline (and me looking gorgeous) if I’m frightened that’s he’s so drunk he’ll drive us right off the edge. UGH.

Whatever, Shia. You got lucky this time. And everybody loves a bad boy, just don’t do it again.

Oh, and just for the irony, here is something he said on Letterman after his Walgreen’s fiasco:

“Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”

Um, I’m going to say drinking and driving is worse, but maybe that’s just me.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 29, 2008 · 1:16 am

thoughts on bourbon, blogging, and SAHMs.

Confession: I have a new girl crush/idol in the world of bloggy women. Her name is Heather B. Armstrong, and she is snarky and wonderful. On her blog, Dooce, she describes herself as a “Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker.” (And really, she’s not exactly a stay at home mom, because that implies that she doesn’t work. Really, her blog is so successful that both Heather and her husband work full time on keeping the blog witty and awesome and, you know, functioning.) Plus Heather says that she “love[s] bourbon, chips and salsa, Britpop, and television that excels at being really awful.” Hellooo, kindred spirit. She even looks cool and witty and like the kind of girl you’d want to go have drinks with then maybe dance on a table and meet some strangers and have a late-night breakfast burrito from 7-Eleven:

I’ve decided that I want to be just like Heather when I grow up. I would like to be snarky and fun and irreverent and have a cute husband, perfect daughter, and a job that lets me hang out in my PJs all day, presumably drinking bourbon and eating chips and salsa as the wit escapes my brain through my fingertips. Not such a bad thing to aspire to, eh?

Here’s an excellent excerpt from Heather’s FAQ:

“I’m surprised you haven’t been reported to child welfare with how public you are about some of the things you think and do regarding your daughter. Paper towels are very dangerous for your daughter to chew on. She could suffocate. don’t let her be alone with them. I’m amazed at how foolish you can be sometimes.”

When you call DCFS, please get the story straight. Not only do I leave her alone with paper towels, I set her in the middle of a flea-infested floor and surround her with sharp objects and porn. Then I turn on a wood-burning stove in the corner of the room and seal all the windows. Before I leave the room and lock the door, I stick a bottle full of vodka in her mouth, to muffle the screaming.

Heather, I dig you. I also hope that one day Kathleen and I will actually be important enough to have an FAQ section. I don’t think we’ve received any questions, unless you count the marriage pleas from the millions of attractive bachelors. Okay now go read Dooce and be happy.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 29, 2008 · 12:38 am

hippity hoppity happy birthday beatrix potter.

Birthday shout out to my girrrrrrl, Beatrix Potter! She would be a rocking 142 years old today. Besides having a really cool name, she wrote some of the best children’s literature out there. Most notably, The Tale of Peter Rabbit. An epic story that, in my mind, rivals Homer’s “The Odyssey”.

Read it here.

And today is also Jackie O’s birthday. She would be 79. Here are some stunning pictures of her, as if you didn’t already know she was a knock-out:


Rawr.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 28, 2008 · 11:35 pm

department of things that are unsurprising.

This just in: our Department of Justice has been compromised. By terrorists? Nope. By political corruption and the antithesis of justice–discrimination. As Stephen Colbert would say, a wag of my finger to you, DOJ. Watch out, folks, I’m about to launch into a political tirade. But what I’m talking about is important and every American should be upset.

A report released by the DOJ’s inspector general and internal ethics office confirms what has been known for quite awhile–that top aides under Alberto Gonzales broke the law by using illegal hiring tactics and discriminating against those deemed to be too left leaning. Basically, if you disagreed with the current administration, you couldn’t get a job. Damn, that sucks, because roughly 70% of America disagrees with Bush right now.

Anyway, Monica Goodling, a top aide, was apparently the mastermind behind this project. She would ask leading questions in interviews to gage the political leanings of potential employees. And if they were not in line with George W. Bush and his cronies, they were not hired. This, of course, resulted in the hiring of some less than qualified candidates. Good job, Monica! That’s exactly what this country needs! Perfect, just perfect. You can read the horror stories for yourself here and here.

In my perfect world, our president would be Jed Bartlet (who is from New Hampshire! Heyyyyy), and the White House would be run by Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, CJ Cregg, Leo McGarry, and Toby Ziegler. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please NetFlix the West Wing seasons 1-4 right now. The other seasons are okay, but those are the glory days (WHY OH WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, SORKIN?). Anyway, even in my perfect/fictional world run by Democratic politics, Republicans were hired. Because that’s the right thing to do. I’m talking about Ainsley Hayes, kids.

Monica Goodling may seem like Ainsley Hayes–a blonde, Republican lawyer. Except Ainsley Hayes was awesome. And had ethics.

Here is Monica (oh, the irony of this pose):

Here is Ainsley:

I’m obviously idealistic about government, because I’ve witnessed grassroots politics (power from the people) and believe that the intentions of many politicians are good. But this is a let down, and I don’t like it. No matter who has control of the White House and Congress, the Department of Justice should be freed of this shameful politicization. We as Americans–we as the United States–depend on it.

And now, friends, I’m going to go eat my emotions and watch six straight hours of the West Wing on my MacBook. And then, I’m going to do something to work for change.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 27, 2008 · 5:37 am

i love me some hemingways (plural).

A hearty SWTCTW congratulations to Floridian Tom Grizzard, who won this year’s prestigious Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest in Key West. It’s his eighth time competing. Eighth time’s the charm, buddy! He beat out 141 other Ernests for his prize, which is–well, come to think of it, it’s not stated in the article. But I’m sure it’s AWESOME. Maybe it’s the baller medallion hanging from his noble neck?  Where can I get me one of those?

And I thought this picture of all the Ernests was fantastic. So much passion! Got me all fired up!

But besides applauding Tom Grizzard for his innate, genetic inclination towards resembling a Nobel prize winning author, I wanted to post some quotes from our friend Ernest.

  • “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
  • “As you get older it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary.”
  • “Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.”
  • “There are events which are so great that if a writer has participated in them his obligation is to write truly rather than assume the presumption of altering them with invention.”
  • “The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.”

Okay, that’s enough. Enjoy.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 26, 2008 · 11:04 pm

wonder if the olsens had trouble…

I’ve written before about how the college admissions process mystifies me. I also don’t often understand employment decisions, or acceptances into all sorts of programs (Teach For America, for instance). In each situation, someone has to make a decision based on relatively little information, and they must choose from among many, many applicants or candidates. It’s always sort of a fluke. It’s a hard job, and I certainly wouldn’t want to do it.

I found this article in today’s New York Times very interesting. Called “Is There a Better Half,” it talks about the unique challenges that twins and triplets face when applying to college. On top of considering whether or not they want to be together, or at least geographically close, they also have to consider how being a twin or a triplet will affect their applications when applying to the same school:

“Other people were applying to Harvard from our school,” Olivia [one of a set of triplets] explains, “and it’s not like Harvard was going to take five people. Sometimes it only takes one or two. I knew colleges place this huge emphasis on geographical diversity. So were they really going to take two people from the exact same household?”

Eek. Applying to college is hard enough as it is; I wouldn’t want any other factors complicating the process. (Thing about the agony that the Gosselins will go through!) Take a look at the article, then grab a frosty beverage and head outside, as I plan to do riiiiiight now.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | July 26, 2008 · 10:21 pm

when our work’s done for us.

Just as Mallory posted a headline due to its six word memoir quality, I am going to do the same.  It is now officially a regular feature at SWTCTW. This one, brought to us by fellow masters of snark, Page Six, is really quite good. It refers to the former (thank GOD) Mrs. McCartney’s publicist quitting on her. Michele Elyzabeth, her jilted mouthpiece, said:

On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British Press has reported about her.

Ouch, that sucks. Especially since the Brits (God love them and their humor/humour) are especially vicious when reporting the news and celebrity gossip.

Anyway, here is Page Six’s headline/six word memoir.

“Heather loses her P.R. leg, too”

Snap!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 26, 2008 · 7:34 pm

here come the men in black.

So according to a former Apollo 14 (not 13) astronaut, aliens exist–they not only exist, they’ve visited us multiple times over the years, but our big, bad government has covered it up (a government conspiracy theory? Gasp! How revolutionary!). But not to fear, friends, because Dr. Edgar Mitchell assures us that if they were hostile and wanted us to be dead by now, we would be. Phew! The good doctor told all of this told all of this to Kerrang! radio. You can listen to the radio show here, or just read these quotes.

“I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we’ve been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real.”

“It’s been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it’s leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it.”

“I’ve been in military and intelligence circles, who know that beneath the surface of what has been public knowledge, yes – we have been visited. Reading the papers recently, it’s been happening quite a bit.”

Wow, he sounds–to use his word AGAIN, privileged. Here’s some more good news. Aliens look EXACTLY like we expected them to! Big eyes, big heads, and small bodies. And who doesn’t like being right?

Now, I know it isn’t my place to judge or say what is real and what is not (but this blog is 50% mine and I’m going to do what I want, duh). And despite the fact that Dr. Mitchell did a moonwalk and is very smart, I think he’s being a tad bit moony about this. I mean, come on. Aliens? Really? But then again, if you’ve ever been to a Waffle House between the hours of 11 p.m. and 5 a.m., it is convincing. There are some strange looking folks there…

Anyway, I did some thinking and made a list of aliens I wouldn’t mind running into and those I would. Here are some that I would feel fairly okay about:

Here are those that would most likely upset me:

And finally, the scariest of all:

Ugh. And just because I’m feeling frisky, here is a music video featuring a really talented alien:

Let me see you just bounce with me, just bounce with me, just bounce with me. Come on just slide with me, now slide with me…

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 26, 2008 · 6:26 pm

youtube clip of today: last lecture.

Last year, Professor Randy Pausch gave his final lecture at Carnegie Mellon. Pausch, a computer science professor, had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given just a month or so. He died on Friday. Here is the video of his moving last lecture, titled, “Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”. This lecture became an internet sensation, a book, and Pausch even made an appearance on Oprah.

While over 400 people attended his original lecture and millions have since heard his speech, he said his message was ultimately for his three children. He wrote in his book:

“I was trying to put myself in a bottle that would one day wash up on the beach for my children.”

How eloquent is that?

RIP Randy Pausch, thank you for your wisdom. He said, “If I don’t seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you.” You didn’t disappoint, Randy, you inspired.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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