Category Archives: news

by | August 14, 2008 · 7:22 pm

we just can’t quit you, hillary.

As you might expect, there’s some news floating around in cyberspace today, so for you, dear readers, I have compiled a roundup:

  • Hillary Clinton’s name will be placed on the nomination at the DNC in Denver. Now, Obama’s okay with this (because he’s a perfect gentleman, duh), but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. Sure, it is nice to “honor” Clinton’s campaign and all of her hard work, but might it be better to present a united front and “honor” the actual presumptive nominee? [Washington Post]
  • “According to an analysis of campaign contributions by the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics, Democrat Barack Obama has received nearly six times as much money from troops deployed overseas at the time of their contributions than has Republican John McCain, and the fiercely anti-war Ron Paul, though he suspended his campaign for the Republican nomination months ago, has received more than four times McCain’s haul.” Make your own conclusions, kids. [A bunch of other sources via Wonkette]
  • Streetcars are taking over the country, which is great, because they are good for the environment and make more people move downtown. Downtown Denver already has a free mall ride along 16th Street, and it’s basically a streetcar, and it’s pretty cool. Plus, it feeds my laziness. (Although I do still prefer pedicabs.) [NYTimes]
  • Jared Polis, an openly gay Boulder-ite, won the Democratic primary in Colorado to fill Representative Mark Udall’s Congress seat. “If Mr. Polis is elected to replace [Udall] in November, he would become the third openly gay or lesbian member of Congress.” Hooray for Colorado! You go, Jared! [NYTimes]
  • Last week, some crazo (who calls himself “Mr. Unstable”) took a bath in the utility sink at Burger King. To celebrate his birthday. I’m all for, er, cleanliness, but I tend to put a slightly different spin on the whole birthday celebration thing. Anyway, today the crazo apologized.  Luckily, as I’ve mentioned before, I prefer Wendy’s. [AOL]
  • Apparently the latest trend in eating disorders is “pregorexia,” in which women diet and exercise so much while pregnant that they actually put their baby’s health at risk. Seriously, people?! When I’m pregnant, you can expect to find me immobile on a couch eating as much Ben & Jerry’s and bacon as I can get my hands on. [AOL]
In other news, I’ve become addicted to Craigslist furniture sales. Just thought you should know. 

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | August 14, 2008 · 5:07 pm

julia child: she cooked, kicked ass.

Turns out Julia Child, the sweetest old lady I never actually met, was a freaking spy for the U.S. during World War II! That’s right, the lady that had the cooking show on PBS that used to come on after all of my favorite shows. Now when I screamed this exciting piece of news to my mother at the top of my lungs, she looked at me and said, “You knew that already! We learned that at the…” And then she launched into recounting our visit to the Julia Child exhibit at the Smithsonian American History museum a million years ago. Yes, we went to that. But I didn’t remember, so I’m still fired up.

According to the AP, there were 24,000 spies that made up the Office of Strategic Services–an early version of the CIA. And Julia wasn’t the only well known person on the list. Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg, Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg, Teddy Roosevelt’s sons, the drummer for The Police’s dad (fact). There are others. And the records are being released today.

They were soldiers, actors, historians, lawyers, athletes, professors, reporters. But for several years during World War II, they were known simply as the OSS. They studied military plans, created propaganda, infiltrated enemy ranks and stirred resistance among foreign troops.

Heaven’s to Betsy! I don’t know if I should picture Julia as Bond infiltrating enemy ranks, or more like a Bond Girl baking poison pies for the Nazis. Haha. “Child, Julia Child. Shaken, not stirred, dear. That’s right. Now you add just a pinch of ginger and dress it with some freshly peeled lemon rind. Oh delicious!” If you’ve never heard her voice, I recommend YouTubing her right now. It sounds like Robin Williams doing Mrs. Doubtfire. Anyway, I bet she was more like a Jason Bourne. Rawr.

Whatever her role was, I’m extremely impressed. She did a lot with her life. And maybe all her spy training explains why she was so good with knives in the kitchen. Oh man, if J.C. was still alive, there would be no need for that Rachel Ray chick. Girl, she could have kicked your ass–in and out of the kitchen. And, if anyone important is reading this, I’d love to be a spy. Hint. Hint.

I bet she could have used this as a weapon to take down an entire brigade of Nazis:

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | August 14, 2008 · 4:50 am

and i’m BACK in the game!

Okay, so even though I am an adult and got the cable and Internet arranged, the Comcast guy doesn’t come until tomorrow, so I’ve been practically weeping at every Olympic reference in the news because I still don’t have a working TV, dammit. Today, however, I remembered that I have very little to do, plus a working computer, plus access to the Internet. And MSNBC has video. At least for swimming, I’m feeling a little caught up. The commie Olympic folks won’t let people post videos on YouTube, but if you didn’t see the men’s 400 free relay, find a way to watch it immediately. I may have sobbed while watching the boys celebrate. Here’s Michael Phelps celebrating in a slightly terrifying way:

Nice work, Michael. Equally nice work in the 800 free relay, and everything else you’ve swam and won. I’ve gotten plenty of flack on this blog for making fun of the way certain European monkey athletes look, but I’d just like to see a little less of Michael Phelp’s fucked up teeth (which are on an amazing body, and he is an amazing athlete, calm down, Etienne) and a little more of Mr. Lochte. Just saying:

Mmm, now what was I talking about? Ah, right Olympics. Go America! 

And Ryan? I like the hair better shaggy.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | August 14, 2008 · 4:18 am

i vant to suck your blood.

Has anyone else heard about the exciting new beverage called Tru Blood that is supposed to LOOK LIKE BLOOD? Yeah, don’t trip over each other running to 7-Eleven. I first saw a billboard for the stuff this past weekend when I was in the dirty Jerz (if you can manage a good guido/blood joke, you win my eternal respect), then I kinda forgot about it until now. Because I am an excellent, respectable blogger and a legitimate news source (and the only news source for people like my sister), I did some research. First, I stumbled upon this brilliant commercial:

Ah, see, now you totally want to drink it. No?

Then I took a look at the beverage’s website. For starters, to enter it I had to write in the day I “turned.” At first I was confused, and thought maybe this was alcoholic blood and I had to enter my birth date because that is the most legitimate way to determine if a person is of age. Then I looked again. The date I “turned.” What the fuck? I haven’t even read those Twilight books, so I’m not into the vampire shit. (Although my friend Alaina does do a HI-larious Dracula impression.) But, like I said, I’m a respectable blogger, so I played along. I think I turned on July 5 of Century IV. Cool. 

On the site, I am told that Tru Blood is “All Flavor. No Bite.” It is “a synthetic blood nourishment beverage.” Hmm. Somehow, I’m still not convinced. BUT there is a quiz to see what “type” I am! I’m a sucker (pun intended?) for quizzes, so I tried it out:

Q: How many times per night do you get the urge?

A: Um. Er. Twice a night?

Q: Who is your taste?

A: Ha ha, you can choose a regular size guy or a huge dude. My roommate loves huge dudes. For me, it’s the normal-sized dude.

Q: How do you spend your free time?

A: Home alone? No, I practically lived in a commune all of last year. Theater? Uhhh, no. Playing sports? Is breaking hearts and taking names a sport? Oh Jesus, I’m sorry. Partying? If partying means drinking heavily and then only talking to your closest friends, then yes.

Woo, I’m type AB, “the cerebral architect.” Apparently that means I’m claustrophobic but also mingle well with most other types. Heh, I do love strangers. Just FYI, the other “types” are O, which is hearty and satisfying; A, which is light and delicate; B, which is aggressive and energizing. 

There’s also store, where you used to be able to buy things like a Tru Blood onesie or “ladies boy briefs.” Unfortunately, they are sold out.

Best part: the disclaimer at the bottom: “Synthetic blood products contain varied cellular content than actual blood. Please consult a Tru Blood Cellular Specialist for specific nutritional information.”

That sentence doesn’t even make sense. And I’d really like to contact a Tru Blood Cellular Specialist, but they don’t give me a number. 

And yes, just maybe, this is all a huge marketing ploy for the new HBO series True Blood, but if they ever do come out with a drink, you know I’ll be the first dutiful researcher to buy it.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | August 13, 2008 · 4:16 pm

bigfoot’s big news? or big lies?

Two dudes are getting ready to pull off the biggest prank ever, or make a mockery of all of us non-freaks (kidding!) who laugh at the supermarket tabloids. In the tabloids’ defense, they did bring the John Edwards (I hope Jesse Jackson goes after him, if you know what I mean) affair to the attention of the mainstream media. Anyway, so Matthew Whitton (AKA Gary Parker…that’s what the Web site says. What does that mean?! That’s almost as mysterious as Bigfoot) and Rick Dyer found Bigfoot! They’ve got pictures and everything. And if anyone was to find it, I’m glad it was these guys because they dedicated their lives to it. Yes, they are like the Ghostbusters. Except they are Searching For Bigfoot, Inc. Seriously. And they found Bigfoot in the woods in Northern Georgia. Really, Bigfoot? Nothing against Georgia, but there are better woods in this country. Like….NEW HAMPSHIRE.

But I’d like to give some credit to George Lucas for this discovery.  Perhaps he saw Bigfoot years ago, and instead of turning him in, used him as a muse for Chewbacca.  I don’t know, just a thought.  They do look really similar…

I’d totally blow these guys off and make fun of them mercilessly, but they are having a press conference on Friday to present their evidence. They’ve got a body, and, in true CSI or other generic TV crime drama form, they will present DNA evidence. Gasp! DNA!? AWESOME. Anyway, you can read more about it here, or go to Searching For Bigfoot, Inc. (super duper tackytastic Web site)

What do you think? I just feel like this summer is so crazy. First the astronaut says there are aliens, then we have the Montauk monster. Now I need to go pick up a few tabloids. You never know, maybe Elvis is next.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | August 12, 2008 · 8:12 pm

million-dollar madam pimped kids…in denver?!

Kathleen just sent me an article about a prostitution ring that offered the sexual services of up to 50 women and children. And this was in Denver.

Now, aside from the occasional murder, Denver seems to be a relatively safe place for its size. And even though there is a strip club called Shotgun Willies about three minutes from my house in an otherwise normal, residential area, Denver is not exactly the first city that comes to mind when you think of prostitution. Even Sonny Jackson, a Denver police spokesman, said: “We don’t have a lot of prostitution of this nature in Denver.” Then again, exactly what cities do come to mind when you think about child prostitution?

What surprises me most about this story is that Hong Tang, the alleged madam (pictured above), was running this prostitution service out of her “suburban Denver home.” I’d really like to think that if my neighbor was running some sort of massive prostitution ring, I would realize that it was going on and totally get her busted and be a hero. But who knows. Those neighbors must feel kind of silly. Or maybe they knew about it all along, and got discounts.

[Posted by Mallory]

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by | August 4, 2008 · 4:32 pm

quick takes on some “news” stories.

When I say news, I’m not taking about world news or current affairs. I’m talking about things I find interesting. You know, quirky news.

  • The world’s smallest snake was found in Barbados. Ewwwwwww. It is as wide as a strand of spaghetti and can be up to four inches long. As if I wasn’t afraid of snakes already, now I have to be afraid of snakes that I can’t even see. If I’m ever in Barbados. Oh, and here’s the best. The scientist who discovered it named it Leptotyphlops carlae, after his wife, Carla. Carla is a herpetologist. Hmmm. I’m pretty sure I graduated with a few herpetologists.
  • Jen Moss must be loving life right now. On Saturday, dozens, perhaps hundreds of bike riders rode the streets of St. Louis as naked as they dared. The World Naked Bike Ride (careful if you’re at work, there is nudity on the web site) protests the cost of oil. And let’s face it, it’s an excuse to ride around on your bicycle nakey. According to eyewitnesses, lots of boobs and thongs. Good times. Oh, and to make it even better, the 10 mile ride ended at a bar. GOOD PLANNING!
  • Lindsay Lohan’s leeeeetle seeeeester, Ali Lohan, “accidentally” auditioned for a horror movie directed by a well-known porn director, Peter Davy. HA! Her rep says Ali didn’t know about his past, which includes “Voodoo Lust” and “Dreams in the Forbidden Zone” (RAWR!), and if she did she would not have auditioned. Question: does Ali Lohan book her own auditions? I’m pretty sure her agents aren’t that dumb. And isn’t it strange that she has a reality show right now? My my, that sounds like such a good plot line!

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | August 4, 2008 · 2:36 pm

happy birthday future president barack obama!

Happy birthday Barack! Our presumptive Democratic nominee is 47 years old today. And he’s on the campaign trail, doing his thing. I bet I know what his birthday wish will be when he blows out the candles on his cake tonight.

A new grill for the backyard, duh.

But instead of taking today off, Obama is actually giving voters a present. At 11 a.m. today, he will unveil his new energy plan. So look for livestreaming online or flip on your teeevee. Hooray!

A lot of people are taking this opportunity to juxtapose B’s youth with John’s lack of youth. The WSJ has a semi-interactive graphic about the age gap. I’ll admit, I take a few cheap shots about McCain’s age. But the truth is, if my party’s nominee was that age and I felt he was the right person to do the job then it wouldn’t matter. Age has nothing to do with why I think Barack is ready to lead–it’s his positions on the issues. So take that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARACK! YOU’LL BE A GREAT PRESIDENT.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | August 1, 2008 · 4:28 pm

some random news stories you’ll like.

Being that this is my first post of the day, I was going to say good morning, but it’s lunch time now. So I hope you had a good morning and a yummy lunch.

  • You’ve probs heard about the Montauk Monster by now (not to be confused with the Montag Monster, which is obviously Heidi from “The Hills”). Honestly, this thing looks like Satan’s deformed lap dog and would totally beat out any Chinese Crested Hairless for the world’s ugliest dog competition. Perhaps it can be entered next year posthumously? Anyway, this creature is quite the beast. I’ve been like the freaking Nancy Drew of the internet stalking this thing. Here’s the best news source I can come up with: an interview with the three girls that found it. First aliens, now this? I’m never leaving my bed again. For reallllls.
  • Surprise, surprise! The jobless rate (“Jobless”, by the way is a nickname a friend of mine gave me. He’s a meanie.) is now up to 5.7% for the month of July–which is a four-year high. But wait…we couldn’t possibly be in any sort of recession, right? Remember what McCain’s buddy said? It’s all in our heads. Now, I don’t have the numbers on this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement. As the unemployment rate rises, so does the number of bloggers. Yeah, I’d put some money on that.
  • OMFG, the grown ups don’t like Gossip Girl. There’s sex, drugs and drinking in it. In high school! GASP. Without going to school for millions of years and having a Ph.D, let me clear this up for anyone that is confused. GG is to teenagers what soap operas is to 50 year old women who have time to watch the teevee all morning and afternoon. People live vicariously through this stuff, and you’re a dumb-dumb if you don’t recognize that. Trust me, not all high schoolers are having good sex. You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip girl.
  • Bon Jovi kind of saved Bill Clinton. Oh man, I don’t want to quote Bon Jovi songs and make bad jokes, so I’m going to spare myself the humiliation. Read the story if you care.
  • Watch out Segway, Toyota now has the Winglet. And it looks cooler. Oh man, if you’re in DC look out for the Segway tours. Those people look ridiculous. Hmm…I wonder if Bush can fall off of this too? Most likely. And, because it’s a Toyota, it probably gets better gas mileage. Question, is there enough space to put a tree-hugging, granola eating democratic bumper sticker on it? And does it have an iPod adapter built in?
  • First, people try and deprive the poor of the social services they so desperately need. Now, they’re trying to deprive the less fortunate of a cheeseburger from Mickey D’s. IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD?! Read this article and let me know what you think. No, that’s not fast food I smell, it’s racism. Or rather, as blog God Christian Lander (My hero! Sigh) put it so delicately, white people knowing what’s best for poor people.

Okay, that’s all I got…for now. Stay busy at work, fools! I will continue to blog.

[Posted by Kathleen]

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by | July 29, 2008 · 7:33 pm

a random roundup of recent news.

Hello, faithful readers! Let’s take a look at what’s going on in the world in brief, easy-to-digest tidbits. In no particular order…

  • Bono has been named the godfather of Brangelina’s new babies. Which is exciting, except that godparents don’t really do anything. [Rediff]
  • Wikipedia will soon be obsolete because Google just introduced their own, more legit online encyclopedia thinger: Google Knol. (I must say, they really dropped the ball on the name.) Now, when you want to avoid sifting though microfiches or — gasp! — books, you can get info about Joseph Stalin from an actual historian, instead of from that stoned kid in Oregon who got bored and decided to add facts like “He was a phenomenal dancer” to Stalin’s Wikipedia page. [ZDNet]
  • According to the folks over at book publisher Hachette, the cassette tape is officially dead. (They had a funeral for the tape. Seriously.) But how can it be dead when I still have a humongous radio in my room with not one but TWO cassette decks so that I can get all fancy and record from one to the other? HUH?! I will never give up my Ace of Base tapes. Never. [New York Times]
  • LifeStyles Condoms reportedly offered Miley Cyrus $1 million to be their rep. Poor Miley just can’t get a break. [AOL News]
  • Senator Ted Stevens was indicted today on “seven counts of failing to disclose thousands of dollars in services he received from a company that helped renovate his home.” Sometimes a guy just needs a wraparound deck and a new grill. [MSNBC]
  • Barack Obama and potential veep Governor Tim Kaine, of Virginia, are getting all hot and heavy, but in a secret way. [CNN]
  • Online game Scrabulous has been shut down “in the face of a lawsuit contending the game infringed on Hasbro’s copyrighted Scrabble game.” Uh oh. I never played Scrabulous, but I know a bunch of people who were obsessed and will be quite upset by this news. Back to Minesweeper, I guess. [The Mercury News]

[Posted by Mallory]

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