Category Archives: humor

dating advice from a fourth grader.

When I was in elementary school I wrote a “book” about visiting the boardwalk during a storm.  Except that it was actually about visiting the doardwalk because the letter b was hard to wrap my mind around.  Then I wrote a book about a dog named Penny who had puppies.  Both were illustrated by the author.  Neither was any good (of course, my mom would tell you otherwise). 

Alec Greven, a fourth grader at Soaring Hawk Elementary School in Castle Rock, Colorado, has also written a book.  The only difference between his book and my book is that his is a national best seller.  Alec wrote “How to Talk to Girls” when he was eight as part of a school project.  Based on his life experiences and playground observations the book contains such advice as:

Sometimes, you get a girl to like you and then she ditches you.  Life is hard, move on!

Tip: About 73 percent of regular girls ditch boys; 98 percent of pretty girls ditch boys. 

(from Chapter One: The Facts of Life)

It should be noted that those statistics are not national figures, they pertain only to Alec’s observations of girls at Soaring Hawk Elementary.  The book impressed his teacher and principal so much that they decided to sell it for three dollars at the school’s book fair, where it became the fair’s best-seller.  Harper Collins published the book last month and now Alec is dispensing his dating advice to boys of all ages all over the country.  Some of his best advice?

“You also have to be aware that girls win most of the arguments and have most of the power.  If you know that now, things might be easier.”  (Chapter One: The Facts of Life)

That is a fact of life, indeed.  Way to go Alec.  To enjoy all of Alec’s advice you should probably buy his book or ask Santa to bring it to you for Christmas.  In the meantime, enjoy some more of Alec’s innocent wisdom:

Many boys who have crushes don’t know how to act around a girl. Some boys tease girls they like and are mean to them. Some boys say silly things to girls and act goofy. Some boys think they are acting cool by showing off.

This is not a good approach.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Whatever happens, just don’t act desperate. Girls don’t like desperate boys

. . . . . . . . . . . .

The right thing to do when you have a crush is:

  • Never show off too much
  • Don’t be silly and goofy
  • Control your hyperness (cut down on sugar if you need to)
  • Make sure you have good friends who won’t try to take the girl you like.

 

I know what my brother is getting for Christmas . . .

[Posted by Madeline]

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Filed under crushes, definitely not politics, humor, news, pop culture, random, the arts, Uncategorized

a fun game for your friday.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. And they named him Bronx Mowgli. Yeah, that Mowgli. I’m all for creative names, but I think parents should consider the mockery factor. Ashlee and Pete didn’t seem to do that. Maybe Ashlee is displacing her anger about the misspelling of her own name onto her infant son. 

Our Southern belle correspondent tipped us off to this wonderful story, and with the help of Marie Claire UK, we came up with a fun game. You know how you can make up your own porn name or soap opera star name? Well, now you can also make up your own Ashlee Simpson baby name. Here’s the formula:

[One slightly shitty U.S. city + One cartoon animal name]

Here are some examples:

Harlem Tarzan

Compton Simba

Watts Baloo

Scranton Shrek

Our fun new game will sweep the nation. Tell us your favorites in the jump.

UPDATE: FINE, due to some complaints from our favorite readers, let’s change this up a bit:

[One location in the U.S. + One cartoon animal name]

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under babies, celebrities, family, humor, music, news, pop culture

when our work’s done for us.

I’m sorry people. I know it’s about time that I stopped ragging on Sarah Palin (not necessarily because she doesn’t deserve it, but because it’s just not worth it anymore), but this video is simply too bizarre to not post. The following footage took place after Palin ceremonially pardoned a turkey. Please note the captions:

Every single caption in that video is priceless. I love that whatever intern was in charge of them seemed to just say, “Aw, fuck it. I’m going for broke.” My favorite caption, of course, is this six-worded gem:

“Turkey-Killing Fowls Palin News Conference”

Someone over at MSNBC totally reads our blog.

[Posted by Mallory]

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youtube clip of today: hands free.

Since Kathleen is wearing a backpack in Peru, and Madeline is writing all of the funny articles, maybe I will just start to post the YouTube videos. (Except I never really knew where Kathleen found all the YouTube videos, and although I love to procrastinate, I am above trolling around my inexplicably Spanish version of YouTube for good videos that you clowns can watch. Sorry.)  

Obviously I found this on Dooce. (If you’ve been reading long enough, you’ll know that Dooce, Wonkette, and the New York Times are my only sources.) Enjoy:

I legitimately laughed for all two minutes and 29 seconds of that video the first time I watched it, and I hope you did too.

[Posted by Mallory]

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watch me do the humpty hump.

BAHAHA remember that song?

Before I post the (yet again belated) Hump Day Cry Face, let’s all welcome our wonderful new bloggerette, Madeline! Hooray! It’s like we elected a new president, except that old president’s still around, and doesn’t suck.

It is raining a lot today which means I hate my life. Every time it rains my brain switches into “mmm let’s lie under the covers and watch lots of bad television and eat carbohydrates from a bag” mode. But instead, I had a “business meeting” and “lunch with a colleague.” Which mean I hung out with my friend and my boss looking at pictures of Cry Face and then had lunch with a family friend. Do you SEE how important my life is?

Anyway, as I was showing my friend and my boss some Cry Face photos, I stumbled across this gem:

crnks

Featured above are the father and youngest daughter of one the greatest, wackiest families in the universe. Doesn’t Frank, on the left, look as though he belongs in a nursing home?

[Posted by Mallory]

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Filed under adventures, blogging, cry face, family, humor, post-college depression

now let’s see barack do riverdance.

Over the years I’ve been grateful to my Irish ancestors for many things; coming to America, skin so pale it’s see-through, an iron liver, Catholic guilt, etc.  So it’s not as if I needed another reason to be proud of my Irish heritage, but a little band called Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys wrote this little ditty to celebrate Barack Obama’s election to the highest post in all the land and it’s fabulous.  They’ve been invited to perform at an inaugural ball in January and are currently recording their newest single “When President Obama Comes Home to Moneygall.” 

For those who may not remember, all the way back in month four of this now legendary 21-month long campaign, it was reported that some of Obama’s roots were planted in the small village of Moneygall, Ireland.  Moneygall, which has more pubs than traffic lights and a population of 298, was the home of the President Elect’s great-great-great grandfather Fulmuth Kearney, who left Ireland for the United States in 1850 at the age of 19.  

According to the Irish Times, the little village has already welcomed the first Obama tourists and the Taoiseach (Irish Prime Minister) Brian Cowen has extended an invitation for Obama to visit Moneygall and have a pint.    

With the job he has ahead of him, it can’t hurt Obama to have the luck of the Irish on his side.  So raise your pints because, faith and it’s a small world!, there’s no one as Irish as Barack Obama.

[Posted by Madeline]

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Filed under drinks, history, humor, music, politics, travel, Uncategorized, YouTube

a big week for hairless dogs.

I was emailed not once, but twice, about hairless dogs yesterday.  That should say something.  Some sad news, some better news.  Why do you care about hairless dogs?  Because it’s weird, and they’re funny.  And I feel like writing about it.

Updates on the Obama puppy situation!  The nation of Peru has offered to send one of its national treasures, the Peruvian Hairless Dog to Malia and Sasha.  Pictured below is the little guy, named “Ears”.  If the Obama family accepts the gift, the dog’s official name will be Machu Picchu.  Haha.  I’m going to Peru fairly soon…anybody want me to bring one back?

So here’s the sad news.  The world’s ugliest dog, Gus, a Chinese Crested Hairless, died Monday at the age of 9.  All dogs go to heaven, Gus.  We’ll miss you little guy.  RIP.  He was so ugly, he was cute.

No word on the replacement for the prestigious world’s ugliest dog title.  But leave it to me to keep you updated.

I’m just spreading the love for hairless dogs to the rest of the world.  Just trying to end the discrimination against them and make this world a better place.  Hairless dogs are moving on up!  Soon all you haters will have them too!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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Filed under animals, humor, news, politics, pop culture, random, RIP

tuesday afternoon’s snarky gossip girl analysis.

In just a few days, my dear partner Kathleen will be jetting off to South America to trek around the continent in ugly shoes. While she’s gone, we will have a surprise guest blogger take her place. (This probably isn’t a surprise to anyone who cares, but whatever; let us pretend we are important and have guest bloggers like Dooce does.)

This mystery guest blogger and I typically, um, BBM during Gossip Girl each Monday night. For those of you unfortunate souls who still have Razors, and those of you elitists who have iPhones, BBM stands for BlackBerry Messenger, which is Spanish for “The biggest time suck invented since G-Chat.” Unfortunately, last night this mystery guest blogger and I did not get to communicate during the episode, so she sent me an email with her thoughts. Yes, we are aware that we are both pathetic. And no, we don’t care. And yes, candy corn is only 13 cents a bag today at CVS.

Here are our mystery guest blogger’s insightful thoughts about last night’s episode of your favorite guilty pleasure:

I finally watched GG (fuck you, Verizon DVR) and thought I would share some of the thoughts I had with you since we couldn’t bbm: 
 
Aaron?  What’s your name?  Doesn’t matter: creepster.org  (that’s not real link–don’t click it)
 
Times Square?  Right, because downtown hipsters LOVE Times Square.
 
“Plenty of women have been both lover and muse, like Picasso.”  Serena, gramatically you just called Picasso a woman.  And you would use his name since it’s the only artist you’ve ever heard of.  En revanche, Blair’s writers hit it out of the park with their whole cubism line.
 
Dan–you suck at playing it cool.  Way to throw your dad under the bus, asshole.
 
Spotted: lame-o product placement.  Although I’m craving Vitamin Water already.  I hear it goes great with vomit . . .
 
“I’m 18 and it’s a grown-up party.”  PERFECT.  That is exactly what a 17-year-old would say.
 
Yeah, S.  You’re uncomfortable having your picture taken.  I totally believe it.
 
Dan–crack the story?  Kill the story?  Where did you pick up that lingo?
 
“You have a glow, like Chinese lanterns.”  Oh, Dorota. 
 
I heart Blair’s lip color.  And her skin is GLOWING!  How does she make it do that?
 
Um, that huge Construction Work Thug’s e-mail address is LoveLace?  I don’t think so.
 
I want to be on this show just so I can have all of this lingerie.  Because . . . it would look so good on me.
 
Aw, Blair.  Watching her introduce Dorota to Cindy Lauper brought a tear to my eye.  
 
5.19.91.  Dan would use such a lame title
 
HOLY SHIT.  Chuck Bass was born in 1991?!?!
 
“I don’t know how it works in High School . . .”  Excuse me, Aaron but you have three facial hairs.  Shut up.
 
Oh NO!  Rufus is singing!  . . . 3 words.
 
Jenny is wearing Rosary beads as a necklace.  NOT COOL.
 
Don’t die, Bart Bass.  Don’t die!
 
Serena always wanted to live in the 60s?  Right. 

And for more, check out this article by nymag.com.

Somehow, endlessly mocking Gossip Girl seems to make it more acceptable that I watch it. No?

[Posted by Mallory/MYSTERY BLOGGER PERSON]

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quirky news for a sunday afternoon.

I’m on a blogging rampage.  Here’s the weird stuff I’ve found on Al Gore’s invention today…

  • Let’s talk about squirrels.  Rats with fluffy tails.  True story: I was once attacked my squirrels by the Vietnam Memorial in DC.  They wanted our snack foods and opened our backpacks.  It was terrifying.  Anyway, the science wonder children at UC Davis have found the solution to their squirrel overpopulation problem– birth control for squirrels.  It’s true.

    “This new birth control method may potentially help control squirrels or other species, such as white tailed deer,” said Sara Krause, a doctoral student in ecology who designed the plan.

    “If we can test a birth control method and find it safe and effective, there’s a possibility of it being a breakthrough method in both urban and suburban areas,” she said.

    I’m sure the Christians would rather they train the squirrels about natural family planning.

  • On to the Big O.  Nope not that kind. (Geeeeeez.  Parents read this blog!)  No, not Obama. (Good guess though.) I’m actually talking about Oprah.  The lady’s got it going on.  There are talks that O might not renew her talk show in 2011!  THE HORROR.  That gives us just three short years left with her.  TiVO that shiz now, people.  Or don’t, because it will run more in syndication than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  Oprah’s getting her own TV network.  Boringly called the Oprah Winfrey Network, or hilariously and appropriately nicknamed, OWN.  Oprah owns your soul.  One might go so far as to say she PWNS you.
  • This is a good one!  There was a brawl in Jerusalem today.  Sadly, that alone means nothing.  But the devil is in the details.  IT WAS BETWEEN MONKS.  (Get it?  Devil in the details?  Monks? Religion?  Uhh…) Yes, monks.  Rival monks!  The Armenian monks and the Greek monks.  This is better than West Side Story. Snap, snap, snap.  The cops had to come break it up!  Apparently these fights happen a lot.  Oh, and when you go to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, make sure you wear your neutral gang colors.  FYI the Armenians wear pink and red and the Greeks wear black.  From the AP:

    The brawling began during a procession of Armenian clergymen commemorating the 4th-century discovery of the cross believed to have been used to crucify Jesus.

    The Greeks objected to the march without one of their monks present, fearing that otherwise, the procession would subvert their own claim to the Edicule — the ancient structure built on what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus — and give the Armenians a claim to the site.

    The Armenians refused, and when they tried to march the Greek Orthodox monks blocked their way, sparking the brawl.

  • Illinois is hoping for a tourism bump due to Barack’s win.  Really?  Well alright.  Walsh, I’ll see you soon.
  • Ohhh the Onion.  Always makes me chuckle.  I can totally picture this story on Fox though.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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nicolas cage is one creepy mofo.

If you know me or if you’ve read the About Us page, you should know that Nicolas Cage is on my list of people/things not to be trusted.  Why don’t I trust Nicolas Cage?  Because he gives me the heebie jeebies and I don’t even know what that means.  He’s a creepmaster creep to the extreme.

Upon learning my feelings for the Cage creep, my cousin Sean (heyyyyy cousin!) validated my sentiments by showing me one of the funniest youtube clips I have ever seen.  Why did it take me so long to post?  I don’t know.  But watch this, laugh, and then thank me for saving you the money you would have used to rent The Wickerman.  Now, I present to you, The Best Scenes from The Wickerman, featuring Nicolas Cage.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA.  Amazing.

“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamned honey!”

PRICELESS.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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