Monthly Archives: July 2008

wonkette says pop, so i win.

You know the age-old debate of pop vs. soda vs. coke? Well, it’s over, because Wonkette says “pop.” See for yourself in this article on the interesting antics of Chuck Stepanek, a former Republican candidate for the Nebraska state legislature:

“According to court records, police say Stepanek drove under the influence of marijuana in Lincoln on May 29, 2007. Police said he was seen naked at a convenience store near South 27th Street buying a pop, then later at the Sid Dillon car lot, before getting into his car again and driving it into a light pole.”

Okay. I maybe just realized that the “pop” comment was actually from a quote from the local Lincoln paper, which makes sense, because Midwesterners and Coloradans like me (who are NOT Midwesterners, thankyouverymuch) tend to say “pop,” you nutty East Coasters tend to say “soda,” and the truly crazy Southerners say “coke” (which must really anger those Pepsi people). So actually this whole post is a big lie.

Still, this debate gets me fired up. I was ecstatic one time when I got to see Joyce Carol Oates read from High Lonesome and she said “pop” instead of “soda” in the excerpt. I was so excited, in fact, that when I went to get my book signed by Oates, I told her that I was thrilled that she said “pop,” and she was all, “Well, yeah, I was trying to make it seemed old-fashioned.” Which does not help my case.

You know what does help my case? This super-scholarly Web site that breaks down the geographic distribution of pop vs. soda vs. coke vs. other. (What could “other” be? Carbonated beverage? Soft drink?) The site’s impressive conclusion at the end of all this is the following:

People who say “Pop” are much, much cooler.

Ha ha! I WIN!

Also, can we talk about how Stepanek got high and then wandered naked into a convenience store? I’m no stranger to spending time in convenience stores (read: 7-Eleven) in an, er, altered state, but naked? I guess I’ll have to work up to that.

[Posted by Mallory]

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have a nice, cold pickle pop.

You know how there was always that weird kid that drank the pickle juice? Maybe it was you, maybe it was me, I don’t know (I was homeschooled, OKAY?!). But God knows I love pickles. Probably as much as pregnant women. No, I’m not prego.

So here’s a theory: if you take something you really love, and turn it into something else you really love, like a popsicle, it’s sure to be a success right? I mean, the beer pops sure are. So watch out eager world, here comes the treat we’ve been waiting for–Bob’s Pickle Pops. Gut reaction? Bleh. That’s right, frozen pickle juice that comes in packaging like pop-ice (the pesky little plastic ones that are so freaking hard to open). Imagine having pickle pops thrown into a cooler of pop-ices. “Oooh! Oooh! I want the green one!” Seconds later, gagging and vomiting ensue. Check out the Web site for the frozen pickle juice–it’s quite tacky and entertaining. Mal, the font on the Web site might beat out Comic Sans for the worst font of all time. Plus, I think it was once the font for my AIM when I was like 13.

And here’s something kind of funny. These were originally named Pickle Sickles (GROSS), and the mascot (is that what you would call it? Animated spokesman?) was named Pickle Sickle Tex. Now, my selective dyslexia (essentially, I read what I want to read) read that as Pickle Tickle Sex. Hmm. Interesting. I have a sick mind, get over it. And don’t act like you weren’t thinking the same things.

If you try these pickle treats, which are currently being promoted at public schools everywhere, let me know. Because the weird kid that drinks pickle juice that is still in there deep down is dying to know.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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youtube clip of today: bee boys.

So whoever these guys are, the Bee-Boys (like B-Boys, get it?!) are awesome. I love their costumes, their dancing, everything. And DJ Honey? SMOKIN’. Kids, you best try and book him now for weddings, bar mitvahs and sweet sixteens, because he’s about to get HUGE.

Here is the best line from the whole thing: “Bees! Bees! Bees! Yo, I found some nectar!” Priceless.

These guys need to be on one of my favorite shows, America’s Best Dance Crew. Can you just imagine what the judges would say? Yes, you can, because if you watch the show at all, you know they’d say what they always say.

Mario Lopez: Well, you “bee boys” sure got this crowd buzzin’! I have rock hard abs and will be appearing in a musical on Broadway this summer, so let’s hear what the judges have to say!

Shane Sparks: Ya’ll are the SICKEST crew I have EVAH seen. Check out my choreography in the hottest new music video which will be featured on MTV–Y’all are the FUTURE of dance! Y’all didn’t do nothing that I wouldn’t do. Your choreography was hot. Y’all are killin’ it. Ya’ll just ripped tonight!

Lil’ Mama: You boys came on to this stage, and you really gave it to me and to every single person in here. Ya’ll really bring it and I respect that. You can check out my hot new single dropping this month. My lip gloss is poppin’. I’d like to show that one clip in slow-mo, mmmmmhmmm, you bring to the show next week what you brought this week and you have the potential to be America’s Best Dance Crew! Ya’ll’s costumes are HOT.

JC Chasez: As a member of the world’s most successful boy band group ever and an accomplished dancer with better technical ability than Justin Timberlake, I recognize the difficulty of your movements. But you’re a little sloppy, and last week I warned you to tighten it up. I mean, have you seen the “Bye Bye Bye” video? That is perfection. I’m a little let down by your performance tonight. You need more choreography. And that’s all I’m going to say, but just be careful. And for the record, I’m working on a hot, new, young, hip project, and it’s going to be flawless. I look forward to seeing what you do with this opportunity I have personally bestowed upon you.

Obviously the crowd boos JC because he’s the only one that puts any thought into what he says, pays attention to the technique, and gives constructive criticism (yet he still kind of sucks), but the hot girls that they ALWAYS place behind him are still going to hook up with him after the show.

So after getting sidetracked, let me summarize: I love this video and laughed out loud.

I’m not going to say what this video is ultimately about, because that spoils the good times you are sure to have watching it, but whoever came up with this concept has a piece of my heart. And the person who made this has his or her heart in the right place. Awwww!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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seacrest gets bit, takes advil, lives.

Ryan Seacrest was bit by a shark this weekend! Ha ha! The article is like three words long, so I think you won’t mind reading a good chunk of it:

The “American Idol” host said he was “about eight feet out” when he felt something swim by him.

“I thought it was a stick,” he said. “I wasn’t sure what had happened.”

Then, he said, “I saw it swim! He took a bite, and he left.”

Seacrest, 33, said the shark’s tooth “wasn’t a great thing to find. It was like finding a splinter!”

Although he said he was “in pain,” the “American Idol” host wasn’t hurt too badly, but said he “needed to take an Advil.”

So let’s get this straight: the shark just took a nibble, then swam away? All Seacrest needed to heal his shark bite was AN ADVIL?! I guess the shark wasn’t a fan of Seacrest’s other other white meat, which surely tastes like spray tanner and douchebaggery. Mmm.

Yeah, I don’t like Ryan Seacrest. I can’t say I hate him more than I hate seal-clapping, whiskey-in-her-water-cup Paula, but something about Ry guy drives me NUTS. I think it may be that he has one of those mouths which, when closed, looks like it’s hiding a set of hardcore braces. I can’t find a picture that really helps out my theory, but this one’s entertaining:

Oh, Ryan. Could you maybe stick to radio, so that we didn’t have to stare at that weird mouth of yours when we’re trying to get an American Idol fix? Maybe take Paula and your dawg Randy and just leave the show to Simon. He’s the only one worth listening to, anyway.

Although, come to think of it, I really do love to hate you.

[Posted by Mallory]

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even stevens? nah, shia’s fairly tipsy.

Shia LaBeouf made a teeny bit of an oopsie–as in, a DUI. Side note, but trying to spell his last name makes me feel as if I’m typing while drunk. It never looks right, and it rarely is. I always have to Wikipedia that shit and then copy and paste. And don’t even get me started on trying to say it. Okay, back to “the news”.

A few nights ago, he was just cruising around in his truck with a friend (who happens to be a girl. Grrr.) and accidentally ran into another car and flipped his truck. Eek. Fortunately, everyone else involved was treated for only minor injuries, but Shia had to have surgery on his left hand and banged his knee up. Ouch. According to his PR person, who is for sure having the worst week ever, he’ll be back to filming Transformers 2 in a month.

This is not the first time he’s gotten in trouble for being plastered. He was arrested last fall for being a jackass at a Walgreen’s (nice work, buddy). He did, however, have a pretty cute mugshot. Even with glassy eyes. See?

Yeah, I’d, um, “date” that. Rawr.

This whole thing is devastating to me, because, let’s face it, the only reason I went to see the ridiculous aliens attack Indiana Jones movie is due to the fact that he was in it. (Sorry, Alicia.) I’ve got a thing for him, but this is not to his credit. I mean, I can’t fantasize about him driving us around in his truck along the California coastline (and me looking gorgeous) if I’m frightened that’s he’s so drunk he’ll drive us right off the edge. UGH.

Whatever, Shia. You got lucky this time. And everybody loves a bad boy, just don’t do it again.

Oh, and just for the irony, here is something he said on Letterman after his Walgreen’s fiasco:

“Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”

Um, I’m going to say drinking and driving is worse, but maybe that’s just me.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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thoughts on bourbon, blogging, and SAHMs.

Confession: I have a new girl crush/idol in the world of bloggy women. Her name is Heather B. Armstrong, and she is snarky and wonderful. On her blog, Dooce, she describes herself as a “Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker.” (And really, she’s not exactly a stay at home mom, because that implies that she doesn’t work. Really, her blog is so successful that both Heather and her husband work full time on keeping the blog witty and awesome and, you know, functioning.) Plus Heather says that she “love[s] bourbon, chips and salsa, Britpop, and television that excels at being really awful.” Hellooo, kindred spirit. She even looks cool and witty and like the kind of girl you’d want to go have drinks with then maybe dance on a table and meet some strangers and have a late-night breakfast burrito from 7-Eleven:

I’ve decided that I want to be just like Heather when I grow up. I would like to be snarky and fun and irreverent and have a cute husband, perfect daughter, and a job that lets me hang out in my PJs all day, presumably drinking bourbon and eating chips and salsa as the wit escapes my brain through my fingertips. Not such a bad thing to aspire to, eh?

Here’s an excellent excerpt from Heather’s FAQ:

“I’m surprised you haven’t been reported to child welfare with how public you are about some of the things you think and do regarding your daughter. Paper towels are very dangerous for your daughter to chew on. She could suffocate. don’t let her be alone with them. I’m amazed at how foolish you can be sometimes.”

When you call DCFS, please get the story straight. Not only do I leave her alone with paper towels, I set her in the middle of a flea-infested floor and surround her with sharp objects and porn. Then I turn on a wood-burning stove in the corner of the room and seal all the windows. Before I leave the room and lock the door, I stick a bottle full of vodka in her mouth, to muffle the screaming.

Heather, I dig you. I also hope that one day Kathleen and I will actually be important enough to have an FAQ section. I don’t think we’ve received any questions, unless you count the marriage pleas from the millions of attractive bachelors. Okay now go read Dooce and be happy.

[Posted by Mallory]

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hippity hoppity happy birthday beatrix potter.

Birthday shout out to my girrrrrrl, Beatrix Potter! She would be a rocking 142 years old today. Besides having a really cool name, she wrote some of the best children’s literature out there. Most notably, The Tale of Peter Rabbit. An epic story that, in my mind, rivals Homer’s “The Odyssey”.

Read it here.

And today is also Jackie O’s birthday. She would be 79. Here are some stunning pictures of her, as if you didn’t already know she was a knock-out:


Rawr.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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